Community Rainbow Waves

Fiona

My journey began when I was 16. I found myself being completely infatuated with a girl at school. I had huge butterflies in my stomach every time I saw her. I found myself checking women and freaking out that I was doing this. When I was 17, things were changing again because I was starting to have fantasies involving women. Again, I was panicking because I didn’t want to be gay. At 18, I accepted myself as a lesbian but I was still scared of coming out to my friends and family.

Moving on to being now 22 years old, I went to London for a working holiday and to meet a woman (a fellow South African) who I had been chatting with online for a long time.

While I was there, I spent a lot of time with my now ex-girlfriend and we went to a club together called Heaven. I saw people being who they are, not being scared. That was the moment that I felt I have to come out to my family.

I felt that I had to tell my mom that I am lesbian and did so via email while I was in London.
I spoke to my Mom again when I got back from London. She was OK about as long as I was happy but also curious to know if I wanted to get married and have children.

(This was when same sex marriage was not legal yet in South Africa)

My sister was surprised and I never told my Dad as he was homophobic.

It’s great to be open and free to be who I am.

Queer

When I was a kid, my parents never taught me that there are different types of people. And in everyday of my life, I started to think that those people are not normal. As time goes by, (thanks to the emergence of social media and technology) I slowly learned about people that I thought was not normal. I remembered when I was on my 8th grade, I had this admiration towards my girl classmate. I can’t understand what I was feeling back then, but I knew it was more than an admiration. She wasn’t my bestfriend, nor a friend, she was different. And when she started getting a little cozy with me, I freaked out and pushed her away. Because all I know is that, if a girl likes a girl, they’re full-on lesbian, and if a guy likes a guy, they are gay. I was naive with these kind of things because my parents are somewhat conservative and “homophobic” and so they never taught us when it comes to that. I had no idea that there are different labels of sexual orientations for someone. All throughout my high school life, when I knew a girl is getting cozy with me, I would totally shut them off because I’m afraid a girl would like me. And that was the biggest and most stupid thing that I ever did. I was shutting off and pushing away people who are actually willing to show love and care towards me.

But when I got into college, it became a plot twist for me. I met this girl from an org in our school. I saw how dedicated she was on what she was doing and I saw myself staring at her everytime we see each other. That was when I started to really admire and get attracted to girls too. I freaked out, not in a bad way, but I freaked out because I realized it’s real and that is who I am. And that time, it’s like I was hit by a huge rock, or an overspeeding truck, or a lion just bit me, that I like girls as much as I like guys.

I think, labeling your sexuality is your job and no one elses. Because you only get to know yourself more than anyone. With me, I don’t like to label myself yet, because I know I’m still young and I still have a lot to experience and journeys that I have to go through. I’m just really happy and glad that Dominique inspired me to come out publicly, like, to strangers. Which is strange because this is my fear and only fear. Ever since I watched Wynonna Earp, Dom already gave me confidence to totally know and accept myself more. Maybe by coming out to you guys, it will make me accept myself more before I come out to any of my friends or relatives. Though I’m still sh*t scared on what other people might say or people knowing about my true self, at least there are people like you who understands and accepts other people’s truths. And I’m thankful that I came across to Dominique and met a lot of amazing and inspiring people.

I wish I could have the courage and bravery a lot of you guys have into coming out to people. Maybe not now, but soon. And I believe the time will come , I can proudly wave the rainbow flag not just for me, but for all of us🙂 xx

Under The Same Sky

Salaam from your kazah nomadic wanderer, who finally has found her place in Turkey.

Please do not blame me for my pretentious greeting, it is only a slight whiff of those feelings and sensations that live in my heart (in positive tone, of course 🙂

The overemotional part of me, having overcome the thorny path of finding myself, looking back, can say with a big smile on my lips that it was a long way back and really hard.

There is no greater happiness than being yourself. To be able to breathe freely and not be afraid to confess your feelings to someone who excites your soul so much that your heart skips a beat every time you catch a familiar face on the rearview mirror of your car.

You can deceive everyone around you for an endless time, and sometimes play this role so convincingly that you begin to believe it yourself.

But even so, no one has the right to judge you. Because no one else knows what you went through or are still going through. Only you decide how to live: rise up and fly high in the sky freely, like a bird, or sit in a dusty closet, where it is dark and damp. This is your choice. There are different circumstances and everyone has their own reasons.

I am 33 years old, I am from Kazakhstan and I am a lesbian.

I have always known about my orientation since kindergarten. But even when I grew up and went to elementary and then high school, even after I entered the adolescent phase, I never spoke openly about myself. Never to anyone. At University, there was a moment when I told my friend about my orientation and she stopped communicating with me. Then I decided to just not stand out from the crowd and be like everyone else. Just like the others.

