Community Rainbow Waves

Labels are for cans not people….

I consider myself still in the closet. Afraid that ill be defined a certain way even though theres so much of my personality that i love other that who im attracted too. I want people to know me for me a person who has a big heart and wants to inspire people through my career, who loves to celebrate the small acheivements in life and loving my friends and family. I find coming out too be special if you have enough courage and support behind you. But it is freaking scary too come out. I find myself looking away, avoiding eye contact as i feel my heart pound out of my chest whenever someone asks me if i am in a relationship. Can’t muster up an answer quick enough so i avoid it. The world is scary as some people judge others based on what they think is morally correct. But whats worst is myself judging myself on top of others. Being ashamed that i cant feel the way i do because of what society shaped my worldview, fear that i dont deserve acceptence and love. Too afraid to say it aloud.

But if other people can maybe i can…………someday…..

Gay cis gender woman

So… growing up being gay was never a thing. Nobody ever talked about it, or at least not that I remember. In like 6th grade we briefly discussed different sexualities but 6th grade me didn’t think anything of it.
Flash forward a few years and all the girls in my class have crushes on boys and start dating. I was never interested so remembering the 6th grade discussion I just thought I was asexual. Problem solved.
And then I started watching Ellen and figured out she was gay. It took me a while to get the internalized homophobia (and hell I don’t even remember where that even came from in the 1st place.. probably that my dad hates everyone who’s not “normal”) out of my head. But once I realized that people are gay and that’s fine I realized that that’s an option for me to. And there was this big ohhhhhh… Moment where I finally realized.
I then ignored that for another few weeks or months and then wrote about it in my diary. Immediately after I sent it to my internet best friend. She was the only person I trusted enough to tell and I knew she wouldn’t be very judgmental. And I guess the whole internet friendship aspect helped too. It’s easier when you don’t get a response to a text for a few days than it is being ignored irl.
So I sat there anxiously waiting for her response… And she didn’t read it for a while. But when she did read it she responded in the best way imaginable. And that meant a lot. It still does.
Months go by and I wanna tell my friend group that’s around me in school as well. But that involves 3 people. If you tell one.. you gotta tell everyone.
And it was a bunch of times that I was almost at this place where I thought I’m gonna do it. But then one friend (we’ll call her Sally)made some slightly homophobic comment or whatever that most likely meant nothing to her and I was back at zero. I did that a few times.
Finally, summer 2018 after 10th grade I was on vacation with my family. It was the last day of pride month and the next day was my birthday. So that day I gathered all my courage and over WhatsApp told the friend out of the group that I knew the longest and trusted the most(we’ll call her Lina). Her response was positive too.
2 weeks of vacation go by (yes, tactic that in case she reacts badly there’s time ’til we next see each other) and I’m back home. During the following week we met at the pool with another person from the friend group (we’ll call her Anna, not the judgy bitch). I was joking about this one guys hair bc he was relatively small but he had dreads which made his head look huge in comparison. She then asked me if I was into him or something. Both me and Lina giggled. Anna then asked what’s going on as she was very confused. Lina pushed me to tell her but I just couldn’t.
After we got home that day I took to WhatsApp to explain. I know I’m a coward but I can’t handle that much rejection. I get enough from my dad. Lol.
So I explained and she was very cool and understanding about it. So then it was time to tell Sally. Also over WhatsApp. And although she seemed accepting and all… Looking back hell no.
A few days later I met up with her at the pool and we were just laying in the sun talking when all of a sudden she asks me if I could really imagine fucking a girl. I at the time was totally flustered bc baby gay but looking back.. that’s such and inappropriate and dumb question.
Starting 11th grade I was out to my closest friends and so I felt okay about maybe slowly but surely telling other people. Meaning basically everyone but my parents and anyone who’d tell them.
Classes changed and I met a bunch of new people. It didn’t take long and I had queer friends. And that was amazing. Because all this time I thought I was alone… Yet to realize that wasn’t true at all.
One of them (Nick, if you for some reason ever read this, Hi) moved away after 11th Grade but he’s still one of my best (queer) friend.
In 11th grade there was this incident where Sally was showing me a chat with her boyfriend where he basically said he wanted to punch Nick because he’s gay and wearing makeup. She found that funny. And for her it was weird that I didn’t. Then she explained the back story which was apparently supposed to make it funny. Spoiler: it didn’t. It only made it more disgusting and horrifying to me. She never understood why I was offended by her boyfriend being homophobic. And her too.
I’m still very uncomfortable around him. Even tho I barely ever see him. Luckily. And she’ll be the 1st person I’ll cut off when I’m done with school.

