Community Rainbow Waves

GAY / LESBIAN

I realised that I was different when I was 14 years old. I grew up in a pretty strict christian family, so I was scared. I believe in god myself and that’s why I prayed every day for two years for my “problem” to go away, to “turn” straight. But at one point something was telling me that nothing was wrong with me. That I was born this way and that I should be proud of myself for what I am and what I’ve been through.
I started to tell some friends that I’m into girls and for most of them it wasn’t even a big surprise. After that I told my family. First my mother, after that my brother. The last one was my father. He was homophobic in the past so I was really afraid of telling him. But he told me that he loved me anyway und our father-daughter-relationship has never been better. He is really proud of me and of who I am today. Together, we even talk about how “complicated” women are, haha.
One day, not long after telling him that I was gay, I called him on the phone. He was driving home from work and it was the first time I told him about a girl. He said to me “I wish you could see me right now. I have tears in my eyes. I’m so happy for you and so proud.”

People can change. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes people won’t understand. But, YOU are precious and worthy, remember that! Be good to yourself. You’re not alone. We’re all in this together. It will get better!

Shows like Wynonna Earp that have LGBTQ+ characters in it really helped me getting through the rough times.
So thank you for that!

Now I’m 22 years old and still waiting for the love of my life. But I’m optimistic that I’ll find her one day.
Greetings from Germany,
Livia

I’m a trans-masculine nonbinary lesbian.

I realized that I liked women when I was thirteen. I recognized it and came out as bisexual when I was fourteen years old. I came out for the first time on 3/29/20. I kept searching for labels that fit better after realizing that bisexuality didn’t fit me. I began experimenting with they/them pronouns and my attraction to men decreased very quickly. I chose a new name for myself and began using they/them pronouns. I began identifying as a lesbian, and came out as a lesbian in June 2020. In July, I came out as nonbinary. I started dressing masculine and I felt a lot more comfortable. I was not accepted by my family after coming out, and I struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety and possibly ADHD. Even though I was out of the closet, I still struggled with internalized homophobia and compulsory heterosexuality. My family continues to deadname and misgender me, despite all my efforts to correct them and get them to use my correct name and pronouns. I began to self harm to cope with gender dysphoria and my family’s rejection of my identity. I still live with my family and I am not currently able to get away from them or move out. Seeing the state of the country that I live in, and how it treated people like me worsened my feeling of hopelessness. My story does not have a happy ending yet, but I want to live to make it better. I am human. I’ve got goals, and dreams, and hopes. I am not just my past, and I am not just my trauma. I want to become an actor. I want to have a family one day. I want to adopt kids when I get older. I can’t wait to make some of my dreams come true.

Bisexual, Indian, Female, Androgynous. Still a badass 🙂

I didn’t know you could be something other than straight until I was 13. Growing up in India when homosexuality was still a crime, I didn’t exactly see myself represented in any way. But I guess it’s always been a part of me, whether I saw it or not. I “wanted to be friends” with any girl I thought was cool. I wanted to be the “boy character” in any kind of role-play games. I was starstruck looking at both Zac Efron and Ashley Tisdale. Typical baby gay things.
My internalized homophobia convinced me that I couldn’t come out until I was sure that it wasn’t a phase. (If anything, being straight was my phase) I could muster up the courage to tell my friends only when I was 16 and when I did, I could feel some baggage physically being lifted from my heart. I was always worried that things would change between my friends and I but thankfully they’ve been super supportive and we are closer now because we are more honest with each other :’)
My parents are a tough nut to crack. They’re not homophobic, but can’t imagine having a daughter “like that”. It’s bad enough that they don’t have a girly daughter, and sometimes I feel guilty about my self expression. I don’t think I will ever feel confident about coming out to them.
At the same time, I know there’s hope. Homosexuality has been decriminalized (in India), I see positive representation in media and I choose to have faith in the human race. There are going to be people who won’t accept me, and that’s okay. I would rather be hated for who I am than be loved for someone I’m not.
Love is Love ‍
~S

