Community Rainbow Waves

Lesbian

I didn’t come out until 2015 at 25 years old. I definitely questioned my sexuality starting in high school, and at times throughout my late teens/early 20s, but due to the environment I had grown up in (a small closed-minded, country community) I always pushed it away or tried to think of an “excuse” as to why I was always drawn towards women. I was raised in a family that was Mormon on my mom’s side.. My parents divorced when I was very young, and living with my mom, I was essentially made to follow the Mormon faith as a young child/teen. I was very, what people called, “tomyboy-ish” as a kid. I hated wearing girl’s clothing and dresses. I enjoyed wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts throughout most of my school years. This caused me to never even have any “boyfriends” as I wasn’t “attractive” to them. I had friends who would try and “change” me, and dress me up and want to give me make overs, but nothing stuck. Things changed drastically for me when I discovered the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer in middle school. My style began to change to become more “feminine” as I wanted to dress more like the characters in the show. At this point, I had friends who wanted me to date guys and I was constantly asked if I had a crush on any boys at school. I never did, though at times would say so just to shut people up. As I got farther into Buffy and witnessed the relationship between Willow and Tara develop, it opened my eyes to the fact that there was more then boys and girls as couples. I didn’t have any education on gay relationships before this, and when I started asking questions was told that it was a “sin” and that god made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”. My freshman year, I actually had a crush on one of the girls in my grade, and tried to befriend her, as she was one of the nicer people in my class. I was crushed when I found out that she had started telling people that I was weird. (To be honest, I was in a new school, and I wore my long “Buffy” black leather jacket all the time, so maybe I was?) Regardless, it shut me down so hard and I was internally embarrassed with myself for even thinking I could like her like that. Aside from this, I had always been a movie buff growing up. However, I had always been drawn to the women in films. I never cared about the guys. I guess the easiest way to explain it was that when my friends and I would watch movies and shows whilst they were cheering for the girl to “kiss the guy”, I was always cheering more for “kiss the girl”. Looking back now, I had huge crushes on Nicole Kidman, Vivien Leigh, Renee Zellweger, etc. Back then though, I was scared to think of it in those terms so I always just told people I “admired” them (which I did too) when they asked why I was so obsessed. (I mean, I literally convinced my Mormon grandfather to get me a custom pastel drawing of Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge for Christmas one year, and he didn’t question ANYTHING about that?!). Anyway, watching Willow and Tara’s relationship on the show, made me continue to question whether I was gay myself. I would mention that they were my favorite characters and relationship on the show to family members at times, but no one ever asked me to elaborate or said anything. Eventually, I suppressed that part of me for several more years. I tried going on dates with a couple of boys in college, but never felt comfortable. I eventually resigned myself to be “forever alone” as I was scared to question my sexuality any more, but also didn’t want to date any boys. Fast forward to 2014- in the small county where I lived, all of my friends were now dating other people, moving in together, and getting engaged. I became severely depressed as I was tired of feeling so alone. One of the things I always turned to when I was depressed would be Buffy. I started re-watching the show in mid 2014, and as I, again, saw the relationship between Willow and Tara unfold, it became clear to me that I was gay. I still struggled to say it out loud. I was too afraid to do so. In my head I felt like the second I said it aloud I wouldn’t be able to hide it, and then my family would know, and my dad (who I was certain was homophobic) and my mom who didn’t agree with the lifestyle would disown me or my mom would kick me out. Finally in the fall of 2014, I said it out loud to myself in my room one night. I remember having just watched the episode “New Moon Rising” of Buffy where Willow chooses to pursue her