Kind-dorky-lesbian-queer-gay

Looking back (on my *very* old and *very* cringe-worthy social media) it seems like I should have known that something was up WAY EARLIER. I always felt more drawn to girls -be that in real life or in characters of books and movies- found them to be more interesting, enticing and mysterious. Beautiful. Next to them my brain equated men with dull, boring and uninteresting. Mind you I value men and I am lucky to say I have some incredible guy-friends and always had them throughout my life. I also grew up in a very openminded and accepting family so my inhibitions and repression truly came from ‚society’. Never in my dreams would I have thought that I would be gay! Where would that thought have come from. I just always thought I wasn’t into relationships. (This is what a heteronormative society does to queer folk!) Turns out I am actually interested in love -what a surprise that was. But my period of self-reflection would never have started had it not been for positive representation in the media I consumed. Most notably Carmilla and Emily Andras’ work on Lost Girl (and later Wynonna Earp) played a big role in that. There were more but non as impactful.
So then I knew. Well I suspected. Then debated with myself for a few weeks and THEN finally I knew. Honestly that was the hardest part for me. The coming to terms with myself. Guess there must have been more internalized issues there than I would have thought possible. Then I told my two best friends -old school style- via actual physical letters I sent them. They were great and I knew they would be. Then came what I like to call my ‚closet-Phase’. It wasn’t long but it was hella awkward. I soon told my sisters and then a few days later I blurted our my truth over lunch to my parents. Not the most graceful move but effective. At this point I would have thought there was no possible way for me to be more openly queer. (I’m talking RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE.) Still I continuously came out to more people in my life. Some were surprised some already knew. Some came out to me in turn as well. On the anniversary of coming out to my besties I got a rainbow tattoo on my ankle. Now I wear a rainbow necklace I was gifted that same year and have never taken off since. My earrings, piercings and watch-band are rainbow. Still some people need to be told. I feel like I will never be done ‚Coming Out’ but I am happy and proud to do it. For all the people who can’t yet themselves live their truth.

My Journey 10 Years Later

I had a feeling I was different many years ago but I did not realize what was different or how I was different form the rest of the people in my class. In 2010, I started develop feelings for a girl and the whole thing made me confused, scared and I had no idea who to open up to about this. At the time I was living in a very conservative country and it was taboo to talk about anything related to the LGBTQ+ (times have changed and the country is a little more understanding now). Since I had no one, I tried opening up to someone I considered my best friend. However, nothing prepared me for happened on March 23rd 2010.

At the time I was still figuring out myself and trying to navigate the feelings I was having but on that day I was outed to my entire class. It was scary because I was not ready to admit to a group of people that I am gay, I was not yet ready to accept it myself. It was all new to me and possibly my biggest secret was out there in the open now. That day I locked away my emotions, built my walls up high and distanced myself from a lot of people. 5 years later I was joining university and leaving the bad memories of high school behind. I desperately needed it as I knew I needed to start fresh and discover myself in a different environment where I wasn’t going to be judged for who I am.

I made new friends but it took me nearly a year to open up to them and show them what kind of person I am. With their unconditional support and patience with me, I started breaking down my walls, showing my emotions, communicating more and most of all, accepting myself for who I am. When I first came out to one of my friends, I was beyond scared because I only had memories of March 23rd but her response was different and she valued my privacy knowing I was still building myself back up again.