Lesbian

I didn’t come out until 2015 at 25 years old. I definitely questioned my sexuality starting in high school, and at times throughout my late teens/early 20s, but due to the environment I had grown up in (a small closed-minded, country community) I always pushed it away or tried to think of an “excuse” as to why I was always drawn towards women. I was raised in a family that was Mormon on my mom’s side.. My parents divorced when I was very young, and living with my mom, I was essentially made to follow the Mormon faith as a young child/teen. I was very, what people called, “tomyboy-ish” as a kid. I hated wearing girl’s clothing and dresses. I enjoyed wearing baggy jeans and t-shirts throughout most of my school years. This caused me to never even have any “boyfriends” as I wasn’t “attractive” to them. I had friends who would try and “change” me, and dress me up and want to give me make overs, but nothing stuck. Things changed drastically for me when I discovered the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer in middle school. My style began to change to become more “feminine” as I wanted to dress more like the characters in the show. At this point, I had friends who wanted me to date guys and I was constantly asked if I had a crush on any boys at school. I never did, though at times would say so just to shut people up. As I got farther into Buffy and witnessed the relationship between Willow and Tara develop, it opened my eyes to the fact that there was more then boys and girls as couples. I didn’t have any education on gay relationships before this, and when I started asking questions was told that it was a “sin” and that god made “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve”. My freshman year, I actually had a crush on one of the girls in my grade, and tried to befriend her, as she was one of the nicer people in my class. I was crushed when I found out that she had started telling people that I was weird. (To be honest, I was in a new school, and I wore my long “Buffy” black leather jacket all the time, so maybe I was?) Regardless, it shut me down so hard and I was internally embarrassed with myself for even thinking I could like her like that. Aside from this, I had always been a movie buff growing up. However, I had always been drawn to the women in films. I never cared about the guys. I guess the easiest way to explain it was that when my friends and I would watch movies and shows whilst they were cheering for the girl to “kiss the guy”, I was always cheering more for “kiss the girl”. Looking back now, I had huge crushes on Nicole Kidman, Vivien Leigh, Renee Zellweger, etc. Back then though, I was scared to think of it in those terms so I always just told people I “admired” them (which I did too) when they asked why I was so obsessed. (I mean, I literally convinced my Mormon grandfather to get me a custom pastel drawing of Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge for Christmas one year, and he didn’t question ANYTHING about that?!). Anyway, watching Willow and Tara’s relationship on the show, made me continue to question whether I was gay myself. I would mention that they were my favorite characters and relationship on the show to family members at times, but no one ever asked me to elaborate or said anything. Eventually, I suppressed that part of me for several more years. I tried going on dates with a couple of boys in college, but never felt comfortable. I eventually resigned myself to be “forever alone” as I was scared to question my sexuality any more, but also didn’t want to date any boys. Fast forward to 2014- in the small county where I lived, all of my friends were now dating other people, moving in together, and getting engaged. I became severely depressed as I was tired of feeling so alone. One of the things I always turned to when I was depressed would be Buffy. I started re-watching the show in mid 2014, and as I, again, saw the relationship between Willow and Tara unfold, it became clear to me that I was gay. I still struggled to say it out loud. I was too afraid to do so. In my head I felt like the second I said it aloud I wouldn’t be able to hide it, and then my family would know, and my dad (who I was certain was homophobic) and my mom who didn’t agree with the lifestyle would disown me or my mom would kick me out. Finally in the fall of 2014, I said it out loud to myself in my room one night. I remember having just watched the episode “New Moon Rising” of Buffy where Willow chooses to pursue her feelings and relationship