Community Rainbow Waves

Lesbian

I didn’t come out until 2015 at 25 years old. I definitely questioned my sexuality starting in high school, and at times throughout my late teens/early 20s, but due to the environment I had grown up in (a small closed-minded, country community) I always pushed it away or tried to think of an “excuse” as to why I was always drawn towards women. I was raised in a family that was Mormon on my mom’s side.. My parents divorced when I was very young, and living with my mom, I was essentially made to follow the Mormon faith as a young child/teen. I was very, what people called, “tomyboy-ish” as a kid. I hated wearing girl’s clothing and dresses. I enjoyed wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts throughout most of my school years. This caused me to never even have any “boyfriends” as I wasn’t “attractive” to them. I had friends who would try and “change” me, and dress me up and want to give me make overs, but nothing stuck. Things changed drastically for me when I discovered the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer in middle school. My style began to change to become more “feminine” as I wanted to dress more like the characters in the show. At this point, I had friends who wanted me to date guys and I was constantly asked if I had a crush on any boys at school. I never did, though at times would say so just to shut people up. As I got farther into Buffy and witnessed the relationship between Willow and Tara develop, it opened my eyes to the fact that there was more then boys and girls as couples. I didn’t have any education on gay relationships before this, and when I started asking questions was told that it was a “sin” and that god made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”. My freshman year, I actually had a crush on one of the girls in my grade, and tried to befriend her, as she was one of the nicer people in my class. I was crushed when I found out that she had started telling people that I was weird. (To be honest, I was in a new school, and I wore my long “Buffy” black leather jacket all the time, so maybe I was?) Regardless, it shut me down so hard and I was internally embarrassed with myself for even thinking I could like her like that. Aside from this, I had always been a movie buff growing up. However, I had always been drawn to the women in films. I never cared about the guys. I guess the easiest way to explain it was that when my friends and I would watch movies and shows whilst they were cheering for the girl to “kiss the guy”, I was always cheering more for “kiss the girl”. Looking back now, I had huge crushes on Nicole Kidman, Vivien Leigh, Renee Zellweger, etc. Back then though, I was scared to think of it in those terms so I always just told people I “admired” them (which I did too) when they asked why I was so obsessed. (I mean, I literally convinced my Mormon grandfather to get me a custom pastel drawing of Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge for Christmas one year, and he didn’t question ANYTHING about that?!). Anyway, watching Willow and Tara’s relationship on the show, made me continue to question whether I was gay myself. I would mention that they were my favorite characters and relationship on the show to family members at times, but no one ever asked me to elaborate or said anything. Eventually, I suppressed that part of me for several more years. I tried going on dates with a couple of boys in college, but never felt comfortable. I eventually resigned myself to be “forever alone” as I was scared to question my sexuality any more, but also didn’t want to date any boys. Fast forward to 2014- in the small county where I lived, all of my friends were now dating other people, moving in together, and getting engaged. I became severely depressed as I was tired of feeling so alone. One of the things I always turned to when I was depressed would be Buffy. I started re-watching the show in mid 2014, and as I, again, saw the relationship between Willow and Tara unfold, it became clear to me that I was gay. I still struggled to say it out loud. I was too afraid to do so. In my head I felt like the second I said it aloud I wouldn’t be able to hide it, and then my family would know, and my dad (who I was certain was homophobic) and my mom who didn’t agree with the lifestyle would disown me or my mom would kick me out. Finally in the fall of 2014, I said it out loud to myself in my room one night. I remember having just watched the episode “New Moon Rising” of Buffy where Willow chooses to pursue her feelings and relationship with Tara. It felt so good to say out loud to myself, but I didn’t feel safe telling anyone else, not even my best friend. I realized that I wasn’t in an environment where I felt comfortable doing so. Luckily, in the beginning of 2015, I had a friend reach out to me that I had made during my brief stint on the Disney College Program, and say that she needed another roommate in Florida. I had been looking to go back and work for the company, and also desperate to get out of Virginia and the environment I had been surrounded by. Right before I moved down, I had a phone call with my younger sister on the phone one night. I said the words, and came out to her. It was terrifying at the time, and I asked her to not say anything to anyone else. She was super supportive and chill about it, which I had kind of figured for her, but it was still scary. Moving back down to Florida right after was the best decision I could have ever made. I came out to my 2 roommates that were also some of my best friends, and as they shared more values like mine, they were also super supportive and nonchalant about it. I remember my roommate Josh saying in the car the day I told him, “Okay cool”, and that was it. And it was SO nice not having to give an explanation or answer question after question. After coming out to them, I didn’t feel like I was constantly hiding myself anymore, and since I was new to Florida again, I didn’t have to pretend. I could just be my normal self. Of course I didn’t go around yelling it out at people, but I didn’t hide or feel uncomfortable when people would ask about my sexuality. It was freeing. That fall I went back home and came out to all of my friends back in Virginia. Same as before with my sister and roommates, they were so supportive. The only people I had yet to tell were my parents. A year later in 2016 I took a trip back to Virginia again, this time with the plan to tell my parents and step-parents. During the trip my mom had made several comments throughout the week that made me feel like I couldn’t tell her. I chickened out and didn’t say anything. My time with my dad and stepmom was different, but I was not sure how to approach the subject. I ended up not having to, as the day I was supposed to fly back, my stepmom looked at me and flat out asked “are you gay?”. I took this as my chance, and just said “yep”. She asked a few more questions, told me she loved me, and suggested that I should tell my dad later on the way to the airport. I didn’t really get that chance, because I guess she told him first. As we sat in the car and I tried to find a way to bring it up, my dad said, “I hear you have something you want to tell me”. I was very confused and slightly annoyed, but said that I did, and asked what my stepmom had told him. He said that she had clued him in a bit, and that he loved me. I didn’t know what to say at that point. I guess I really didn’t get to come out to him, because he must’ve pieced it together from what he had been told. At that point, I let it go and didn’t worry about it. We’ve still never had a full conversation about me being gay, but I think that’s just the way my dad and I work. The following spring, my sister called me and said “can you please tell mom? she’s been asking me lots of questions and won’t let it go.” I figured over the phone was better than waiting until I saw her again, so I called her up the next day, and had a regular conversation with her. At the end though, I told her that I was going to answer a question that she had been prodding my sister about. I told her I was gay, and her first response was “when did you decide that?”. This prompted a very frustrating and emotionally fueled call that ended well for the most part. I don’t know how much my mom’s opinion has changed regarding LGBTQ+ rights, as I’m honestly afraid to ask her. These days she asks about my dating life and such, so it feels like she’s understanding and making an effort to understand and be a better ally. It is SO nice to be able to travel home, and not feel like I have to hide anything from any of them or pretend to be someone different, and to be able to crack jokes, and talk openly. I realize that I am very lucky when it comes to how my family reacted to my coming out, even though I expected the worst. I hope that one day, any and everyone who might still be hiding a part of themselves, feels that freedom and weight lifted. I also hope that one day we won’t have to “come out”, and that we can just love who we want without it being called into question.