10 years on, I have made peace with the events that happened that day but it will always stick with me. Reflecting back I know it made be become more confident in my own skin as well as overall. It made me learn to understand different people and how they cope with different things. It helped me help close friends who are questioning themselves and ask me what my story is.

No one should ever be outed or forced to out themselves when they aren’t ready. It is a journey of discovering yourself and I am still on that journey learning new things about myself. I am proud of where I have reached so far from 2010 and I am proud of who I am.

A strong queer socially anxious chilean teenager who is awakening into a higher self

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION OF SELF-HARMING BEHAVIOR AND SUICIDE.

I turned 18 on January 17th, i guess you could say I have permission to do “grown people stuff” but reading this got me thinking.. why is it legal to have alcohol or whatever at 18 but love in any shape or gender it’s seen as something not normal in any age

I’ve known i was queer since i’ve been a child (10) and at first it seemed really normal to me, feeling butterflies when i hugged my best friend but as I started to grow older i noticed it wasn’t portrayed as something normal or it was portrayed but not the same way as heterosexual love, it was overly sexualised with wlw and i used to hear family member talking about people they knew that were gay, whispering about them like that wasn’t someway ok.
I started pushing away those feelings and i kinda pushed myself to feel something towards boys. Music and films have always been an escape for me but i couldn’t somehow the same representation in the tv on my country so i discovered more representation but in international tv, shows like glee haha and i was honestly in love with the character Santana Lopez because she was gay and also latina too, i felt for once seen.

I started looking up to “famous people” i remember my first celebrity crush was Miley Cyrus.. I was obsessed with her, then i started having butterflies over Justin Bieber so i was really confused because i’ve always heard bad things about bisexual/pansexual people like “they’re promiscous” or one family member that told me “they’d rather have a family member that’s gay instead of being bisexual” for the same reason. Then the crushes went on with different singers and actors and without even noticing i realized i begin to noticed that i could understand english because i’d would listen to music, watch tv, watch the premiere episodes (without subtitles because i didn’t want to stay behind). I fell in love at 15 with a girl from another country, it was beautiful honestly i felt really loved, i felt forced to come out to my mom/and friends because i didn’t want her to feel like i was hiding the relationship, my mom started crying horribly but supported me and she told my dad the same day without my knowledge. I told my dad a year later and he was supportive but he really didn’t think it would last “it was a phase” and “how i was able to know if i’ve never had sex with a boy or a girl” months later it all went wrong with my gf at the time and i got my heart broken.
Oh god that’s the worst feeling ever, my heart physically hurted but with love from my close friends, family, music i was able to be okay again, my dad over the years started noticing it wasn’t a phase, and started to not care too much about my sexuality. My sister is great because she always knew and was okay with it.

(((((((((((trigger warning ))))))))
I’ve also struggled my whole and (short) life with depression, anxiety and suicidal tendencies/thoughts. My parents divorced when i was 1 year old but they still lived together until i was like 7, my father was abusive with me, sometimes my sister but mostly my mom. When i was really young i saw all the violence, i hear all the insults and shouting, i saw how he grabbed my mom and punched her.

Obviously as i started to grow older i develop an aggressive personality too but because i was so angry at him. I used to hate him for a while and i didn’t treat him right either so he would emotionally abuse me, he made me feel so insecure about my self, my body, my mind, the things i enjoyed that i even forgot i was a person. My sister would get on his side because he would manipulate her. He always compared me to my sister and viceversa, congratulated when one of us was “slimmer” and tell the other one that should lose weight. My sister and i until this day struggle with body dismorphia because of this and we always used to fight, treat each other so bad because we didn’t think of each other as ONE but as competition.

When the relationship between my mom and dad couldn’t be forced anymore, my dad got a job in another city and me, my mom and my sister started living in another state.