with Tara. It felt so good to say out loud to myself, but I didn’t feel safe telling anyone else, not even my best friend. I realized that I wasn’t in an environment where I felt comfortable doing so. Luckily, in the beginning of 2015, I had a friend reach out to me that I had made during my brief stint on the Disney College Program, and say that she needed another roommate in Florida. I had been looking to go back and work for the company, and also desperate to get out of Virginia and the environment I had been surrounded by. Right before I moved down, I had a phone call with my younger sister on the phone one night. I said the words, and came out to her. It was terrifying at the time, and I asked her to not say anything to anyone else. She was super supportive and chill about it, which I had kind of figured for her, but it was still scary. Moving back down to Florida right after was the best decision I could have ever made. I came out to my 2 roommates that were also some of my best friends, and as they shared more values like mine, they were also super supportive and nonchalant about it. I remember my roommate Josh saying in the car the day I told him, “Okay cool”, and that was it. And it was SO nice not having to give an explanation or answer question after question. After coming out to them, I didn’t feel like I was constantly hiding myself anymore, and since I was new to Florida again, I didn’t have to pretend. I could just be my normal self. Of course I didn’t go around yelling it out at people, but I didn’t hide or feel uncomfortable when people would ask about my sexuality. It was freeing. That fall I went back home and came out to all of my friends back in Virginia. Same as before with my sister and roommates, they were so supportive. The only people I had yet to tell were my parents. A year later in 2016 I took a trip back to Virginia again, this time with the plan to tell my parents and step-parents. During the trip my mom had made several comments throughout the week that made me feel like I couldn’t tell her. I chickened out and didn’t say anything. My time with my dad and stepmom was different, but I was not sure how to approach the subject. I ended up not having to, as the day I was supposed to fly back, my stepmom looked at me and flat out asked “are you gay?”. I took this as my chance, and just said “yep”. She asked a few more questions, told me she loved me, and suggested that I should tell my dad later on the way to the airport. I didn’t really get that chance, because I guess she told him first. As we sat in the car and I tried to find a way to bring it up, my dad said, “I hear you have something you want to tell me”. I was very confused and slightly annoyed, but said that I did, and asked what my stepmom had told him. He said that she had clued him in a bit, and that he loved me. I didn’t know what to say at that point. I guess I really didn’t get to come out to him, because he must’ve pieced it together from what he had been told. At that point, I let it go and didn’t worry about it. We’ve still never had a full conversation about me being gay, but I think that’s just the way my dad and I work. The following spring, my sister called me and said “can you please tell mom? she’s been asking me lots of questions and won’t let it go.” I figured over the phone was better than waiting until I saw her again, so I called her up the next day, and had a regular conversation with her. At the end though, I told her that I was going to answer a question that she had been prodding my sister about. I told her I was gay, and her first response was “when did you decide that?”. This prompted a very frustrating and emotionally fueled call that ended well for the most part. I don’t know how much my mom’s opinion has changed regarding LGBTQ+ rights, as I’m honestly afraid to ask her. These days she asks about my dating life and such, so it feels like she’s understanding and making an effort to understand and be a better ally. It is SO nice to be able to travel home, and not feel like I have to hide anything from any of them or pretend to be someone different, and to be able to crack jokes, and talk openly. I realize that I am very lucky when it comes to how my family reacted to my coming out, even though I expected the worst. I hope that one day, any and everyone who might still be hiding a part of themselves, feels that freedom and weight lifted. I also hope that one day we won’t have to “come out”, and that we can just love who we want without it being called into question.