Nicole (not Haught)

I am on my mid-30s, have been married to a man for 10 years, have 2 young kids and have just recently begun to come out. It’s in some ways a sad journey because it marks the end of my marriage to a truly amazing man who gave me the security and space to find myself, but it is not the end of my family. I feel an incredible sense of relief at finally being able to love and accept myself and live an honest life. My children will be better for having a happy mother, and they still have 2 loving parents who love them very much.
Announcing your divorce and your queerness all at once is quite a lot, but I have been so lucky to receive nothing but support from my friends and family.
I think part of what scared me for so long was being defined by my sexuality, but we are all so much more than that aren’t we? I am a mother, a friend, a damn successful businesswoman, a sister, a daughter…and I happen to also be a lesbian.

A human grey area

My coming out journey has been closely tied to my mental health and trust me it hasn’t been a linear journey. As a person with borderline personality disorder, I’ve never felt well aligned with anything whether that be my gender, sexuality, or even my own personal identity and it took me 28 years to figure out why.

Throughout my life I have always been uncomfortable with grey area’s they make me feel uncertain and I don’t understand them well; and I struggle with thinking in only black or white. This has caused me to come out numerous times throughout my life by avoiding those grey areas as much as possible. So, growing up in a small rural town where everyone knows everyone made this harder. Exploring my gender and sexuality was (and frankly still is) frowned upon and received a lot of pushback from my community, friends, and family.