My dad would come to visit us but my parents always fought over meaningless stuff. I started to notice that the abuse that my dad did to my mom made her ill, she started developing bpd.
I used to treat myself so bad, i would force myself not to eat, i would sleep all day, i would be on pills to keep myself awake or to fall sleep, i would punch myself, hurt myself.
My family couldn’t understand that i was clearly not ok, that i wasn’t being dramatic when i smashed my head into the wall whenever i was upset, that i would either eat too much or eat nothing. My dad never and until this day doesn’t believe in mental health and mental illnesses “they are not real, you are just lazy” “you need to change your mindset” the last one is true but it ain’t that easy because it’s not something you choose, it’s more than a feeling, it’s a chemical imbalance in your brain. When i was 14-16 i was diagnosed with social anxiety. It was the worst period of my lifetime because i wasn’t able to do normal activities my friends could, like go shopping cause crowds made me anxious and trying into clothes triggered me, talk to new people, practicing something new because i couldn’t face rejection, eating in front of people. I stayed in my house all the time sleeping or eating.

I tried committing suicide when i was about 14 and 16, i was hospitalized like three times for 1-2 months. He got worried but he started to made me feel guilty. My mom helped me out a lot and so did my sister, my father slowly started to try to help me in the way he could even though he wasn’t great he was at least trying.

When i there were only 4 years left until i graduate school i changed to a new one because i failed one year since i was hospitalized and lost many days. I was hopeless and my friend’s mom told her about an art school project that’s close to my city my mom told me about it and i got excited but i wasn’t sure, it wasn’t like i had an option because school was 2 weeks ahead, so i said yes.

It was a great decision. I met new people, people liked me. I could start a new life. I started doing things i never thought i’d be able to do again, i was learning about things that i loved, i got closer to music, i even try acting a few times (it was horrifying and had several multiple panic attacks but i can say that i could do it at least three times).
In the two last years of school (in this school) you have to choose specialty between arts, music or theater. I was between music and theater but the last one would make my anxiety even worse so i protected myself and choose music (i wanted to go to that school because of music at first) and it was the best decision i could make, i didn’t have friends at first and felt lonely for a couple of months and i felt stupid because everyone could play an instrument or sing(i could too but i wasn’t THAT great) i didn’t want to go because the voice in my head was there again, making me feel like i wasn’t enough, i didn’t deserve to be there.
Until a met my closest friend now. I’ve never felt more blessed, she’s everything i could ask in a friend, she respects me and my space, hears me, she’s a great musician and doesn’t make me feel like i’m an idiot for not knowing some things, she explaines to me those things, she is nice and kind, really funny and gives the best hugs ever. She wasn’t in the best headspace too i truly believe we found each other for a reason because we’ve grown so much together, we’ve faced fears and challenges together.
One teacher believed in me and talked to me about why i wasn’t going and i told him that i didn’t feel like i was enough, he said to me that i was and that i did have talent and that i was passionate about music. He saw something in me and didn’t leaved me behind, he was really kind to me, he helped me a lot.

I was able to get in in the little orchesta of the school and they teached me clarinet, i fell in love with wind instruments and i had never thought i was even able to play one….
I was able to play in concerts, last year one of our classmates passed away.. it was really hard for everyone, we went to the funeral and played for them because that’s what the parents also wanted. Ive always been drawned to spirituality but i’ve never knew what to do about it, you prettyyyy and mysterious universe haha i forgot to say it but in 2017 i discovered Wynonna Earp and boyyyy it saved my life. I did some research on the people who played the characters and found a small little angel that i was drawn to miss dom!!! i don’t remember exactly when but i noticed she was vegan and had a channel in youtube “start the wave” i’ve tried going vegetarian once but i went back on meat because my family didn’t understand i wasn’t that informed so b12 was kinda fucking me uppppp sis hahah but anyway these videos helped me so m u c h i’ve been vegetarian since i saw that “veganism” video. I eat vegan food every time i possibly can and the same with drinking milk or eggs because i honestly don’t even like those things anymore. Dominique idk if you’re reading this or if you will ever read this between the amount of stories you receive but there’s one thing you should know.

