Community Rainbow Waves

“getting hit on by both genders is such a champagne problem”

I know I was different say special, was when I was 10 yrs old. I was brought up by my parents as Catholic and we usually go to church every Sunday. There was this one nervous moment of my life that I would never forget, where we usually hold hands to whoever is next to us when we sing this song in church and there this one girl who’s next to me. I don’t know how I exactly felt that moment but I was really nervous to hold her hand. My father was telling me to just grabbed her hand but I didn’t until the song was over. He asked me why did I do that and I just smile at him and said I don’t know. What I really felt that moment was this weird feeling. It’s like what I see on TV when the two leading characters feel in love with each other. I know the girl bc i went to the same school with her in elementary. She was few years older than me, I always admire her for her beauty and kindness towards other people at school. I couldn’t ask anyone what this feeling is called, I was to afraid to even asked my parents so I kept it all inside. Growing up I thought I would just forgot all about it. Then I went to highschool where I saw a lot of pretty girls and maybe some cute boys too. It makes me more confused about my sexual identify. Around 2009 when I saw Glee and i really find the show really amusing with all the singing and dancing but also bc the characters of the show where in highschool. I was hooked by Santana’s character and I can really see myself on her. The scene with her Abuela where she came out to her also terrified me. What if my parents don’t accept me too? I also live in a country where there’s a lot of discrimination towards lgbt community. Sad to say at the age of 25 I’m still in fear of showing my true self to my family and to the world, I really doesn’t have the courage to do it. Maybe when I turn 50 or something, maybe when my parents are old and gray they won’t mind. I’m hoping one day I can do it bc actually it’s giving me a lot of anxiety. Right now I’m spending my free time watching shows with queer characters to give me hope that someday I can be those characters too. P.s I watch ur show Wynonna Earp and Waverly is my fave. Not out yet, but will get there hehe. Love to all the queers out there. Xx. -J.A.

Bisexual?

This is the first time I have openly written about my sexuality so first of let’s take it back to the beginning.

I have always respected those in the lgbtq+ community, from a very young age i believed that love is love, and when you love you do it loud and proud. I was lucky for believing that statement that love is love. I grew up in a catholic household which isn’t typically an open minded religion from my experiences.

Now fast forward to my high-school years. I was also very lucky to be at a school that was diverse and open minded. We had a gay straight alliance club, I never went because I was scared but everyone loved it.

High-school is when I started watching a ton of shows that had wlw just because It felt powerful. And of course I began taking the quizzes every one takes at some point in their life. Along with me discovering who I love i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This took me awhile to come to terms with. Even though I struggle everyday I get back up even on the darkest days where I feel alone. watching those shows gave me peace along with validation.

The biggest influence for me discovering that I loved women was watching wlw couples on TV. The feeling I had when wlw couples appeared on the screen and got more than 5 seconds together was just… I was speechless and overwhelmed with love and support.
By far the most influential part of my journey has been watching wynonna earp.

As cheesy as it sounds watching wayhaught develop into this beautiful couple has just brought me hope. Watching them love so hard and support each other is so powerful. I hope one day to find that crazy love.

Now I wish I had this big “character arch” but im 20yrs old and this is me. I’ve spent the majority of my years supporting the community. And slowly began realizing how I would love to take her out for coffee over him. I’ve never felt connected to men, the way I look at women is completely different, I feel it and just know. Granted I have never been in a relationship with anyone.

The right one will show up when its the right time. As much as I’d love to do cheesy couple dates.

im scared that I won’t be accepted for who I love because I can’t find words to really describe how I feel and of course I feel like I have to explain myself to others.

I hope and pray that one day we can all live in peace.

I want to see a world where love isn’t frowned upon just because who i love and who you love may be different.

It’s okay to be different, that’s your superpower.