feelings and relationship with Tara. It felt so good to say out loud to myself, but I didn’t feel safe telling anyone else, not even my best friend. I realized that I wasn’t in an environment where I felt comfortable doing so. Luckily, in the beginning of 2015, I had a friend reach out to me that I had made during my brief stint on the Disney College Program, and say that she needed another roommate in Florida. I had been looking to go back and work for the company, and also desperate to get out of Virginia and the environment I had been surrounded by. Right before I moved down, I had a phone call with my younger sister on the phone one night. I said the words, and came out to her. It was terrifying at the time, and I asked her to not say anything to anyone else. She was super supportive and chill about it, which I had kind of figured for her, but it was still scary. Moving back down to Florida right after was the best decision I could have ever made. I came out to my 2 roommates that were also some of my best friends, and as they shared more values like mine, they were also super supportive and nonchalant about it. I remember my roommate Josh saying in the car the day I told him, “Okay cool”, and that was it. And it was SO nice not having to give an explanation or answer question after question. After coming out to them, I didn’t feel like I was constantly hiding myself anymore, and since I was new to Florida again, I didn’t have to pretend. I could just be my normal self. Of course I didn’t go around yelling it out at people, but I didn’t hide or feel uncomfortable when people would ask about my sexuality. It was freeing. That fall I went back home and came out to all of my friends back in Virginia. Same as before with my sister and roommates, they were so supportive. The only people I had yet to tell were my parents. A year later in 2016 I took a trip back to Virginia again, this time with the plan to tell my parents and step-parents. During the trip my mom had made several comments throughout the week that made me feel like I couldn’t tell her. I chickened out and didn’t say anything. My time with my dad and stepmom was different, but I was not sure how to approach the subject. I ended up not having to, as the day I was supposed to fly back, my stepmom looked at me and flat out asked “are you gay?”. I took this as my chance, and just said “yep”. She asked a few more questions, told me she loved me, and suggested that I should tell my dad later on the way to the airport. I didn’t really get that chance, because I guess she told him first. As we sat in the car and I tried to find a way to bring it up, my dad said, “I hear you have something you want to tell me”. I was very confused and slightly annoyed, but said that I did, and asked what my stepmom had told him. He said that she had clued him in a bit, and that he loved me. I didn’t know what to say at that point. I guess I really didn’t get to come out to him, because he must’ve pieced it together from what he had been told. At that point, I let it go and didn’t worry about it. We’ve still never had a full conversation about me being gay, but I think that’s just the way my dad and I work. The following spring, my sister called me and said “can you please tell mom? she’s been asking me lots of questions and won’t let it go.” I figured over the phone was better than waiting until I saw her again, so I called her up the next day, and had a regular conversation with her. At the end though, I told her that I was going to answer a question that she had been prodding my sister about. I told her I was gay, and her first response was “when did you decide that?”. This prompted a very frustrating and emotionally fueled call that ended well for the most part. I don’t know how much my mom’s opinion has changed regarding LGBTQ+ rights, as I’m honestly afraid to ask her. These days she asks about my dating life and such, so it feels like she’s understanding and making an effort to understand and be a better ally. It is SO nice to be able to travel home, and not feel like I have to hide anything from any of them or pretend to be someone different, and to be able to crack jokes, and talk openly. I realize that I am very lucky when it comes to how my family reacted to my coming out, even though I expected the worst. I hope that one day, any and everyone who might still be hiding a part of themselves, feels that freedom and weight lifted. I also hope that one day we won’t have to “come out”, and that we can just love who we want without it being called into question.

