Community Rainbow Waves

Loops in my head

I would say I am quite a private person. I don’t cry in front of people and don’t share everything with my friends. I think that’s why I’m finding it hard to accept that I might be gay. It’s even hard to write the word as I’ve never said it out loud to myself or written it down. It just sounds so weird and unfamiliar and not me. I think I worry a lot about being judged and I try to stop myself but I just can’t help but worry about what other people think of me. I’ve tried to be relaxed and wear whatever I want out the house and say what music I like but I don’t even like sharing my playlist with people as I feel like they will judge me. It sounds stupid but it’s just what I worry about.
The main thing that made me think that I might be gay is this girl I met when I was 13. I didn’t have feelings for her then but I was definitely nervous around her and I wanted her to like me. Maybe I wanted to be her, I’m not quite sure. When I was around 16 (I’m 17 now) I started to imagine kissing her. I wasn’t even considering that I might be gay they were just these thoughts inside my head I couldn’t get rid of. I started to imagine all of these different scenarios where we would be together and have a secret relationship. I still think about those scenarios now and they just play on loop constantly in my head. I’m supposed to be studying but I just sit there for several hours straight just thinking about her. She is so beautiful. I could never say anything to her. I would be too nervous, I don’t think I could ever say it to her. I haven’t actually seen her in a year. Can be so obsessed with someone you haven’t even seen in a year? I feel like in some of the scenarios I am making stuff up about her that I don’t even know. I’m not sure if I’m obsessed with her or just really want a girlfriend. I just don’t know and haven’t even accepted to myself that I am gay because it just seems to foreign and something I’ve only been considering for the past 4 months. I just like her so much. Sometimes I have said to myself ‘yes you’re gay’ but then later at dinner with my family I’m thinking ‘ could you actually confindebtoy day you’re gay? Are you really gay?’ And then I start questioning it all over again. It just such I hard thing to think about and accept. I feel like I have control over certain things in my life like school grades and how well I can play the piano and my 5k times. But I don’t have control over this. It’s not a clear cut thing, it is something I am thinking about constantly but not actually getting anywhere. I kind of know deep down that I am gay but I just can’t accept it in my head.
I know my family and friends would be accepting if I came out but I’m not too worried about coming out at the moment. I’m just thinking about if I’m actually gay and just thinking how stuff would change. No one in my life has any idea that I might be gay. It would be a shock to people if I said I was gay. A friend I love known since I was 3 came out last year. I heard through one of my friends that she had a girlfriend. I was really surprised and didn’t see it coming at all. I didn’t talk to her that much but we are still really good friends. I went for walk with her today and I just thought I could ask her how she came out and how she knew she was gay but I’m just too nervous to ask. I know she would be fine with me asking but then she might suspect I’m gay and I don’t even know myself. I think she would be the first person I might tell if I come out. Or maybe just talk to. Although I don’t think I could do that. I feel like I would have to have completely decided in my head before telling anyone. I feel like I don’t want to appear vulnerable and talk about my feelings to anyone. I just want to think about it without anyone knowing.
I have read a few coming out stories where they have said they felt gay feelings at like 8/9 and I feel like I never related to that. But when I started to think about it more, I did in year 8 have this sudden flash of feelings for this girl in my year. I remember almost laughing at myself like you don’t really have feelings for a girl and blamed it on the book I was reading that had a gay couple in it so it was on my mind. But thinking back to that, I did actually have gay feelings at about 12 but I just buried it straight away. Now I have been thinking about it more, even when watching tv, I do find that I am more attracted to the girls in the relationship. I just think to myself ‘I would rather go out with the girl rather than the guy’. in those moments I feel like surely I’m gay. It just feels so foreign and not me. But I think it’s because I just haven’t properly considered it and at the moment I just can’t see myself announcing to the world that I’m gay. But I know I have all these feelings and I still can’t stop thinking about this girl. It’s not like I try and stop myself thinking about it or tell myself it’s wrong. It’s just that it makes me debate in my head ‘am I really gay?’ ‘Do I really have feelings for this girl or is it something you’re just making up in your head?’ I do want to accept it but I just don’t even have the confidence to say it to myself and I don’t even know why. I think it’s because I always thought of myself as ‘normal’ as I do well in school, like sport, play piano and I feel like my parents see me as normal and straight forward and just a standard girl, not to sound too boring but just as a normal person. And I just feel admitting this to myself or anyone else would make me not normal. I think that just scares me. No one suspects this at all so I feel like I can hide it but I don’t want to shove all my feelings down forever as it’ll just stress me out. Anyway, this is the first time I have written any of this down. My heart still jumps whenever I write the word gay but slightly less than the start of this so maybe you could call that progress 🙂