First, I was bisexual, then a lesbian, and up until recently a trans man. All never seemed to fit quite how I’d hoped, and honestly, I was avoiding what I already knew.
It took me 28 long years, to finally accept that I’m a nonbinary queer person and that maybe just maybe being a human grey area isn’t such a bad thing.

While coming to terms with this has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, it feels right to acknowledge these parts of myself. I finally feel like I’m honoring who I am and who I love. I’m still working on finding the courage to be out and proud but I feel like this is the best step to take. So regardless of how scared I am, I want to be me, and this is me coming out.

Love who YOU are and be who YOU are meant to be.

This is going to be a long story. Sorry in advance. This is my story and this is who I am.

Growing up in a small (3 stoplight kind of small) town in Southern California wasn’t always the easiest. This was the kind of town where everyone knew someone, who knew you. Everyone ended up knowing your business whether you wanted them to know or not.

As a kid and preteen, I always knew I was different. While other girls were concentrated on boys and learning how to put on makeup, here I was more concerned about not having enough daylight to climb rocks, ride bikes, or play outside. The only thing I wanted from a boy was to have someone to play catch with. I was always shy around girls, which is probably why the majority of my friends were boys.

As the years passed, this blonde haired, blue eyed, knobby knees kid didn’t really change.

Come high school (1999-2003 in case anyone was curious), I was still the athletic girl who hung out with all the boys. At age 16 I had my first kiss. My first kiss was with my best friend (he and I are still friends to this day). Nothing ever really ever came from that kiss. It wasn’t long after senior year started did I find out my old neighbor had a crush on me. Apparently he had a crush on me since 6th grade. We had many classes together that year. We would even walk to class together. I always saw us as just friends. One day he asked me to one of the dances at school. I had always wanted to go to the dances at school, but never thought I would have someone to take me. I agreed to go with him as long as he understood we were going as friends. The big night came and went. All the fun was had that evening and after that, life went back to normal. I was still shy and quiet.

Fast forward six months. MYSPACE and Yahoo! Messenger came into my life.
My eyes were opened to a whole new world. It was life changing!

I met so many new people outside of my tiny country town. I never really asked myself why I never wanted to date anyone. The time came when I met this girl online, we’ll just call her Mary, from the other side of my state. We would chat EVERY SINGLE DAY. Some days were just in a chat room and other days on video chat. I had NEVER spent this much time talking to anyone before. I was completely head over heels and didn’t even realize it. One day, one of my sisters asked me why I was spending so much time talking to this girl. She straight up asked me if I was a lesbian. I was scared and didn’t quite know how to answer her at the time partly because I myself didn’t really know. I ended up telling her NO. Going back to Mary, neither one of us ever told the other how we obviously felt about one another. We both graduated and moved on with the next chapter in our lives.

Summer after high school, I had already started taking summer classes for college. I was over at a friends house and he was chatting with his buddy who lived out of state. This buddy had recently gone through a rough divorce and needed a friend to talk to. My friend introduced us and we started becoming friends. That’s all we were for a while. The more we talked the more we liked each other. Long story short, I moved up to AK. We got married, this unfortunately didn’t last very long. I realized it wasn’t fair to either one of us for me to stay and try to work things out if I couldn’t be 100% honest with myself. I still felt like something was missing. Looking back I realize that I was running away when I moved to AK. Running away because I was scared of how my family, my friends, and my community would react to me telling them I was queer. I told my family I was moving back to CA. I told them I was queer. My parents are very open minded and love all of us no matter what. But with that being said, it took some time for my mom to warm up to the idea.

Not quite ready to look everyone face to face, I moved back to CA but not to the part where I grew up. I moved in with a friend I had known for a while. We went out to the Gayborhood fairly often and I really learned who I was and who I’ve always been. This friend of mine and I ended up dating for almost 3 years. I owe her the world for helping me at that time. Due to many differences this relationship wasn’t meant to be. I finally moved back “home” to be close to family.