I hope whoever reads this is inspired or realizes that they are valid. I also hope reading this that you realize you don’t have to have all the answers now. Because Im still figuring myself out as well. tried writing this as accurately and open as I could, I still struggle to find words to how I feel, but its all a part of my journey. I find it hard to put a label on my sexuality like lesbian or bisexual so maybe I will figure that out soon too

Love Love

Love proudly

Love Loud

All my love and support for you beautiful people

♡
~K

Freakin Awesome

I’ve always knew I was not like other girls when I was little. Never really got into barbie dolls and all the girly things. I always liked what they boys liked. It wasn’t until high school that I realized that I liked girls and it really threw me off. At that time is when Prop 8 was getting introduced and people were fighting for their right to marry their partners. Something about seeing that and being devastated because that’s how I felt. One day I want to be married and have kids but people saw someone marrying someone of the same sex wrong, so I suppressed who I was. Then 2016 came along and I was really fighting my demons on who I was and who I loved. I looked myself in the mirror and finally came to terms that I love women and that I’m normal and like everyone else. I told my siblings and they support me 100%. I haven’t told my parents and probably never will but it is what it is. I don’t need that negativity from them. My name is Jenell and I’m proud to say that I’m a lesbian and I love women

#OutIsTheNewIn

I don’t put labels on myself.

Labels make me feel as if you’re putting me into a box to which is yours to stereotype or criticize. I like being free. Being me.

Eleven. That’s when I started to question my sexuality. I wasn’t attracted to boys yet but I found girls so intriguing. I was on a softball team with beautiful girls which made this even worse. I met a girl online that I so hopelessly fell for. I didn’t know that at the time. When I did tell her she ghosted me. Ouch. I decided that it wasn’t real feelings so I pushed it down. Twelve. I found my best friend most attractive than my boyfriend. I didn’t think anything of it. I never thought I was bi or gay. Well I did. I took those “Am I gay” quizzes and chose the obviously straight answers. I was lost. It was really hard to deal with this and hormones. I cried a lot, screamed, pushed the closest people away. I was scared of what they would think of me. A little bit later the girl I was more attracted to than my now ex boyfriend said she thinks she’s bi. I have never been more relived. She reveled that she liked me just as much as I liked her. And three years later and I still call her mine. It was a very long journey to get here. I used to not hold her hand afraid of the looks or whispers. I would cry at night because of that. but now i want to live my life. I want her to be happy and I want to be happy. I put others people’s opinions behind me. Not everyone is going to support it. Her mother. Her mother outed me to my family. I live with my grandmother because my mother died when I was born. My grandma didn’t comprehend when she outed me and still didn’t until the third time her mother decided to out me. My grandma asked me if I liked girls because my mother died. Not the reason why. I hate being different but I am. There is no one I was destined to be other than myself. I am me. I like girls. I know that for sure. I like anyone. That’s me. The messy, crazy, sad, and happy, me.

This is me

I love being happy

I’m going to be with who ever makes me happy

#OutIsTheNewIn

“I am enough”, Monica

I think I always knew but I denied the ever obvious signs or evidence or feelings that I had towards the same sex. By the time I did come out I had fooled the world all the while punishing and with-holding truth from myself. I came from a Republic and Catholic family and also when to Catholic School my entire life. Being told that what I was feeling was a sin and that I would most likely go to hell I quickly realized that I was worth nothing just because of those facts. As I grew I started to open my eyes to the outside world. To see the things I was always “forbidden” to see. To see beauty in something rather than the sin. I live in Seattle and when I was 21 I moved to So. Cal for a few years and it was then that I had my first kiss with a woman. It was like the darkness in me disappeared and the light that I always pushed down took its place. After a few years of So. Cal, I moved back home and had to face the truth and tell my family. I was 24 years old when I told my family and the hurt that was said, the worries, the pains, the agony, and torture came bubbling back up only to have be reinforced with a family member telling me “I wish you would’ve been a miscarriage.” Those words burned into absorbed my heart and mind for months.
I remember walking down the street one day and it hit me like a ton of bricks and for the first time in my life I asked myself “how can something like loving someone be wrong?” I then drove to my parents house and said “if you can’t accept me then you aren’t deserving enough to be apart of my life because I am a good person who desires the world to be its true authentic self in love.” Walked out didn’t speak to my family for a while after that.

I am lucky enough that my family did come around. I married my incredible wife when it first became legal in Washington State on December 8, 2012 and have never looked back. My family loves my wife as they do our two beautiful, strong, and determined daughters. I am so grateful for the road that has taken me to where I am though incredible painful, I am not sure I would be me if I hadn’t.