I wouldn’t be the same person if i would had not found you, in fact i’m not sure if i were able to have the strength to make it trough. you had helped me so much, made me connect with myself and my spirituality again, made me realize so many things about love. I’m forever grateful and i truly hope one day i’ll be able to tell you this in person and hug you, you made a huge positive impact on my life, i want nothing but love and feeling at peace.

I truly believe the world is awakening too, we’ve never been more aware, last year the country i live had a rebellion, a beautiful one, people finally started to protest against the system, reclaiming for the rights. The young generation like me did it, and then everyone slowly started to join, even though the coward system and police repressed us by killing and disappearing people, by shooting lacrymogenic on porpuse to people’s eyes (many people lost their eyes for this reason), by torturing people, etc we the young generation are not giving up, we get that the older generation is mostly scared because of the dictatorship of Pinochet in the 73’ but we are not giving up on our rights, we will not let old people die waiting for health or having a miserable jubilation, we’re not letting them to live indebted all of our lives and never living with dignity either, we crave justice for the missing, for the femicide, for the children who live in a system called “sename” who’s supposed to take care of them by taking them away of dangerous situations/houses, but instead make them live a living hell there.

I’ve never felt better and aware, since last year i got into divination, wicca, meditation, crystals, into healing myself, taking care of myself, going to the psychiatrist, started to do things because i enjoyed them even if i feel i suck, started playing the saxophone, singing more and playing more guitar, exercise, i don’t have my life resolved but i’m enjoying the little things for now, finding purpose. My mom’s mental health is not great either but she tries her best, my sister and I get along so fucking good, we laugh sooo much together, talk about these things that made us turn out this way, the things we lived, everything, she’s a beautiful soul. I feel so fucking connected to the universe know that it sorta freaks me out, like synchronization, seeing the same numbers everywhere, manifestation and believe me you don’t even know how much you helped and help me until today.

my story is not over yet and i may have wrotte some words wrong but i am proud of everything i’ve been trough, i’m proud of knowing english and understanding without even studying it, i’m proud of the person reading this, i’m proud we’ve all made it this far, i’m proud of dominique. i’m proud of being queer.

Lesbian

Ive know I was apart of the LGBTQIA community from a very young age. Its been interesting trying to figure out who I am as a individual and how I identify. Growing up as a twin, had its own impacts which affected how I see myself in ways some people don’t understand. While coming to the realization that I was attracted to women, allowed me to have my own voice separate from my twin which was definitely something different. We were seen as one, like most twins are especially if they’re the same sex. But coming to the realization and coming out are two different situations. As well as realizing it and accept it. It was a struggle for me at first to accept it because no one asks to be “different” especially when people are hated for it in some places. My home situation was the best anyone could ask for but the people i grew up around weren’t the most open minded. In my case, I was petrified of what others would think rather than my family because I knew regardless my family would love me but would i still be the same person to the people who were my friends. The beliefs I had made me suppress the feelings for a while but then high school started. My high school experience gave me much anxiety during the first year because I had accepted it by then but i didn’t know if i was ready to be out. The first year of school forced me to be the best “straight” me, so i could connect with others, but not fully show the real me. At this time I was still suppressing a party of me regardless of what anyone said. Id get asked often if i was gay because i’m not the most feminine girl but i refused because the concept of talking about it was never there. My best friend at the time didnt even know and she would often try to get me to tell and it just didnt happen. I was genuinely terrified. Freshman year had just ended and I had been watching a lot of youtube videos on coming outs for inspiration. It had become so physically and mentally exhausting to be in the situation where i’m not being the full me, it felt like I was holding my breath most of the time. i wanted to be me but i couldn’t bring myself to do it so I told myself if my mom asked if i was gay i would just say yes and that would be that, but its not always so easy. My mom had asked multiple times between me maki the decision and me coming out because after a point it became obvious the I wanted to say something but nothing was coming out. Then fathers day came, we went to swim and I was sitting next to my mom in the pool just talking and then question came up. She asked me and I froze. I started to cry and shake my head. She was shocked that I had said yes after denying for so long but she was proud. She was the first person I had come out to, not even my twin sister. A couple minutes later I came out to my sister, then later that night my dad which was harder than I thought it was going to be. I had felt so much relief like a rock had been taken off my chest and it was the best thing i could ask for. They love and support me regardless and thats all I needed. In the next coming weeks I came out to my friends one by one. The deeper the relationship established I did it public while the once that were less intimate I did over text. Although I am out now, i still find it hard occasionally to come out to new people in my life. I don’t think it’ll completely go away but as of right now i’m comfortable with who i am enough to not let others make me feel invalided for who I love. In the fall, i’m starting college in tennessee on a full ride scholarship, and its going to be a ride coming out to my teammates and the other people I meet, but i’m ready for it. Essentially you’re coming out everyday to someone new and its just apart of being who I am and i fully accept that because Im proud of who I am and absolutely nothing will change that.