It took 5 years of me being gone to realize home was where I was meant to be. I was able to get close to my family again. You know what, it was the best decision I ever made. I absolutely love my family and I’m very lucky to have them. They welcomed me back with open arms. I was able to reconnect with old friends and make some new friends. One of those new friends became my wife about 7 years ago. We have been together for almost 12 years now. Although we are no longer living in CA, we have made a home and are now a family of .

No matter what life throws at you, you will rise back up and shine. come at the end of a storm.

For the curious minds out there, “Mary” and I are still great friends. We have been there for each other through all of the ups and downs life has thrown at us over the years.

Odaatlover

This story will include a lot of binary-ness in order to properly convey my thoughts and feelings, since that’s how I saw the world for most of my life.

It was sometime around 7th grade when I began to realize that I liked girls. Of course, there were signs way before then – always wanting to be the “man” when playing house, always using the pronouns “she/her” when making up love songs, constantly removing the clothes from my sister’s Barbie dolls…and this all happened when I was in the single digits. But around 12 years old was when I became curious about other girls in a way that – looking back now – was more than just friendly. I liked boys, they made good friends since I had more in common with them than with other girls, but something about girls was more alluring to me. I had a curiosity for them that was indescribable. Of course, now that I’m an adult, I know exactly how to describe it…GAY AF.

There was this one girl that I found really attractive…we’ll call her Anne, for the sake of anonymity. Anne was in my class in 7th grade, and I found myself looking at her (AKA, checking her out) quite often. In 8th grade, Anne was in the same P.E. class as me. When changing out in the locker rooms, I always chose the locker close to hers. At the time, I thought it was because I just liked that particular locker…NOPE. Turns out it was just because I liked that particular Anne. I would steal glances at her body, which I’m a little embarrassed to admit now because it seems very stalkerish, but if you’re not creepily stalking your crush at 13 years old, are you really even 13 years old? See, I had no idea it was possible to even be attracted to girls like that, because my parents did an excellent job of shielding me from the “gay lifestyle” (nice try, ‘rents). So, I didn’t think anything of it. I just assumed that I was obsessed with her because I wanted to be her, not because I was attracted to her or anything. So I proceeded to carry out the rest of my middle school career with the carefree mindset that I was just like everyone else my age. Ah, the serenity.

Then I went to high school…and 9th grade was a game changer for me. I found out that, plot twist, you actually can be gay! (insert well-known Home Alone Macaulay Culkin picture here)

I started to notice myself paying more attention to (eye humping) girls around me, and I began to question my sexuality. Do I like girls? Am I gay? I like boys too though, right? I mean, I must, because obviously in every single movie and TV show I’ve ever seen, girls like boys…I’m probably bisexual. Yep, that’s it. I’m bisexual. Mystery solved!

…that lasted all of three days after making the dreadful mistake of looking at porn sites with naked men on our home computer while my parents were out of the house. *shudders*

Nope. Definitely not bisexual. I only like girls. 100%.

But then, a thought occurred to me…”can I really say that if I’ve never had a boyfriend before? I don’t think I can…I need a boyfriend!”

A couple months later, after daily bartering and promises to a god that I didn’t believe in that I would do my chores every day in exchange for a boyfriend (as if god somehow cared that my room was kept clean and the dishwasher was emptied regularly), a miracle happened…the very awkward boy in my P.E. class that I had never spoken more than two words to passed me a note that said, verbatim, “I like you. Will you be my girlfriend?” And of course, I said ‘yes’. I was beyond excited…until the next day, when the initial excitement of the thought of having a boyfriend had worn off, and I realized that this guy was my boyfriend. Before, I was only thinking about the label ‘boyfriend’, not about what the job actually entailed. I took one look at him and had this sinking feeling in my stomach that something wasn’t right. I had a boyfriend…not a girlfriend, a boyfriend. I had to hold this guy’s bulky hand, and hang out with him outside of school, and converse with him while he looked at me like I was special, and kiss him. And none of that sounded appealing to me. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last very long. And honestly, I’m not even sure if I can call it a relationship since we never held hands, never kissed, and never spoke outside of that P.E. class. In fact, I barely even spoke to him *during* P.E. class. I avoided that boy like the plague, and the only thing that dictated that we were even together was the fact that I had changed my status on Myspace to “in a relationship”. I mean, I had a better connection with my dog – who was a female, ironically.