Robbie

I probably first realised that I was queer when I was about twelve years old but I wasn’t quite aware of it. I was just aware of the fact that I felt different. Then when I was around 14 I met some people who really changed my life and I think they honestly saved my life. They helped me realise myself not by doing anything specific but by just being themselves and embracing me. They helped me be open even when I was so scared. I went to my first ever pride (Exmouth pride in Devon) with them and I was so utterly scared that someone I knew from outside that group of friends might see me but they helped me to enjoy myself and it’ll always be such a treasured memory of mine. The first person I came out to that wasn’t also part of the lgbt+ community was one of my best mates when we were 16 and I can say that it thankfully went unbelievably well. Since then I’ve come out to a lot more people then I ever thought I would at this point in my life. It’s thanks to such incredible representation in the media such as wayhaught that have helped me come to terms with who I am and I can finally feel comfortable with who I am and who I love. It’s a process and I’m still learning, about myself as I tell more and more people. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be heading to university feeling happy and content if it weren’t for people like you Dominique Who have such courage to stand up and be themselves so to you and everyone in the lgbt+ community I say thank you and to those still struggling, it gets better I promise, so much better.

Lesbian

Not much of a story, but have always felt different in a way. And when I tried dating a boy it felt so wrong. I’ve never felt those feelings you are supposed to feel when I was with a guy but would be attracted to woman or at that stage girls, and would only feel the butterflies with them.
Because of the way I grew up and the kind of people my family were I didn’t want to accept it and couldn’t accept what I was. Found my sell falling deeper and deeper into a hole and losing myself. When my sister found out, she was supportive and helped me thru it. Finally learned to accept who I was and when I did I felt tons lighter
It was a struggle and still learning what this all is but now I don’t apologize for who I am.

Coming out. What does that really mean?

Coming out. What does that term really mean? I don’t think anyone should have to “come out” you should just be who you are. When I was a kid liking girls didn’t really phase me. I was a “tom boy” per say but I liked to wear jeans and play baseball. I mean I can hang with the boys even if I was a girl. It wasn’t until I was in 9th grade that I really started to see that I liked girls as well as guys. I mean when you have a crush on Angel and Buffy, Pacey and Joey then you know you like both. It wasn’t something I talked about a lot. I had boy friends but dreamed of kissing a girl. It wasn’t until my 20’s when I actually did do that, kiss a girl and well I liked it. I come from a religious background so acting on these feelings weren’t on my mind. My church has since accepted the LGBTQ community which is great. After kissing my friend that was when it started to become real to me. She made me realize that it was OK to act on those feelings. Jump ahead a few years and I met a girl named Amanda. We were inseparable, we talked on the phone for hours and would hang out a lot. She was my co-worker so I would see her everyday. The kicker was, she had a boyfriend. The moment I realized that I was in love with her was the day she broke my heart. That day I will never forget. Her daughter loved me to death and thought the world of me. So loosing her as a friend was one of the worst days of my life. It has been over 10 years since that happened but to this day I truly believe that she started to feel something for me but got scared of that feeling, and the only way she knew how to handle it was to just cut off our friendship. I really believe that she was my soul mate because I had never had feelings for anyone like I did for her. The connection we had was like no other. I never acted on my feelings towards her because I didn’t want to loose our friendship. Since then I have stayed away from dating anyone serious because I didn’t want to be hurt like that again. After that happened I’ve only talked to guys because it felt safe for me. So going back to my first statement, what does “coming out” really mean. I guess you could say I just came out to all of you with this post. But I shouldn’t have to come out because love is love no matter who it is with. So here I am coming out to all of you that I am bisexual and I’m proud to say that.

No rainbow without the rain – Queer sunshine

My story isn’t the saddest or the most unique one to tell but it is my story. And in the LGBTQIA+ community it is all about representation, so here I go.

Lucky enough for me, when I first discovered that I liked girls it didn’t scare me or terrify me (at first). It was just the way I felt – I recognised it as a part of me, like an inherent puzzle piece of mine. I didn’t judge it as something that needed to be addressed or spoken about, rather, I didn’t think of it much. Almost like breathing: you breath without thinking – in and out – every day, every minute, everywhere. That’s how I felt about being interested in girls, it’s just a part of my nature.

I was about 13 years old. And part of why it came to me so easily, without struggling about what it may or may not mean, was due to the Russian band t.A.T.u. Okay, now, we all know it was for show, BUT and that is the important part: I felt represented, I felt like I wasn’t the only one, and even though it was a controversial topic back then, most people discussed it in a very open-minded way. The topic was present in the media. With 14 I had my first girlfriend, and my Dad was totally cool about it. We never needed to talk about it or address it any way – just like me, he never needed to wrap his head around it.