Well I’m gay…

Hello first. I am an 18 year old girl who is gay. I come from a Jewish family from Berlin. My parents are Russians, so they’re not the most open people anyway. Actually, I knew pretty early that I wasn’t really into boys, but my whole environment was absolutely against lgbt +. In general, everything that was different. So I hid my feelings and was very unhappy. Until I started looking at wynonna Earp and saw how many people had feelings similar to mine. And then I finally came out. It was very liberating for me, but the reactions were really not great. I mean my parents yelled at me first and called me a disappointment. Some of my siblings had no problem with it, but some kept their distance from then on. When I told my best friend she didn’t really have a bad reaction (I thought). but suddenly she blocked me everywhere and never spoke to me again. But it was worth it. I found new friends who accept me for who I am and I never have to hide again. I thank you Dominique. I don’t think I would have had the courage to come out without you , the show and without this community.

“People fear what they don’t understand, what they fear, they judge as evil, what’s evil, they attempt to control and what they can’t control, they attack”

I realized I was not straight when I was 25. Up until then I was sure that I was straight but hadn’t found the right boy yet. Once I realized I wasn’t straight, my life changed.

I told my friend that I had a crush on that girl and it was driving me nuts. She said I was just overthinking it. Nothing made sense anymore.

Quick background – I come from a deeply religious family and the country that I live in just a few years ago legalized lgbt+ relationships. My friends teased anyone that was different. I just wanted to be normal.

I didn’t want to be different and stand out. I wanted it to go away cuz up until then I had only dated boys. Maybe I thought that if I focused on the boys, I didn’t have to think about girls. I never thought twice on kissing girls on a dare or when I was drunk because I thought it was ok and not weird.

Finally after a lot of reading I realized I was not alone or confused. Coming out stories helped me accept my truth. I said the words – I am bisexual and it’s ok. Accepting it for myself was the biggest challenge. I know I’d be teased and ridiculed and I knew life was only going to get difficult from here. My closest friends became more understanding and became the support system I didn’t know that I required.

Last year I got a tattoo that said “to each his own” in Latin and watercolor. I was always bisexual but didn’t come to terms with it till a human made me look closely at myself and accept me for who I truly was. Without her I might not have been here. I might have never accepted myself for who I was and may have never ever been so clear about any of this.

Christine

When it comes to coming out, there is no such thing as “too late.”

For me, the time came during my sophomore year of college (only two years ago, though it feels like a distant lifetime ago now). Up to that point, I’d scarcely given a thought to my sexuality, let alone my gender. Sure, I’d had friends who’d come out as bisexual and/or nonbinary, I’d had 3 a.m. conversations with these friends about gender and related topics, and I supported those friends and tried to learn about the LGBTQ+ community as best I could, but as far as I knew, I was a cisgender heterosexual guy, and that was that.

Except, of course, it wasn’t.

Coming out, for me, took breaking away from so many of society’s expectations and perceptions of transgender people especially.

In the early months of 2018, the questions started to gnaw away at me, lurking in the back of my mind, ever-present even as I was just trying my best to make it through the rest of the school year in one piece.

Slowly, the questions shifted from “is it possible that I might be a girl?” to “is it okay for me to be a girl?” to “how much do I stand to lose from living my life as a girl?”

As if that struggle weren’t enough, I had to contend with one extra train of thought that complicated matters that much more: “I’m probably a trans girl… but I still like girls.”

There are so many stigmas that society places on transgender people, and what society had taught me was that if you were a trans woman, you had to have figured it out when you were young, you had to be into men, and you had to be as stereotypically girly as possible.

And so I held back. I suppressed as much as I could and tried to go on with my everyday life… until, finally, I couldn’t. The end of sophomore year came, and with nothing else to preoccupy me, the questions drifted back to the front of my mind, and I had no choice but to face them head on.

So, as many of us tend to do in this day and age, I took to the internet looking for answers. Slowly, I started to learn that everything I knew was wrong, and those answers I found smashed through the mental barriers that had held me back.

YES, you can be a trans woman and a lesbian. YES, you don’t have to figure out these things so soon in life. YES, you don’t have to adhere to society’s expectations. YES, you are valid.

By the end of May, I’d come to terms with my transness, though the goals I set for myself changed rapidly. At first, I’d thought I would hold back on coming out and transitioning until later in life… before long, that changed to “within a few years,” which soon gave way to “I’ll come out after I graduate.”

Eventually, I realized time was of the essence, and the last thing I wanted was to look back into my past years down the line and see nothing but regret. Living my life as my true self was the only way forward.

And so I started to make plans. I was going to come out by the end of that summer, and nothing was going to stop me.

I planned my coming out meticulously, because I worried endlessly that my parents, my family, wouldn’t accept me for who I am, that they would try to hold on to their perception of me as their 19-year-old son. I needed to be prepared, and so I took drastic measures. I wrote letters, and I made plans to leave them at home one day and then drive away for a few days to give my family time to take it all in, because I was so scared they would take out their emotions on me.

I remember leaving the letters and a poem explaining all the feelings I’d dealt with over the past months one afternoon in early August, and I remember how long that 90-minute drive to the next state over to stay with a friend felt.

It. Was. Terrifying.

My family’s panicked reactions that first night only made me more scared. I remember the frantic yelling over the phone, I remember the shock my family felt, and above all, I remember the fear I felt, with very few things to take my mind off of it. There was a part of me that worried I would never be able to go home again.