I so believe in this community because it is based on love. Something that should be seen, heard, and felt. I am so grateful and proud that I get to live my truth everyday. That I get to be the best of me because I now know that “I am enough.”

Lonely gay in the closest !

I think I’ve always known I preferred girls to boys from a very young age, but didn’t know I was gay until October of 2019 (I’m 16 btw) when I was around 10 I remember seeing a girl in my school who was a few years older than me and thinking “wow her boyfriend is lucky” that’s the earliest memory I have of that. Except for the obvious early signs of always wanting to be the boy when my friends and I played games, and obsessing over girl bands. When I was 12/13 I became infatuated with female celebrities, at the time I thought I just wanted to be them, but of course then I began to imagine myself being with them. But I just thought I felt that way because they were just ‘celebrity crushes’ that everyone had. I never really had any crushes on boys, but I’d pretend I did just to fit in. I’ve never kissed anyone because well I knew if I did it would have to be a boy since well no one knows I’m gay.

Now here’s the good part. I never realized that I was gay because like I said I only had crushes on celebrities…until October 2019 when I began to crush on a girl in my class. I still remember the exact moment, I had made some joke with her in class and she started to laugh, and her smile was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I got an odd feeling in my stomach and my chest felt fluttery and I just froze. “You like her” kept repeating in my head. I went home that night and just sobbed (and I usually don’t cry) because I had realized that I was gay and didn’t want to accept it. It was so overwhelming. Well obviously a few months have passed now and I’ve tried to suppress my feelings for her (which have increased massively) but that hasn’t worked. So here I am, a 16 year old closeted gay, in love with her friend :/ yes no one knows I’m gay and I don’t know when I plan to come out. I’m really scared to but it’s people like Dom who make me feel less scared!! She has helped me massively, along with Kat and many other women. Watching them on Wynonna Earp and how normalized their relationship is really makes me feel at ease with myself, and in a sense makes me feel safe. Watching Dom, and especially reading her story makes me feel that little bit more comfortable with my TRUE self. And I’m so so thankful for that, so that’s my story I guess 🙂

An almost married Lesbian

I first acknowledged I was into women in the 5th grade. As a kid I was pretty sheltered so I didn’t actually know what gay/lesbian was, but I did hear about the word bi – so that’s what I called myself. When I told my mom she explained that all women know that other women are beautiful, but that it didn’t necessarily mean I “liked” them. Now, I can acknowledge a good looking dude, don’t get me wrong, but I knew I could never love a man the way I could love a woman. By the time I hit middle school I came out to a few friends who were incredibly supportive. And when high school rolled around, I finally accepted myself enough to openly live as a lesbian. I got very little flack about it thankfully (IMO it’s because of how much larger I was than my peers) but I never truly accepted the part of myself that could be attracted to men. As confusing as this sounds, I still identify as a lesbian because of my previous statement about falling in love. I am lucky enough to love a woman who understands what this means and accepts me for who I am. Unfortunately, our wedding was postponed because of COVID-19, so although I can’t quite call her my wife, we have proudly and affectionately adopted the title of “almost-wife” for each other. Because of my family (who is extremely supportive btw), friends, and the love of my life I am enthusiastically proud to be a part of this wonderfully supportive and kind community. And I am so friggin excited that Start the Wave has joined with the LGBTQ+ community so we can grow and learn and love one another the way that we all deserve!

I identify as a lesbian – Content warning: this coming out story contains discussion and/or description of self-harming behaviour and suicide