Barbara

I think I’ve always known that I am a lesbian. When I was 14 years old I already had my first girlfriend. I enthusiastically told this to my parents, who unfortunately looked at it with slightly different eyes than I did. My mother grew up in a very religious family, so my sexuality didn’t fit the picture. This caused a lot of insecurity for me, and I was bullied at school and this resulted in a period of anxiety attacks. Fortunately my parents now support me in everything. I have learned to accept myself for who I am and I AM surrounded by people who also accept me for who I am. Only when you love yourself and can be yourself can you love someone else and I have been happy with my beautiful girlfriend for 6 years now. So don’t be scared if you love another humanbeing. Just be and love yourself. You have so much to give.

Happily working on it…

My best friend at primary school was my first love. I remember a lot from that time although frustratingly not first meeting her. But I remember her vividly. Tall (obviously relatively) with long dark hair and a lick right in the centre of her forehead. Her name was Cassie and when one day she wasn’t well enough for us to hang out, it was the first time I recall my heart hurt. I sat on my swing and I cried.

But even at primary school at the same time I was clearly in love with Cassie I had a boyfriend with whom I shared my first kiss, and more boys and more kisses followed. I liked boys a lot – I still do, they are often the people with whom I feel most comfortable and share the most in common. But it’s easy to confuse these two feelings when you are 5! And once they are set you barely question them; society gives you no call or space to.

I didn’t know there was any other option to the fairytale ending of when boy meets girl, that was and mostly remains, ever present in our society. Until I watched Ellen coming out when I was 15. Channel 4 made it a big Friday night special – they celebrated. In 1997. At peak Friday night TV mania! I’ve never had an opportunity to say thank you to whoever made that happen (btw a generation of queers salute you) – but thanks to them I started to think about myself and who I was. And although I knew in my little world it would be hard – I had this possibility that in the big world I would join there were ways I could be me and maybe even celebrated.

I came out at university. I was 20 years old. I was practically the only gay in the village. It was 2003…

I have continued and evolved to at least try to be authentically me. What that means changes. The recent explosion (or at least it seems to me) of gender fluidity is another expansion of who you can be. And another moment for me to reflect. Who knows what that means for me yet because now I’m older there are more layers to peel back.

But the culmination of it all is where I am now. And I have a job I love, amazing supportive friends, a wonderful family – one I was born into, and one I made. The later of which includes my two beautiful little boys, who warm my world.

I’m an unconventional traditionalist. Or at least I am for now.

Love Conquers ALL

I was quite young when I started to realise that I didn’t love in the same way as my friends or most of the people around me. Growing up I had never really felt like I fit in – there always felt like there was something, perhaps a part of me, that was missing or undiscovered.

When I was around 13 years old, thanks to social media and other resources that exposed me to a whole community of kind, loving and accepting people, I started to view myself and the feelings I felt differently. At first, I was absolutely petrified of who I was; one of the memories I remember most was lying in my bed crying and whispering to myself over and over again ‘I’m not gay, I don’t like girls.’

Thankfully, I came to the realisation that it was okay to like girls and to be gay. In June 2016, I came out to my friends on Twitter as bisexual. I stuck with this label for almost two years because it felt ‘okay’. I still felt like it wasn’t correct but it sure as hell felt a lot better than trying to convince myself that I was straight.

The first time I came out to somebody in my ‘real life’ was in April 2018. She was one of my best friends and we were out at a park doing a photo shoot for one of my photography projects. We ended up staying on the park swings for about 3 hours, just talking about sexuality and my experience and such. This was the first time that I had said that I didn’t actually know what I wanted to label myself as, I just knew that I liked girls (and that I liked them a lot more than boys).

In June 2018, exactly 2 years after I first came out on Twitter as bi, I came out again, but this time as a lesbian. It was one of the most freeing feelings I have ever felt because, FINALLY, I could identify as something that made me feel authentic and true to myself. It took me a while to feel fully comfortable with the label because of the bad rap the label is given as it is fetishised by the porn industry. But today I can easily, and happily, announce that I am a lesbian and that I am proud of that.

Throughout the 2 years since coming out to my friend in 2018, I have come out to so many more people. Old friends from secondary school (actually, most of my whole year group from secondary school through a post to my Instagram Story) and new friends from sixth form.