We live among people who are so used to putting labels on everyone and everything that if someone doesn’t live up to their expectations or does not meet their ideas of “normality”, they immediately turn into outcasts.

We live in an environment where society sets the rules and dictates what is “normal” and what is”abnormal”.

We live in a World where money and status have become more important than the mental health. Where real life and colors of nature are erased in the glossy pages of social network. Where the individuality and uniqueness of individuals are distorted under the forced images of imaginary saints.

This is how we live. I lived in such an environment, socialized with such people and tried so hard to match their scale of normality that I began to lose myself. After a while, I didn’t know where I really was, and I couldn’t tell my real self from the image I had created for the public.

Yes, I had a cool job with a high salary. Yes, I had “friends” with whom I spent time, had fun and talked about abstruse topics. Yes, guys were interested in me, asked me out on dates and even confessed their love. Hoy, but I wasn’t interested. So yeah, I really thought I was asexual 🙂 And I didn’t have the most important thing – happiness.

I was just a pale reflection of other people’s emotions and feelings, and deep down I was always alone. Loneliness and I became best friends. During the day I put on my loneliness like a shirt, and during the long cold nights it wrapped me like a plaid. When my circle was celebrating holidays and having fun to the fullest, there were none of those faces who knew the real me. Nobody. The saddest thing is to feel completely alone when you are surrounded by people. This is the price of your obedience.

I was unhappy. How can you be happy if the light of your soul is muted, and there are no colors in the palette that you would like to paint the canvas of your life with?

Until I met Her. An unexpected meeting on a sunny autumn day that turned my whole world upside down. Our friends thought we were just colleagues. Our families thought we were just friends. I don’t know what I was to Her, but to me, She is my favorite topic of conversation with the Heavens for all eternity. No, I am not religious. I just believe in miracles, in the rainbow unicorn and in Sailor Moon 🙂

For the first time, I felt what it was like to be truly happy. And then I didn’t want to and couldn’t live the way I had before I met Her.

I found wings to soar above the images of public opinion about “normality.” I got my voice back to say: “Hey, I’ve had enough of this shit! (pardon my French). Now, I will be myself”. I found the will to change my life and live in full colors. I accepted myself and found freedom. Yup, the number of acquaintances and friends has decreased. But the PLUS is that the atmosphere has become friendly.

Maybe your feelings will be one-sided or vice versa, you will be among the lucky ones who reciprocated (woohoo, congratulations dude!). Or maybe you haven’t met your soulmate yet and you’re not in a relationship right now. It is all right, sooner or later you will catch your wave 🙂

After all, to be able to openly talk about your feelings, about yourself and your dream means to have equal rights.

Equal rights to be yourself, to love and not to be afraid that you will come under the pressure of public hatred for WHO YOU ARE.

Someone will understand you and support you, someone will turn away and stop communicating with you. It is OK, everything will be fine. You are not alone! Here WE are, your rainbow soulmates 🙂

I am not asking for special treatment. I am just asking for equal treatment. To live. To be who I am. To love..

Sometimes words just aren’t enough to describe all your love. Sometimes a smile just isn’t enough to express that love. Hiding my feelings in a veil of lies, I don’t understand what is real and what is fiction. I choose to live under the same sky and enjoy a sunny day, speak openly, smile in front of everyone and hug when it snows or walk next to my loved one in the rain.. Always in this way.

When you are really happy, your soul shines so brightly that your heart becomes so warm. It is like you can embrace the whole World!

Na’vi from the planet Pandora greet each other with “I See You”, which means “I see the real you, not what you seem” (thank you, James Cameron). I see into you. And I understand you. Guys, I SEE YOU! Let’s be kind to each other. Let’s make a better World for you, for me, for ALL of US!

One meeting can change your life. One voice can change the World. One good thing can change Everything.

Be yourself. Be free. Be happy.

Much love and “may the Force be with you”!

#underthesamesky

Fluid

Im only 15 and I’ve known since I was about 9 or 10. I’ve known for years but I came out to my friends and close family in early 2019. For me it was just noticing little things like in movies I could never keep my eyes of the girl although I found the guy good-looking, I always found myself matching myself with a girl from the movies like ‘what happened if me and her were together’. I was curious, but then I got a crush on a girl in my grade and I knew that well I’m not straight. My parents kind of figured out and they weren’t that surprised. But my brother accidentally outed me to my parents. It was funny. But I thought I was bi but it changes all the time so I decided to stick to fluid cause I don’t need a label. I love who I want to love. I don’t really care what you are x

Lesbian badass

Ever since I knew how to speak, I’ve always been drawn to females and never really to males? I didn’t grow up with a lot of representation so the word lesbian wasn’t very common. Gay was a big word growing up for me however, it was used in very negative connotations and that’s what started the repression part of my sexuality. I repressed it and thought it would just go away, I prayed for hours, I tried everything to make it go away and it wouldn’t. Until one lucky fateful day. Wynnona Earp. Season 1 episode 09. Bury Me With My Guns. One of the first LGBTQ+ couples I’d seen in the media. I was immediately struck. The show helped me realise that what I was wasn’t something bad. It was something beautiful. I was never truly able to accept myself at all before that. And after I told a few friends about it, I realised, I wasn’t alone. The majority of my friends experienced similar things, whether it be gender or sexuality. So I thank Emily Andras from the bottom of my heart for allowing such beautiful representation, and such accurate representation to find its way onto my (cracked-but-still-working) screen. 😀

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I am Me who feels like a He but to you I’m a She.