I’ve always know since, I was a little girl that I was different from the rest. I would dress more masculine, play with boy toys, I just wanted to be like the boys so girls would like me. But then I realized the sad truth that people judged me for the way I looked I would see persons in the street staring, wondering what I was, if I was a girl or a boy and that really hurt me. When I was about 11 I changed everything because I just wanted to be “normal” I felt as though if I dressed the way society wanted me to and acted differently I would be accepted. So I did it and I was very unhappy but I just wanted to be normal in the eyes of everyone around me. I hid the fact that I was attracted to girls and started talking to guys. When I was 13 and had just at the time been accepted into an all girls high school everything came rushing back. I had hid it for so long and I could not anymore but I was so scared, I was petrified as to what my mother would think of me how she would view me if I told her.So again I tried to push them down way down. At this point I became depressed I lost heaps of weight because I couldn’t eat, I was constantly throwing up because the taught of being lesbian made me sick. I told my mom I was afraid if that the girls in the school were going to make me gay still hiding the fact that I knew I was a lesbian. Anytime a girl walked passed me I felt sick because I was attracted to her. I became so depressed that I was now suicidal, I got visions of the way I was going to end my life and that petrified me. SoI told my mom to take me to the doctor because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. Still I’m hiding now I’m age 14 I’m taken to a Psychiatrist Where I’m diagnosed with ocd from a young age i was also diagnosed with anxiety and adhd so for me I felt even more “abnormal”with this weigh of being a lesbian just poured onto my shoulders. I ended up having to move schools because I was so scared to go to school I was so depressed but I was also put on medication so it made me feel high I became happy again. But was still pushing down those feelings. I decided to date a boy and see how it went.I said to myself that if I did he would make me realize I was not gay. But In fact he did the exact opposite, every time he kissed me I would feel uncomfortable i wanted him to be a girl I just felt so disgusted when he touched me when he tried to arouse me send me pictures of his junk it never made me horny and I just wanted it to end so I broke up with him and started to take time for myself I entered a new school and met many amazing friends but they all talked about boys and I again felt so incredibly abnormal I got back together with my boyfriend and tried it again but I could not . I finally fucked it and let my feeling be I said to myself that I was the person making myself unhappy I was the one slowly mentally and physically killing myself and if I wanted to be happy I had to be me so I came out as a lesbian to my little sister she was my best fiend and she accepted me and that was all I wanted was acceptance and to be loved. I’m now aged 15. That year I met a girl at my school and i fell head over heals everything was so different I felt happy I did not feel appalled when she kissed me it felt amazing and I was myself and I was finally comfortable in my own skin. In October of last year I came out to my mom she was very confused because I did just have a boyfriend it took her awhile but I mean it could be worse and all that matters now is that I am happy I don’t give a single shit what people think of me and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I’m in a happy relationship with my girlfriend who helped me so much in realizing who I was I’m so proud of myself and how incredibly far I have come I’ll be 16 in a month and I can’t wait to continue my life just a year ago I wanted to end it but now I can’t wait to live it I’m Queer and I am proud of my sexuality

I’m living my true self!