It wasn’t until I was 15 and nearing the end of 10th grade that I had finally told one of my friends that I liked girls. She was one of those friends that I was kind of close to, but not super close to. I specifically chose her because I knew she would be okay with it, but just in case she wasn’t, I wouldn’t be super heartbroken about losing her as a friend. I texted her (of course) that there was this girl that I liked – not Anne, someone completely different, because teens move fast – and she was super cool with it!

A couple of months later at band camp, I was eating lunch in the dining hall with the guys on the drum line with me, and an attractive girl from another camp walked by, and one of the guys said, “Whoa, that girl is hot!” The rest of the guys at the table verbally agreed, and I naturally nodded my head in silence. He noticed, and with a surprised look asked me, “You think she’s hot?” I paused, doing the whole internal dialogue of do I lie or do I use this moment to come out? I chose the latter, and nodded my head. With an even more surprised look, he asked, “Are you gay?” I nodded my head again. The guys at the table looked around at each other and basically said, “Oh, cool.” Some were surprised, some were not so surprised, but nobody said anything negative. By the end of band camp, pretty much the entire band knew, and I was out!

After that, I decided to change my newly created Facebook profile to say “interested in women”. I set it to where only my friends at school could see, since they already knew, and it felt really freeing.

…turns out it was set to public, and my mom saw it. This was a couple of months after band camp. It was a September day, and she was driving me home from a lesson I had with my percussion teacher. With a small laugh she asked, “Why does your Facebook profile say that you’re interested in women?” She obviously thought that it was a mistake – and a very amusing one at that – and I did the internal dialogue thing again. Am I ready? Do I take the opportunity and just run with it? There’s never going to be a good time, and everyone at school already knows. Might as well just get it over with now. With a very small voice, I said, “Because I am.” She stopped laughing, and the car got really quiet. The amused smile was wiped from her face, and was replaced by a look of something that resembled a mix of pain, disappointment, and confusion. I had never been more terrified in my entire life than I was in that moment.

You see, I come from a very religious, very conservative family. So, to say that she wasn’t okay with it was an understatement. (Author’s note: What the FUCK was I thinking??)

She was quiet the rest of the ten-minute drive home with a frown plastered on her face, obviously trying to figure out what to say to her ‘confused’ daughter, since she had been completely blindsided. And I just sat there looking ahead at the road, trembling with sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat, realizing that I had just made a terrible mistake. I wanted so badly to go back inside my comfortable little closet, but it was too late. The damage had been done.

When we got home, she forced me to tell my dad. My dad has the same personality as me – witty, unassertive, avoids confrontation, wouldn’t hurt a fly, nerdy. Growing up, my mom was the ‘scary’ parent. I wasn’t afraid of what my dad would say in response, because he’s a very calm man, unlike my mom. Not that she’s a man, but she’s not the chillest cube in the tray if you get what I mean.

But as soon as she said I had to tell him, I began to freak out, because it meant that I would have to come out again. Having to unexpectedly come out like that two times in a span of 15 minutes is a lot for a young 16-year-old. Not only that, but I had never actually said the words “I’m gay” or “I like girls” out loud to someone before. I told my friend through text, I nodded my head at band camp, and the only words I had said to my mom were “because I do.” In order to tell my dad, I was going to have to actually tell him that I was gay, which terrified me more than anything in my entire life. I wasn’t ready for that, and yet I was being forced into doing so.

I walked up to my parents’ bedroom where he was lying in bed reading a book, with my mom following closely behind me. She told him that I had something to tell him, and he got up and just looked at me with confusion. I stood there, frozen, unable to get the words out. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

“Go ahead, tell him what you told me.” My mom said as she waited impatiently with her arms folded sternly across her chest. I instantly broke down and started crying, and my dad just hugged me. I finally was able to choke out the words “I like girls” through my sobs, and my dad just audibly swallowed in response and proceeded to hug me tighter.