But to my relief, things got better. Within a few days, my family came around. I was able to go back home to a family that resolved that no matter what, they would learn, love me and support me (even if there were things they didn’t quite understand — I still remember the confusion in my dad’s face as he realized I was now a girl who liked girls, which, yes, made me a lesbian), and in the year and a half since my coming out, that hasn’t changed.

I’ve had the chance to well and truly find myself, and I am unabashedly proud to be who I am today. I finally feel like the woman I’m meant to be, and I am so much happier for it.

The road to finding yourself can be a long one, and oftentimes, it can be fraught with struggles, both internal and external. But as I look back at who I used to be and think of how much things have changed for the better in my life since then, I firmly believe traveling down that path has been worth it, and I hope that so many more people will get the chance to take that journey in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead.

Queer

I guess all through primary school I was always boy-crazy I had crush after crush, then when I got to high-school I met my new bestie group of friends, in that group was a girl for privacy reasons let’s call her Kate, she was already out she had been a while and I guess I liked hanging out with her I thought I just really liked her as a bestie but we grew closer until I was in art class one day and my friend(not real name) Lauren was talking to me and I completely zoned out and she just looked at me and asked me “are you thinking about Kate” I was Co fuse because I was and she just knew by how I looked at her that I had feeling s for her anyway moving on from Kate we dated for a little while and now we are just friends but we are still really close friends and those feeling are gone. I really didn’t know what I was because I had never gone out with a boy properly just a girl when I was quite young so there was no way of knowing my sexual identity. I knew this boy (not real name) josh liked me and I guess he was nice so I decided to ask him out and we really didn’t click so I still didnt know. I then heard of this show wynonna earp and my gay best friend keira (not her real name) told me about it she said it is what helped her discover herself and that the two gay charecters in it really spoke to her so I watched it and by season 2 I was so into it and I defiantly had a huge crush on the actor who played nicole so I guess I had girls down on my checklist to sexuality. After a few months if figuring myself out I realised that the people I liked I didn’t see gender I just liked who I liked boys, girls, FTM, MTF, so a day or 2 ago I was searching things about what my sexuality could be and I came across this website and I read through dominique provost chalkleys story and it helped me identify myself and who I loved and I am very greatful for that so now I am out to my mum, brother and my friends it’s just my dad left to tell which I am terrified about but I think with the right words I can do it
Thank you all who helped me discover myself (“kate”,,”Lauren”, “keira”, kat barrel, dominique provost-chalkley.)

Queer

I was a freshman in high school when I realized that I liked both guys and girls. Most people always say that they always knew. But I didn’t. I found out that you can like the same sex when I was in middle school. The thought of me liking girls never really crossed my mind until the eighth grade. I had never been attracted to any girl at that point, but a little voice inside my head told me to explore that idea. So, I did my research. I took tests online, looking up ‘how do you know if you like girls’, and watched endless youtube videos on the subject. It wasn’t easy but I finally came to terms with my sexuality (thanks to Rose and Rosie for the help!). After I accepted this is who I am I told my best friend first, then my parents, then the rest of my friends. I still struggle with being proud, which is why only my parents know and not the rest of my family. But I’m thankful for such supportive parents and friends as well as the amazing representation on Wynonna Earp. It really helps normalize my feelings and makes me feel like I’m not alone, that there’s not anything wrong with me and that it’s ok to love who I love.

Because after all, love wins.

Bisexual

I always knew early on that I was different. I knew that I liked people and not gender. And that I Katie McGrath for more than her acting. But growing up I couldn’t always accept that, I grew up in a Christian society and though they weren’t anti-gay it still seemed scary. Then my brother came out as gay and I watched my mother struggle for years with her faith and love for him. And I didn’t want to be a burden, I was already extremely bullied for a lot of things and didn’t want to add one more to the list. It wasn’t until freshman year that I openly said the words “I’m bi” and that was only to my friends. It was nice to have a place where I could be me and open and happy, but then I would go home and where the “straight mask” again and that grew so tiresome. Then I moved away from that school to go live in the south which terrified me because of the rumors. My brother new that I was Bi and helped me be not so scared. But my next school wasn’t so bad. I found people like me who were out and pround and I even came out to a couple family members. I just became a senior in higb school and I haven’t told my mother yet, but I’m not scared to do it anymore. I just want my moment to be mind. And when it is I will be fearless!