My mom, however, was different: She somehow suspected something, so she went snooping through my things and found a letter of my girlfriend at the time. It was after her telling me that she was disappointed in me, that no child of hers would behave in such a way that I realised being gay or being queer, or whatever label describes you best is maybe not just like breathing. It was the first time that I felt ashamed of myself, that I started thinking about what it meant to be different, that I didn’t feel accepted for who I am. It was within these struggles that I broke up with my girlfriend and that I didn’t have any kind of relationship for the longest of time.

After high school, I went abroad to Canada: learning about myself, working for the first time, living in a foreign country, speaking a different language, and just trying my best to find my authentic and true self. And it was the way people openly accepted me and my queer ways, that I understood that whatever I feel, whomever I feel something for is okay, is valid. I’ve never in my life encountered people who were more open-minded than Canadians, like ever! I’m forever grateful for my Canadian (host) family, for making me feel at ease with myself, for accepting me with all my queeriness.

Today I’m married to the most wonderful woman in the world, we are proud of our relationship and of our love. That doesn’t mean that we do not struggle anymore, or that everyone just accepts us. On the contrary, even though my mum was at our wedding, she does not accept us 100%, she still thinks that the way I live my life is wrong. BUT I know that nothing about love is ever wrong. I know that love and human beings can have a million different colors, and another million different shades of these colors – and that is beautiful. Maybe, just maybe, the more we are willing to stand up for ourselves, to be loud and proud, the more people see that, indeed, love is love, that this precious feeling, the truest of them all, is a wonderful thing and that instead of being ashamed of it we should embrace it with both arms as strong as we possibly can. And when there are moments – and we cannot deny that there are – when people do not accept us, say that homosexuality is a sin, call us names, then we must remember that it is exactly this rain that, together with our inner sun rays, becomes the world-encompassing rainbow we all want to see one day.

A badass graysexual lesbian

When I was younger, all my attempts at imagining myself marrying a man felt… off. So naturally I assumed that I just wasn’t someone who wanted to get married.
On my facebook account that I started at the age of 9 (dont arrest me) I had mistaken the sexuality question on the profile description as a question about what friends I would like to make. My facebook profile read “I am interested in girls” for everyone I know to see. I was 9 and had no clue what a lesbian was, but I certainly pretended to know when everyone at school started calling me that.

There were countless times where I would think to myself “the next boy who walks through the door will be my crush” just because I was so tired of my sister asking me if I had any crushes on the boys at school. In reality, I had no interest in them at all. In fact, I didn’t have any crushes on anyone and didn’t even feel attracted to people, which was very confusing and made me feel somehow defective.
Both of my sisters had relationships and crushes on guys and talked about how people were attractive but I just didn’t get it.

The first crush I had was in middle school, and it was my best friend. I still had no idea what was going on at that point, and only realized until it was too late and she had moved away. I put a lot of effort into research after that. By high school, I knew for sure that I was gay. Luckily at the school I attended, almost everyone in my friend group was part of the LGBTQ+ community and I even had the opportunity to join the LGBT club there! For the first time I felt seen by the people around me. There was no stress on coming out because we were all growing up with the same pressures and expectations that we hated. ‘Be normal’ ‘Be straight’ ‘Do what you’re told.’

My research also lead me to the asexuality spectrum. An infinite spectrum of the gray area of sexual libido on which I have come to fully recognize I will never find my exact place. However, knowing that my lack of sexual attraction was not some kind if mutation but instead just the way my brain worked was more than I could have ever asked for.
I felt safe to be who I was at school without the fear of being called names or being bullied for it (not to say I wasn’t bullied for other things, of course).

Coming out to my parents was not hard. For a while I felt bad or somehow inadequate because I didn’t have some tragic story, but then I realized that it was a fact that I should be greatful for.
My parents aren’t the only republicans in the world who are accepting of the LGBTQ+ community, but it is not common to positively associate those two things together.