But the most recent person that I came out to is the one that makes me proudest. In February of this year (2020), I came out to my older sister. I couldn’t say the words out loud so I just sent her a link to a YouTube video of a ‘coming out’ song that somebody had made for this particular situation. I sobbed and she held me close when we hugged. She told me that she loved me and that she didn’t care who I loved. I can’t remember if she said so or not, but I know that she is proud of me.

The only other family member that knows is one of my cousins of the same age but I know that one day I will be able to fully be myself in front of all of my family and that this is only the beginning.

As part of the LGBTQ+ community, we are always coming out. Whether 2 days down the line or 10 years. Even so, the feeling of relief and joy that we experience when we tell somebody who accepts it without question is something that I will never forget or take for granted.

As I said at the start; I don’t love in the same way as my friends or a lot of the people around me. But that’s okay because love is complex and it comes in so many different forms. And every single one of them is beautiful. Because love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love.

I finally feel like I fit in somewhere. I have finally found the missing jigsaw pieces that make me, ME.

I am a lesbian, I love girls.
But, most importantly, I am ME.

-Lily

#Loveislove #LoveConquersALL

I am Queer

I first knew that I was attracted to girls in the 8th grade. I came out as bisexual to my best friend and she very accepting and so were all my other friends. And I know that it is common for people confused with their sexualities to initially come out as bi but I did cause I wanted to put the word that I like girls out there into the world. But I knew that I was still confused. It was factual that I liked girls, a lot, but I was still unsure if I was attracted to guys. So for a good year or so, I’m now a freshman in high school and the only people that know my sexuality are my closest friends, no family. But me being the extremely gay girl that I am I had a pride calendar which was really a Friends calendar that I painted rainbow. Anyway, my mom came in and saw it and talked to me. It was actually pretty funny cause I was simply trying to eat my cheesy Gordita crunch from Taco Bell. I knew I had nothing to be worried about because my mom is very woke. Her exact words were “Ive always wanted a gay daughter,” and we just started laughing. I was very nervous cause I wasn’t ready to come out so I said I was pansexual. And until a few weeks ago she thought I was until she tried to put me on birth control which requires a pap smear and once I learned what that was I came out again and told her that I was mainly attracted to girls and that she will not be seeing me with a guy. She’s the only person in my family that knows I’m gay. I planned on telling my grandma but sadly she passed away in October, which sent my anxiety and depression on high alert. But now at this very moment I am the happiest I’ve ever been and now I have a beautiful girlfriend. Only my friends know that we’re dating but, baby steps. And one day I will have the courage to tell my entire family, whether they accept me or not, that’s they’re decision and whatever happens happens.

Mica

Hola. Me llamo Micaela, soy de Argentina. Quisiera contar que soy bisexual y lo sé desde los 8 años. Pero recién a mis 25 pude contárselo por primera vez a una amiga y luego a mi hermana mayor. Fue gracias a que conocí a una compañera de trabajo suya y me gustó. Se lo conté llorando porque también le dije que durante toda mi infancia y adolescencia estuve enamorada de una compañera de colegio. Mis dos hermanas lo saben (soy la del medio), mi mamá, una tía y unas amigas. Pero no mi papá, porque no sé como podría reaccionar. Empecé la psicóloga hace un año porque supe que no iba a poder desentenderme mucho más tiempo de la situación. Sufrí mucho internanamente, lloraba todas ñas noches casi y no podía contárselo a nadie. No hay peor soledad que el mirarse al espejo y no reconocerse. Y esto me pasó por muchos años. Aún no me suelto del todo, pero cada día es un paso más a descubrirlo. Gracias por el espacio.

A butterfly who loves flowers

When I was 5 yrs old I had a huge crush on my female teacher. I knew it was different because I felt butterflies in my stomach. It was way different from my admiration to boys. After that I had another crush on a 6th grader when I was in my 3rd grade. She didn’t like the attention and the fact that I had a deep admiration to her so she ended our friendship. I was so heartbroken and confused. What did I do wrong? Why can’t I just like her? Then on my 5th grade I had a 6th grader gf whom I invited to go to my house. My mom was open about it and made a joke of how weird and abnormal I am. I think my family knew I am into girls since I am more boyish than girlish. I love playing ball games, wearing shorts and big shirts. They even call me “Cathy Boy” for standing up to boys (who bullied me and some girls) and for just being me. I haven’t had any struggle coming out with my family probably because I have a colorful family (gay aunt, sister, and cousins).