When I was around the age of 8/9 I started to noticing that there was something ‘off’ with me. The girls in my class were talking about boys and I wasn’t interested in that. So I was playing soccer and digging in the dirt with the boys. I wasn’t wearing the cute dresses my twin sister liked to wear. I liked wearing the T-shirts and shorts of my older brother. I remember when my mom would put me in a dress I would literally cry. And when my older sisters started dating boys they would tell me “wait until you’re our age. Then you will start to like boys.” I would just say ” okay” , because I thought I didn’t reached the age yet to start liking boys. But deep down I knew there was something different.
When I was around the age of 10/11 I started noticing girls. I started noticing that I liked them…. A lot. I liked them the way other girls liked boys. And that really confused me. I didn’t know what to do with those feelings so I buried them deep down. I didn’t want to deal with them and I definitely didn’t wanted to talk about them. So when anybody asked me if I had a crush or boyfriend or anything I just said I didn’t had time for it. I was to busy playing soccer and school and everything but ‘a boyfriend.’
I buried those feelings so deep that it really changed me in a not so good way. Specially between the age of 13 and 16. I had anxieties and I was depressed. I didn’t let anyone in. At school I only had 2 close friends and even with them I would hide my feelings. I would hide them by being funny and making jokes. I was being the clown of the class so people would laugh. And if they would laugh I was happy. At least I thought I was. But deep down I was destroying myself. The negative thoughts were overtaking my positive thoughts. I was getting even more anxieties. So I started to hide myself. When I was at home I always was in my room. I didn’t come out until diner. And after I would go back. And obviously my parents started to noticing that there was something wrong. My mom had an idea of what it might would be, but she never asked me. So she started dropping hints. If we were sitting at the dinner table playing a game and everyone was there she would say that it would be okay if one of us was gay. Or if we were sitting in the car on the way to school she would say that everyone is allowed to be who he/she wants to be. And from that moment I knew my parents would be okay with it. But I still wasn’t okay with it and that made me even more confused and angry.
I didn’t talk to anyone until I met this girl at my soccer team. She just joined my team and we immediately had a connection. We were really good friends (still are). she was the first person who I told I was gay. The moment I told her I was super scared. Not because of her reaction, because she’s gay to, but I was scared of myself. Scared of once I told anyone I couldn’t go back. But I did it anyway and I knew she would help me to get trough this. And she did. I could always go to her to talk and let all my feelings out. Because of that I didn’t had as many anxieties as before. But I definitely still didn’t feel 100% myself.
It took me a while to tell other people. To tell my other friends and family. Because I still wasn’t okay with being ‘different’. I cared about what other people would think of me. what they were saying behind my back. And I was sick of being in an environment where everyone knows each other and talks about each other. I wanted to go somewhere where nobody knew me so after I turned 19 I decided to go to Australia for a year. And that was the best decision I’ve ever made. In that year I truly found myself and accepted myself as who I was. I made choices I’d never thought I could’ve made if I stayed in that toxic environment. I made some amazing friends who also helped me to get where I am today. And in that year I told my best friend and one of my older sisters I was gay.
When I came back it still took me a while to tell the rest of my family. But when I moved out of my parents home and was starting a new chapter in my life I knew it was time. So I started with my twin sister. I just Facetimed her and told her and she was like: “okay cool! I’m happy for you! What are you having for dinner?”. Then my parents. I was to scared to tell them to their face even though I knew they would totally be okay with it. So I wrote them a letter. I put it in the mailbox so they would read it the morning after. The next day my mom called me at 5.30 AM to say that they still love me and that they knew all along. I Facetimed my brother and others sister to tell them and they had the same reaction as the rest of the family. Only positive and I couldn’t ask for anything else. I’m lucky enough to have such a supportive family and I’m forever grateful for that.
Now I’m 21 years old and I’m enjoying life by not giving a damn about what other people think. I’m enjoying the people around me by choosing them who have a good influence on me. I make good decisions. I try to be positive every single day. And most importantly, I’m living my true self.

XOXO Lisa

#OutisTheNewIn

Trust your heart if the seas catch fire (she/her)

I never knew I was gay when I was growing up. I had a conservative family who never talked about love. I was extremely in denial and extremely obsessed with boys. But, I met a girl when I was 15, at school. And we became fast friends – we were exceptionally close. I thought all friendships were meant to feel like that – warm, safe… slightly obsessive. And then one day she wanted to kiss me, and I was so confused because I didn’t like GIRLS??? And it took me a long time to come around, but she became my first girlfriend and it was the biggest scariest secret I had to keep. We went to an all girls school and she was incredibly affectionate so it wasn’t long before people started talking about us behind our backs and suspecting. I got tonnes of anonymous messages online calling me slurs and asking if we were dating. Keep in mind it was 2012, things were very different than they could be now. So finally after months of rumours about us being “dirty lesbians” and snide comments in class I decided it was time for me to just say it, because I was tired of awful made up stories about me floating everywhere. So I made a post on Facebook telling everyone to stop – stop calling me a lesbian, stop making things up. And I told them that I was bisexual. I received over 300 likes on that post. And somehow, magically, all the hate whispered behind our backs slowed right down. Because nobody had anything to talk about anymore. Because I confirmed the truth, we weren’t hiding anymore. That relationship lasted 18 months and I’ve had many long term relationships with women since. My label has changed over time and I now feel that Queer most describes my sexuality but I also identify with pansexual and bisexual. But for me, my sexuality doesn’t feel like it is just one thing. I feel fluid, like I have the capacity to love anybody. My story has many, many more layers as do all of ours. This is just one short version of my story, and how I became a part of one of the most wonderful communities on earth.