I am whatever I say I am

June 13, 2020 9:35 p.m. “I’m gay”. I came out to half of my family in a text. I don’t believe there is or ever was a god but I do believe people can be cruel and unfair. I live in a pretty small town in Illinois mostly everyone is religious. But if there is a higher power then how come we don’t get a say in how we want to live our lives. Or if you are gay you go to hell but you get to chose who you love. Then how come you don’t get to tell them you love them. I say people are cruel because I am a thirteen year old female and I fear that people wouldn’t understand me because of who I chose to love. When I was 11 years old I panicked because I liked one of the girls in my class. I still get butterflies when I talk to her. She makes me laugh and she challenges me which I love.To quote a movie” Love is messy and horrible and selfish… and bold. It’s not finding your perfect half. It’s the trying and reaching and failing.” Life sucks but when we find someone who makes it suck just 0.0000000000000001 % less why can’t we decide to love them whoever they are or however they present themselves. You should not have to lie to make other people happy. You should be able to tell whomever you want whenever you want whatever. So, this is my story, well the true beginning anyways, so what’s your. And if you want you can share it. I am gay. I am bisexual. I am pan sexual. I am what ever I say I am. Nobody gets to say differently.

Kalyani

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT ABUSE AND SUICIDE.

There’s a saying in Urdu, “Sitaaron se aagey jahaan aur bhi hai, abhi ishq ke imtehaan aur bhi hai” which means that there are a lot of other worlds beyond the stars other than our own. We still have to face a lot of hurdles on this path of love. And I think that’s exactly how I feel deep in my heart.

My name is Kalyani and I’m from India. I kind of knew I was a lesbian when I was 13. But I was never sure because I always thought a big reason why I wasn’t attracted to boys was because I was sexually abused as a child. So I was confused. I was broken to the point where I completely gave up on life and started using drugs and drinking, hoping that I would somehow magically become “normal” because growing up on India it was always difficult to live my own truth about my sexuality and I wanted to be accepted and loved but I also didn’t want people to judge me for who I was. So I always kept pushing it away and that led to self harm and s*icidal tendencies.
2019 was the definitive year for me. That’s when I decided to take help and started therapy. And it helped me accept myself and love myself. I’m not saying I’ve magically just started appreciating myself but I’m getting there. I’m trying to let go of my past and forgive the people who have hurt me, I’ve reached out to the people I’ve hurt in the process and asked for their forgiveness. I started my food business in 2020 and even though I don’t always make a lot of money, I want to help the Indian LGBTQIA movement on any way I possibly can so that people like us can be heard and accepted and be allowed to live their life without being judged or shamed.