As a child growing up in a small city in NE TX, I didnt know i was different until puberty hit and my natural instinct was an attraction to girls. I had always seen myself as a little boy. So it wasn’t until junior high when I heard someone said I was a lesbian. Didn’t know what that was but I knew it wasn’t me.

Met my first gay people at the local college. We took a trip 70 miles away to a gay bar. I was comfortable there being able to be open and out. But I still didn’t fit. Even though I saw very nice looking women with some very butch women, I knew I was still different from these people. I was different because I wasn’t gay and I wasn’t a lesbian. Inside, I was a straight man and that kept me from blending in.

Do you know what it’s like to fall for a girl, a straight girl, and the only thing preventing her from reciprocating your feelings is that you aren’t a guy? Ok, some of you do, but it was hell. I suffered depression and anxiety all of my life because I wasn’t a guy. What I saw in my mirror was not what other people saw.

I adapted mostly, but I finally realized this is who I am and I can’t change it. Well, I could if I was loaded with money. So I accepted I was transgender, butch, gay, queer…anything but lesbian. When people assumed I was gay, then I was gay. But then I found myself explaining why I wasn’t a lesbian. Because a lesbian is a woman who enjoys being a woman and is attracted to other women sexually. On the box where you check your sexual orientation I just wanted one that said, IT’S COMPLICATED.

I’m so glad that we have achieved milestones since those childhood years of mine over 60 years ago.
Being different from mainstream heterosexuals is still never easy but knowing the majority of the population supports us makes it so much easier to be me….and you…and her and him and them.

In the 80s, a wide variety of musicians and artists along with Michael Jackson, made a music video.

We are the world, we are the future.

That future they talked about is us. You and me.
For now, we are free.
I am just me.

Stay loud, stay proud.

Sunsets on Mars are blue

I’ve always liked science and reading about anything and everything I could. I grew up as a very curious kid, and was mix of sporty and bookworm. I loved structure and the sense of control that sports gave me. But what I was never able to achieve was to be feminine enough to be seen as a traditional girl and of course I was not a boy either. I was once again a dycotomy, and that mix in my gender expression translated for over fifteen years in being a loner. I love learning and as much as reading about society and history makes me passionate, I came to recognize that I had been avoiding knowing about myself, my truth self. For years I tried to model my behaviour and looks to fit into some image others had created of me and I was so thirsty to fullfill, specially what I thought my parents wanted me to be. I admit now that I was scared of the knowledge that was already deep inside me: I liked girls. The simple thought of it felt to me like I was flirting with something that was out of my reach. I tried to numb it during my teen age years until I relapsed into an episode of severe depression. Now I wonder how many years of deep sadness I could have avoided if I had listened to myself instead of letting the outside noise damp my own voice. I have always known I am gay. Proof of that is how many times I had crushes with female superheroes (Hallee Berry as Storm in XMen was maybe my first) and how many times I craved to be more similar to certain strong female figures (like Ronda Rousy). The knowledge was always there, waiting for me to open that chapter of my own life. My self-acceptance felt like washing my worries away while getting soaked in pouring rain: cleansing and comforting. Then came my very first real relationship with some girl I met in college that quickly morphed into a psychologically violent relationship. It still stings to think of myself as an intimate partner violence survivor as well as a sexual assault survivor. I failed to protect myself because I focused on filling an image that wasn’t my own. Now as I work as a therapist and have made peace with my past I wonder, how many other queer kids like me are in a greater danger to be hurt because they feel the need to hide? How many adults grow up as broken humans because they get denied the chance to shine in their own light? I mourn for the queer kid I was. For that little girl who loved sports and to dress like a boy, who loved climbing trees and wanted more than anything to be able to be the red Power Ranger instead of the pink one. I mourn for all the queer kids like me who are still waiting to shine. If one of you is reading this I can tell you, it gets better, you are loved and wanted just as you are. I finally made peace, I am in a relationship sith a wonderful woman who showed me her acceptance and love to my truth self when she looked for sciencey facts that she knew would make me happy to know. Now in my ribs shines my tattoo with the first fun fact she looked for me: Sunsets on Mars are blue.
I am not longer afraid of knowing myself completely: I am a therapist, still love science, I love sports, I still dress a lot of times more masculine. I am a gay woman and proud. I am loved. I am valid. I am wanted. I belong.
So if you are still seeking, still waiting, if you feel alone I tell you this: I got your back, always, I am your family now. You are wanted, you are loved, please keep shining with your own light.