The rest of that day is a bit of a blur, considering that was over 11 years ago, but basically once I had calmed down, my parents told me it wasn’t right. That I was confused, that marriage is between a man and a woman, that two women can’t even have sex together because their “parts don’t fit” (lol…I wish I had drawn them a diagram), blah blah blah. After that, my mom would sit down with me every night and we’d do ‘bible study’ together. This was on top of the Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night church services I had already been forced to attend since I was born. I was never a religious person, and even as a little kid I hated going to church, so you can imagine how awful it was having to read a book I didn’t believe in every single night with my homophobic mother, basically hating myself. This lasted pretty much until I graduated and left for college, two years later.

I never officially came out to my older sister. My parents told her, and she and I never really talked about it because I was too afraid that she would treat me the same way as my mom, but she was respectful. Everyone at school was supportive though. Nobody in my life had a problem with it except for my parents, so I began to gravitate towards my friends and away from my family.

In 12th grade, I had this friend that I was getting really close to. I worked up the courage to tell her that I liked her, and it didn’t go as well as planned. She blocked me on Facebook and never spoke to me again. Whenever she saw me in the hallways at school, she would move to the opposite side and avoid eye contact. That was a bit difficult to get through, seeing as it was the first time I ever told a girl that I liked her. But a few months later I got my first girlfriend, so it was okay. I didn’t need that girl anyways. *holds up ’90s ‘talk to the hand’ gesture* Oh, and I was with my first girlfriend for almost a year and a half (with the first year being long distance), but we weren’t compatible. Honestly, we were both tops, and even more honestly, I would’ve said yes to any girl at that point. But she was cool, and we still talk from time to time. So it’s all good.

When I got to college, I wasn’t shy about my sexual orientation. I got my degree in music education, and the majority of the guys at the music school were gay, so I knew it was a safe space. Nobody had a problem with it, and I was actually pretty popular and had a lot of friends. There were a lot of gay guys, but I was pretty much the only gay female, which made me pretty well-known. So, college life was great! Whenever I would have to go home for breaks, I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to go back to that house. I didn’t want to go back to my parents. I wanted to stay in my safe little world with my supportive friends where I could make my own decisions, be who I truly was without feeling ashamed or embarrassed, and wasn’t forced to go to church. My college was only two hours away from ‘home’, but thankfully it was just far enough that I didn’t have to go back often.

Skip to 2020 (two bad relationships later), and both of my parents are still unsupportive. But at least they don’t say anything when I bring my wife to family get-togethers. They’re polite. My sister LOVES my wife, and we often hang out with my sister and her husband. Even though religion is very important to her, she’s way more open-minded than my parents, and is accepting of my sexuality and recognizes my marriage as one that’s equal to hers. After I came out to my parents, I kind of lost that relationship I had with them. I’m not super close with them, since they never truly made me feel loved and accepted. They supported me in every other aspect of my life, but couldn’t fully embrace who I was, since they don’t believe that my sexuality is real but rather just a sin and a man-made thought put into my head by modern society.

I currently only live 30 minutes away from my parents, but only visit them for special occasions. I don’t have the best relationship with my parents, but honestly, at this age I am 100% okay with that. I don&##8217;t rely on them for anything anymore, and I have an amazing wife, wonderful friends who I consider my family, and a supportive sister. I don’t need my parents to accept me in order to feel validated about who I am, and that’s okay.

So, if you’re a young person who is currently in the closet or who has come out and is having an awful experience with it, just know that it truly does get better. I know everyone says that, and it’s probably difficult to believe at this point in your life, but it really is true. I promise.

And if you’re a parent whose kid is struggling with their own gender or sexuality, then my advice to you is to be supportive. Tell them that you love them. And tell them that you support them, even if you don’t. The last thing you want to do is make them feel like who they are is invalid or wrong, because you will lose them. Even if you’re there for them through everything else, if you can’t get on board with something that is an integral part of their very being, then you will lose them.

Thank you for reading my story, and I hope this helps someone out there

Noah, just a boy in a world who doesn’t see him as such

My whole life I’ve known I wasn’t like all the other girls I was friends with, everyday I felt as though there was something in the back of my mind telling me something was off. From a young age, I had always been more of a masculine person, and while yes, any gender can be masculine, I don’t think most little girls wanted to be a boy, be seen as a boy, as badly as I did. But the fact was that I had not been armed with the words that I could’ve used to express myself just yet, living in a religious and very conservative home does that sometimes.