Hannah

When I was 12 years old, I had realized that I had been an oddball for the entirety of my schooling. I was different, almost like an outcast and I didn’t like it. I had realized that I like girls. My parents along with the rest of my family are incredibly homophobic, so I decided to internalize everything. I had done so for 6 years until I got to my senior year of high school. I wanted to start being myself, but I knew I couldn’t as long as I was under the same roof as my parents. Summer 2019, I moved in to college and within 3 days of being there, I had already met a girl. I could finally be myself. My parents didn’t have to know about it, everything was okay. People at college really accepted me for who I was and it was so different compared to high school. However, both my parents ended up finding out along with the rest of my family the day before my 19th birthday. A lot of my family are now hesitant to talk to me. In this period of time, lack of acceptance from them made my motivation decline. I had stopped going to my classes, I stopped eating, and I stopped taking care of myself all around. I ended up having to drop most of my classes as a music therapy major due to failing grades. I lost scholarships and money, but worst of all I had lost myself. When 2nd semester came around, I was excited for a fresh start. However, my mental health hadn’t gotten any better. I ended up having to drop out of college on a full ride in which I had been studying for my dream job as a music therapist. I live at home now with my parents and never stop getting to hear the homophobia. I’m doing my best to try and support myself as well as my girlfriend. I’m trying to get a stable job so that I can move out before the end of 2020 and plan to apply to a 2 year paralegal program so I can have a somewhat stable career. Currently, I’m a full time musician trying to record music and get my name out there for people to hear. All I have ever wanted to do was make people feel good with the music that I make, whether they relate to it or not. I want to make music for people like me, but also for people who aren’t like me. Anything to bring more positivity and awareness to the world.
I usually label myself as a lesbian, but I just want to love who I love and have it not be an issue to others that I just so happen to be attracted to women. I know that good things are to come for me, all I can do is be patient. But I’m proud to say that I like women. I had never had this much pride for something since I started playing music and it’s such a beautifully bizarre feeling. I’m happy to say that I am a 19 year old raging homosexual female.

Take time to love yourself. Remember that. Always.

Well, time that i’ve felt that I am “different” for some, is pretty much equal to my age. And I am 27 years old. Growing up as a girl in small village where all my playmates were boys mostly my age and a bit older – it was hard. I used to look like a little boy for some time before I went to school, but a lot of kids gets their gender mixed up, right?
My parents, who actually are homophobic, used to “joke” around and asked me if I am going to marry a girl or a boy. I remember that I really-really hated that “joke”. Because I was really confused. Mostly because the equality. Boys always got awesome toys, they were allowed to go play whereever they want whenever they want, they were allowed to choose which girl they like, are they going to marry “love of their life” and who they are going to be when they grow up. I wanted those thing. Not to be boy, but to be equal. To choose my own path.
Today, I am single, I have no children. By my own choice. And I live in a place where people around me find that “my choice” is wierd and wrong. Because “standard” is marriage, kids and lower salary for same jobs that men have. “No boyfriend and with short hair -must be a lesbian” I hear people say…
But am I bi/gay/queer? Today I am human. I like other humans. I have felt and still feel love and attraction towards both men and women. If others find that it means that I have a label attached somewhere that says “bi”, then it is okay.
I have made my peace with it now. But it took me solid 25 years to make peace with .. myself. But to we really need to label eachother anything else but “human”?
I am open to love whatever shape or size it will arrive in my life. Maybe “it” is already here with me.
So, I came out to myself. I am human. No coming-out-party or post in social media, just me, on my own in my happy place. Accepting me.
Have I told my family and friends that I like /love both men and women?
Not to my family, because they figured it out before I did, right? (You know, “who you’re going to marry and stuff…) But I have never really had “the talk” or talked about my partners. Big family events – I have always attended alone. And since they are mostly homophobic, I do not feel the need to feed their hate. They are dear to me, but they don’t understand that love and attraction is between humans, not between genders. And that there is no “right” and “wrong” in love – we love our friends, families, pets, followers, fans… our partners in life. So I’m a “little rebel” in my family.
My closest friends know that I am open to love in any shape and size. I chose to tell them because they matter. Today they are my chosen family.
“Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind, do not matter and those who matter, do not mind” – I had that quote on my wall for years. (But I don’t know by who it is originally). It really helped me to accept myself.
I hope that there will be a time when girls and boys at all ages can say to their friends and families that they have found love of their life – same sex or not – and not be judged, or hated, or bullied, or even physically hurt, because believe it or not, making peace with yourself is challenging enough in todays society. And by hurting a human being, who is already struggling – it breaks and kills beautiful souls. Be kind. Start The Wave.