When you feel like there’s no way out, love is the only way.

I believe it all started when I was 11. I was at the mall with my family looking for fornitures, and as a child would do, I decided to explore the store. As I was looking around, I saw a huge TV that was passing this super colorful music video of a bunch of girls in school, they were also cheerleaders and seemed so happy, they even had a choreography, they got me hooked.
I couldn’t take that video from my mind so the first thing I did when I got home was try to find that video again, and I did! I found out it was from a South Korean girlgroup called Girl’s Generation and ever since I never stopped looking for more, I started to search everything about all the girls and it was love at first sight. I found a fanpage that had a chat in which I got to know more fans, and I made friends there (I still talk to some of them now, and I’m 20!).
It was a matter of time for me to find out about more and more groups, boygroups, groups with girls, and one or two coed, and as you might guess, I was more interested in girlgroups. It was also a matter of time for me to find out about ships. The girls where shipped between themselves, and even between other groups. Some of them were ships with boys from other groups, but it was never my cup of tea.

It was just natural for me. I was little, the reality was different, but when I got home and turned my laptop on… I saw girls from the other side of the world holding hands, cuddling, just being affectionate with each other in general. They never kissed, they never had to. It was pure, innocent love (we’ll never know, but I have my doubts!)… Beyond everything they had a connection and it was so beautiful to witness; many times it was entertaining, skinship, because the kpop industry used to have this to “please the fans” but you often felt like it was more than entertaining, you know? And that was my case.
So I lived happily in my online world until I was 13, and that’s when I started question my sexuality. I liked boys (or I thought I did), but I also wanted to “be one of the korean the girls”, or at least have what they have. It took me a while to realize because of compulsory heterosexuality that I didn’t want to be like them, I mean, not only that, I wanted what they had, the relationships that could’ve been more than friendships.
Besides what was happening in my own little world, I didn’t had my first kiss (spoiler alert, it only happened last year). I had a “boyfriend” when I was 8, but I used to run away from him to hide in the bathroom, because he wanted to kiss me, and when I was 16 a classmate pecked me, I did not want it, it was a surprise and I was so, so embarrassed I didn’t know how to react so I just pretend it never happened. Despite my looks, one or two boys used to hit on me. Around that age I thought I was bi.

I am a very lonely person, I never really had friends until I finished high school, my life started improving in 2018. I got into an university and it took a while, but I made friends and that’s when I fully embraced my sexuality.

I’ve always behaved as a queer girl on social media, ever since I was 14, I wasn’t afraid because those who know me, like my family, ex-classmates and etc didn’t have access to my accounts so I could be 100% myself. During senior year I promised I was gonna study and wait to watch all shows I’ve heard of, so when I graduated I started watching tv shows with queer representation, such as Wynonna Earp, Orphan Black, The Fosters, The Bold Type, Jane the Virgin… And I had the same interest for them as I had for the girlgroups back in 2012… I felt alive again. I had something to hold onto. They gave me strength, they made me understand that I’m deserving of love, that a woman can love woman and don’t be ashamed for that… It was just incredible. And that’s when I found out about Start The Wave.

College and the internet were a safe place. No one knew me and I saw many people of the lgbtq+ community being unapologetic themselves, and it helped me to finally let it out. One day jumped the gun and came out to two classmates; it went so well that I lost my fear and two weeks later the entire class knew I was a lesbian. Ever since, I’ve been so happy about it all that in 2019 I finally started going out, I even had my first kiss. My friends always encourage me too, and the best news is that during pride month last year I came out to both my mom and my dad! It was insane, in a good way. I have a better relationship with both of them now, I can finally say things without worrying about them finding out my sexuality and disowning me… Little by little I’m getting comfortable with and allowing myself to wear what I want, to say what i need to say around others, to express my love for women out loud.

I’m not ready to shout it from the rooftops yet, but I know I’m loved just the way I am, and there’s nothing better than that.