Though I am fortunate of having a family like them, I had difficulty coming out to the entire world. Coming from a Catholic and patriarcal country like the Philippines, it is still a big deal if you’re part of LGBTQIA++ community. I could remember back in my college days that some of my friends lectured me from acting on being gay. They told me that it is a sin to engage into sexual lesbian acts but being one is not. Some told me it is just a phase in my life. So back then I had few experiments. I tried dating and kissing men for a week or two but it didn’t work out. I knew there was something wrong. Something lacking. SPARK! It is different when I kiss a woman. There is magic. There are butterflies in my stomach. There is fire. There is passion. There is care. There is love. There is happiness.

It’s been more than a decade since I decided to just be me regardless of what people say. All I know now is that I am proud of being me and for being in the LGBTQIA++ COMMUNITY.

The Invisible Girl

I think I am actually invisible sometimes.
I think most people think that every now and then.
I was little the first time I felt invisible sitting on a brick wall outside of my church, all the other kids had run to play but I was too tired to play. The adults didn’t even seem to notice I hadn’t made it to the playground.
The thing is I knew then I wasn’t invisible but I still thought it, I still think it.
I do not like putting myself out there.
I slouch when the teacher asks the class a question.
I panic when I don’t understand things.
I panicked when I finally came out to my best friend. I actually don’t even remember what I said to her and I am quite certain that she responded within a minute but that minute felt like forever. In that minute I thought of all the ways my best friend could say she didn’t support me and all the painful ways I would slowly disappear to the person that had stuck by my side since birth.
The truth is even if my friend had said she didn’t support me I would still be me, I would still be gay and I definitely would still be visible.
So here I am.
I haven’t disappeared
And no matter what people say I will never disappear because I have every right to be happy, to find love, to be me.

Fiona

My journey began when I was 16. I found myself being completely infatuated with a girl at school. I had huge butterflies in my stomach every time I saw her. I found myself checking women and freaking out that I was doing this. When I was 17, things were changing again because I was starting to have fantasies involving women. Again, I was panicking because I didn’t want to be gay. At 18, I accepted myself as a lesbian but I was still scared of coming out to my friends and family.

Moving on to being now 22 years old, I went to London for a working holiday and to meet a woman (a fellow South African) who I had been chatting with online for a long time.

While I was there, I spent a lot of time with my now ex-girlfriend and we went to a club together called Heaven. I saw people being who they are, not being scared. That was the moment that I felt I have to come out to my family.

I felt that I had to tell my mom that I am lesbian and did so via email while I was in London.
I spoke to my Mom again when I got back from London. She was OK about as long as I was happy but also curious to know if I wanted to get married and have children.

(This was when same sex marriage was not legal yet in South Africa)

My sister was surprised and I never told my Dad as he was homophobic.

It’s great to be open and free to be who I am.

Simply me, Giulia

So, here I am. It took a while to write because english is not my mother language, i’m italian. My name is Giulia and I came out many years ago when was not so easy. I mean, is not easy at all, but in a small city of a Catholic country, believe me, it’s hard, most of all if your father is a public officer known in the city.
At that time I was living my dream with the only girl, till now, I really loved with all my heart and my senses. I was young, 24, thinking that I was living was really special; I never thought that something was wrong till the first and dramatic fight I had with my relatives.
That reaction scared me a lot because my thought was : if my father and my mother react in this way, what can I expect from strangers ? So I totally close in my self. I was still sure that what was going on was not wrong, but I was not able to talk with anyone and when the story ended I was totally alone. I could not show my pain because I did not know how to justify it.
I spend many years alone but during these years I started to open my self with friend. At the beginning was a total state of anxiety talking about being gay, but as soon as I talked with my dear friends, I noticed that for them it was normal, no problems at all. I was shocked about that!
Many years later I took again the argument with my relatives, they love me, they always have, but they were unprepared at that time, they were scared for me and was hard for them to manage it.
I told my father only one thing, when he apologized (btw he didn’t need to do it) : I was happy and you didn’t notice that.
Ya, that’s the point, being happy , being happy of what you are and who you love. I truly think that if we all together show our happiness, our consciousness, our strenght, that day in which you do not need to say Yep, I’m gay, is near. I’m a human being, a precious one, like all of us, I’m a lover and I don’t need to be identify in a scheme.
That’s me, Giulia, from Italy!