Label-less she/her, living down under

Hello !!!!! I’m not one for labels , but what is fitting is transgender bisexual. I had my bisexual realization early on, I was in kindergarden and kissed a girl on the I think looking back at it now at age, you somewhat know that you might have an inkling that something was different, for me I grew up in a family being one of 5 kids and the youngest all i knew was same sex relationships.

The first person I kissed was a guy I was 15, I thought hmm maybe the fact it was a horrible first kiss that this was the reason i wasn’t feeling it (it was a horrible kiss) but that didn’t stop me I tried and tried so many times throughout my high school years even with a boyfriend which didn’t last long (poor guy properly thought he turned me) It seemed the more I tried the more it became just a routine kiss a guy no strings attached. Never feeling that internal I can’t live without this person in my life.

Jumped to the age of 19, To the first girl I kissed. I had a friend shall we call her (trial and error) I had known her since I was 12 & We all found out that she was with another girl, yes the 1st person i actually knew that was gay. I found myself being intrigued and I can’t remember to this day 100% but I think I ended up messaging her on chat (When all the chat rooms were all the rage) and asking her questions.. the questions lead to us talking a lot and hanging out a fair bit. Then we decided to go for a drive one night, we drove for hours till she pulled up to a street that had a area just to the side of the road we got out did the normal thing joked around each other, then her face turned serious her eyes looked onto mine & she just kissed me.

i still remember that feeling, that feeling that i had been wanting for all those years. That warmth and butterfly that just hit you all at once, like instantly. All the dots started to connect & things like my obsession to watch Joan of arc just for Leelee Sobieski & wanting to always hang with certain girl “friends” all start to made sense.

The issue in all this though was the girl that i had kissed also had a big mouth.. everyone I knew had found out not by me but by her. At first i was worried that it would change how my best friends would perceive me, how they would treat me. I was petrified that it would some how change the way they interacted with me.

The only person I actually ever told directly was my mum, she didn’t talk to me for days which seemed like years when you drop a bombshell that they never see coming. Don’t get me wrong my mum is the biggest supporter of my life choices now but it did take a while for her to understand and accept.

After many years of heartbreak from falling for the wrong people and some in your 20’s crazy choices, some good some bad I find myself in a relationship now for the past 6 years with a women. Im out to everyone in my personal life but not but still in my work life, maybe one day I will brave enough within myself to be able to live my true self in whatever form that may be across all aspects of my life. One thing I do know is, never feel guilty for making your happiness come first, never be sorry for being exactly who you were born to be. Im a 36 year old in finance from Sydney, Aus & Love has no labels and either do i.playground. My transgender one, however , came later in my life, around the time of middle school. I wasn’t feeling comfortable in my body, around my friends and family, or even whenever no one was around. I wasn’t happy anymore. I looked in the mirror, closed my eyes, and asked myself what would make me happy. I saw myself as a boy. And that surprised me. I talked to a friend, and they told me about the term transgender. That is when I figured out who I was.
Now I didn’t really have the chance to come out much. I only came out to a few people, but then the news spread like wildfire. My friends at my school were all accepting of me, some of them wished I told them myself, others were glad they new. But then it got to my parents, and they didn’t accept me at all. It was rough. Everyday I would cry just wanting my home life to be better. I almost took my own life. But then I found a “secret gay club” at my school. A bunch of lgbtq+ people came together after school on Friday’s to talk about their problems their stories and even just how they were feeling that day. I found a home there (even though I only went to about 3 meetings). They helped me learn to accept myself for who I am, labels or not.
Now it has been about 3 years since I have come out. Things have gone up and down but are gradually getting better. I have had a few people who have supported me throughout, and I couldn’t be more grateful. My home life is slowly but surely getting better, and even if it doesn’t I still have a few people who love me for who I am.
For anyone struggling to figure out who they are, finding what labels works for them, or are struggling with acceptance from themselves or others, THINGS GET BETTER !!! I PROMISE THEY DO !!! You have your whole life to figure out who you are. You don’t have to have a label if you don’t want to, you can just be you. Overtime, you will find acceptance. Whether it’s through someone you meet, people warming up to the idea of who you are, or even through sites like this, there will always be a community that will accept you. You just have to breathe, give it time, and never give up on yourself.

Lesbian

I’m closed Lesbian. I’m living in the country is strictly Illegal for LGBTQ. But I’m happy with who I am.