Gay

I was never really attracted to anyone growing up, I never understood the whole thing. I just didn’t feel the ‘oh my God I like him so much’ thing that all my friends seemed to be experiencing. Until one day I saw a scene from the show ‘faking it’ where two girls kissed and I was immediately thinking, that looks right. I watched more episodes and I found myself drawn to the main couple and their trials and tribulations, I was never this invested in a relationship before. After I ran out of episodes I started looking online and turns out there was more than one show with a girl and girl relationship. I started to know the show by the scenes I saw on YouTube. I started realizing people in my life who I had always thought I just really wanted to be friends with them and realizing that that feeling was what a crush is. I had attractions to people for years I just never knew that those attractions being girls was an option so I suppressed those emotions and changed them subconsciously. My world changed around me. About a year later and I was up to date an all the wlw couples on TV and I decided to finally tell someone, my best friend. After school one day I sent her the link to a YouTube video of a coming out song. Her response ” hooray you’re gay!”. I was fully accepted by her and that was incredible. A feeling of freedom and openness. I started college and my new friends just kinda thought I wasn’t really into relationships and just let me off with that. Which would be great if that was the case. One day we all decided to make tinder accounts for each other for fun and when my flatmate gave me my phone back she had it set to see guys. She asked what I thought (meaning her choice of pictures) and I just said ‘ it’s great but I will change one thing’ and I switched it to see girls. None of them even reacted, my flatmate said okay fair enough and that was that. I still haven’t come out to any more friends from home, they seem like a bigger deal and it never seems to come up so it’s difficult. My parents are a different kettle of fish all together but we’ll get there soon enough.

To the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered

I was going to make up this fake encouraging story to help people in the closet see a story where the journey out isnt always painful and hard. But that’s not my truth. It’s time to stop being ashamed of my past and start being honest of my coming out. Or rather lack there of.

I was outed.

I was outed in a large scale, it could seem small to some but it felt like everything I knew was crashing down on me.

I’ve always been told I feel. I’m a feeler. I feel greatly and deeply. Everything goes in my ears and directly to my heart.

My parents always say they’re so proud I came out so young and not many can do such a thing, they deny their part in my “coming out”. I would do anything for love and affection to the point where I let them believe that’s how it went just for their praise. But this isn’t about them. It’s about me.

My story starts at 12 years old, in 7th grade at a new school. I had sunk so far into myself I’d pushed all my friends away because I thought this world didnt want me. I acted on those thoughts and tried to escape to no avail.

I spent a lot of time at home, watching shows and reading books because relating to the characters gave me a sense that I wasnt alone. Soon enough I’d stumbled upon a show that I’ll never forget, Wynonna Earp. Through that show I learned that girls could love other girls. I soon pondered if I’d felt those feelings aswell. Scared of my own thoughts I turned to my mother, “mom,” I’d said “I think I like girls. Romantically.”

She said I had time to figure it out.

The next thing I know I’m at my dads house he starts talking to me about what I told my mom, I cried myself to sleep that night, my trust so violated.

Soon all my siblings new, my dads new girlfriend too. I tried talking about it with a girl who I’d been best friends with the year before. Suddenly that popular girls at school knew everything. I was terrified in my deeply homophobic school.

That summer I went to a wedding away for a cousin of mine. We were having fun and talking at the rehearsal dinner out on the patio when my dad brought up the fact that I liked girls. Everyone looked at me as I immediately stood up and sprinted into the bushes, I didnt leave for hours sobbing even when it started pouring rain.

I’ve had more than just those experiences, and a few good ones after when I’d actually got to come out.

But even through all that pain, I came out stronger (no pun intended).

Now almost 3 years later I’m an out and proud lesbian, advocating for our community in the ways that I can. At 14 years old, I’ve planned and attended Queer Proms, Attend a Queer Youth Group, Had my own Billboard with a Queer relationship on it in Time Square, Planned a Queer Youth Trivia Night, started a Gender Sexuality Alliance, brought in a Queer Non Binary Public Speaker to educate my homophobic school how to have common decency, Helped all my friends come out, and so much more. I’m so proud of myself.

Ps. Dom I’m so proud of you!!