So, when I was about 11 or 12, I met a friend of mine who identified as a lesbian, a word I wasn’t familar with and part of a world I had yet to discover. With her by my side, we figured that world out together, and from that point on, I identified as a lesbian, or as gay rather, because I hated that word for what I now realize was me hating the femininity that goes along with it, while gay was more gender neutral. But back then, I simply didn’t use that word for reasons I didn’t know.

Fast forward to my freshman year of high school, the year I was the most depressed and anxious I had ever been. I was so numb and tired all the time that I was even distancing myself from friends who had been supporting me my whole life. But then I figured out why. It was because I was unhappy with how I look, how I sound, how tall I am, all of that and it was eating away at me.

Before I knew it, I was watching a YouTuber named MilesMcKenna, a trans FtM youtuber who shared stories of his experiences as a trans man and his transition and… I had never felt more at home. I thought about what it would be like to transition into a guy both medically and socially and I smiled a real smile for the first time in a while. And that’s when I knew I wasn’t a girl, I was and have always been a boy who didn’t have the language to put to how I felt, but now I do.

I am Noah. I am trans FtM and I’m proud of who I am, even if only a handful of people in my life know right now. What matters is that I know, what matters is I’m truly, finally, happy.

Gay/lesbian

The signs probably started showing when I was 10, but I didn’t have the courage or freedom to admit this to myself until 16. Becoming self-aware was a whole other milestone that caused stress, anxiety and depression because I didn’t know how to deal with it alone.

When I couldn’t take it anymore, the first person I came out to was my brother, and I did it by email when he was in the room next to mine. I remember shaking and crying when I hit send. I told him not to reply because I didn’t want to know if he hated me for who I was, but he stepped into my room to hug me as I broke down. This gave me the courage to tell my friends, who already knew and were just there waiting for me to be ready. I felt blessed and so lucky that the people around me accepted me and still loved me the same way.

So I eventually told my mum, and she cried – not out of happiness, but disappointment. She told me she was disappointed and I can still remember the physically pain that hit my chest till this day. I don’t think I could ever forget the way it made me feel when the most important person in my life didn’t want to understand me. Even now, it’s something we brush underneath the rug and it still destroys me. My own father (who I don’t have a good relationship with) is still stuck in his own traditional ways of thinking. He’s pointed to a TV screen with LGBTQIA+ people and told me that ‘these people are disgusting and don’t deserve to get married’, so I’ve decided he doesn’t deserve to know me.

For as good as the world is, it’s still hard to comprehend that those who don’t accept us are not actually bad people.

I’m a Bisexual Woman

When I first came across Wayhaught. I did what the rest of us did and fell in love with their relationship. But I was kicking myself because I didn’t want to get in the headspace of feeling like I was lonely or sad because I wasn’t out yet. BUT I slowly realized it did the opposite. Shame started lifting off my shoulders as I watched this realistic depiction of two women in love. Who argued and kissed and cared deeply about one another. You don’t see that on tv often and you definitely don’t see it in good ole Missouri. Wayhaught, in a way, launched me to where I am today. I slowly have started to come out to my friends in the past couple weeks (found Wayhaught a year ago) and OH BABY that’s a big deal for me. It was only 4 years ago that I broke from my Christian bubble upbringing and said “fuck” with full confidence. Liberating. Lol. I feel more authentic than I ever have been in my life and I’m 22 years old. 22 YEARS OLD. I always thought I’d have it together by now. But Brene Brown quotes and all, I know it isn’t possible to always be authentic and have it all figured out. Heck, I still don’t know how to talk to pretty girls, how to do my taxes or how to do a cartwheel (idk why man it just never clicked) BUT I’m going to try. The being authentic part, not the cartwheel cause that shit is hard. You are valid, you are seen, and you are worthy of feeling your truest self friends.

I identify myself as female

I think around the age of 8 or 9 when the girls of my classroom started liking the boys and talk about them I had the thought that the boys were so childish and stupid and still girls liked them. After that when I knew that existed gay and queer people I already accepted them even though I never had think about it. Some years later I was talking to my best friend and I said that I really liked girls and apparently some guys but I didn’t know exactly what I was and she accepted me and open up about herself too. I still don’t have a defined sexuality and that’s ok since I know what I like.

Bruna