I came out to my parents as graysexual the week after I did extensive research on it. It was a non-issue. My gayness, however, I kept hidden for four years.

Not because I purposefully hid it, though. Not once did I ever tell my parents “I like boys.” I never in my life wanted to ever have to LIE about who I was to anyone. They simply did not ask about my sexuality.
Except one day when I was 18, while I was sitting outside with my mom, she finally had the thought to ask if I liked boys at all.

I was nervous; caught completely off guard with the question I had never expected her to actually ask (despite the fact that she has previously asked about my gender identity and pronouns). Shakily, but nevertheless determined, I told her the truth.

“No, I’m gay.”

She seemed shocked at first, and asked me if I was serious (because sarcasm is a true commodity in my family). After I told her I was serious, she smiled, shook my hand, and said, “Alexa, play ‘I am Woman’.”
I distinctly remember the corner of my lips trembling anxiously as I tried to fight the smile that wanted to break out across my face. I had never been so open with my mother before about anything, and it was an odd feeling to feel accepted by her.
The rest of my family soon followed. My older sister thought I was joking and wasn’t paying attention the first five times I said it, so I had to grab her by the shoulders and say it directly in her face. She quickly hugged me and congratulated me then.
I told my dad, eldest sister, and her boyfriend all at the same time after hearing my sister’s boyfriend sing “I’m coming out”. I thought, why not? So I told them right then, and my sister said she already knew because she had seen all the gay shit I watch on my netflix account, haha.

I got hugs from all of them, and felt proud to be part of such an accepting family.

I did not know then that coming out was not an isolated experience. It is a constant task. A box that needs to be checked every time you make a friend. By the time I got to my third semester of college, I found I was tired. I wanted to see what it was like to not come out to friends for once.

Really long story short, I didn’t come out to a group of friends that I had incorporated myself into and I ended up accidentally going on a date with one of the guys who probably didn’t believe me when I told him that I’m gay. He then outted me to the entire group, and they proceeded to question if I really was a lesbian or if I just didnt want to date that guy.

It made me feel so inadequate. As if being a lesbian is some kind of last resort to get out of a bad date.

I started to feel very insecure about myself and after that incident I stopped hanging around those people, bought a ton of rainbow-themed clothes, and wore my rainbow bracelet obsessively for nearly a year. After that I never purposefully hid my sexuality again. I had seen the other side and the grass was putrid and yellow.

Due to some amazing friends and supportive family, I have become proud of who I am. I don’t hide anymore. I advocate for who I am and who I want to be. I get angry when things are unfair. I get sad when people are being hurt. I feel happy when I see part of who I am on TV more and more often as the years pass.

Other people have it a lot worse than me. Many of those people are my close friends, and it breaks my heart.

What my experiences have shown me is that I am lucky. Every day, I have people who support me and love me for who I am, and I am so damn grateful. I hope more than anything in the world that I am that person for someone else.

Caroline H.

Looking back to my primary school years I can remember having feelings towards girls, and crushes on female celebrities at the time, I went through secondary school with a boy who later briefly got engaged too, still suppressing any thoughts of girls, I started my first job at 17 and instantly was attracted to another member of staff who was married, after many months we started having a physical relationship, this was our first same sex relationship and it was like someone had finally released me, we stayed together for 5 years having a secret relationship until she ended it, I was 32 by then, after the initial heart break I started living my life to the full and over the next 17 years embarked on 4 serious relationships, although by this time I was out to all my friends and colleagues, I still hadn’t come out to my family, this was a decision I had made as my parents were elderly and in poor health and I felt telling them would be fir my benefit and probably detrimental to them, so at the age of 49 my dear mother passed away and the following year I met someone and I posted a photo of us on social media to let everyone else know! Although we’re no longer together I credit her for giving the confidence to do it and love being a gay lady out and proud.