Community Rainbow Waves

Carol S

I realized that I was different since I was little, when I fell in love with my roommate at age 7. Of course, I didn’t understand what that meant, but I knew I had something different. I grew up and my look to my friends was different from the look to my friends. When I got to the age to understand what was happening I repressed all this feeling. I started kissing the boys, buying posters of beautiful actors, talking about boys, trying to make me believe that I was not a lesbian. Because for the society in my time (today I am 37 years old), I was much more prejudiced, and still had my family, especially my mother, religious and very attached to children. I was afraid of hurting her.
At 15 I had my first homosexual experience. I kissed a girl. It was so strange, confusing but, at the same time, great. At that moment I realized that what I felt was for real! However, I still didn’t have the courage to take on myself or others! It was then that I plunged into religion! I participated in celebrations, prayer groups, youth groups, retreats, etc., to try to hide, oppress what I felt. It was a very big internal conflict, I suffered a lot at that time. Then I started to date a boy. It was only 6 months, then a girl appeared with whom I fell madly in love. I couldn’t resist! I stopped fighting a war that was already lost but I didn’t want to lose. I ended my relationship and we got involved. It was 4 wonderful years. Not so much with my mother! One day I went out to find my girlfriend and my mother went after me. I got a huge scare. She asked me if I liked women, I didn’t have the courage to say yes and said no. Until one day she asked me again and my heart filled with courage and I said yes. She said that I had not chosen to be a lesbian, that I simply felt attracted to women. That I did not want and never wanted to make her suffer.
At first it was very difficult, but little by little she realized how happy I was, how happy I am. I earned her and everyone in my family’s respect with great honor, dignity, wisdom and character. I love who I am and I don’t give up being happy to the detriment of anyone else!

Bisexual

To be honest, I think that in my entire life I’ve been attracted to boys and girls but I didn’t knew that was a thing, I even thought that was normal. While growing up I was forcing myself to only like boys because “that’s what normal girls do” but for me it didn’t feel right. In 2018 I started to like a girl in my class, I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help it, then I confessed myself to her and she didn’t feel the same but she was supporting me. Then I came out in social media and that’s how my mom found out that I was bisexual. She was mad at me, she thought that I was confused but in reality I’m not because I really like girls and boys and that’s who I am. Now in 2020 my mom still thinks I’m confused but my friends accept me as a bisexual girl. And that’s my story. I am OUT

Nicole

As a lesbian and apart of the LBGT community the question of “when did you know?” becomes a big one! I always think back on my journey and wonder “well did it start in elementary school.. was it middle.. or was it sophomore year of hs when I finally put it all together and said it out loud” will I ever be fully aware of when?? Probably not. I remember in elementary always wanting to be the “boy” character. For anyone who has seen High School Musical, I wanted to be Troy, at the time I didn’t have a reason why and I don’t even know now if I could explain it coming from that young of a mind. Then in middle school that was still the case and in the end of 7th going into 8th grade I was very depressed and did not tell anyone because in all honesty I thought “well I’m confused and unsure of my feelings, I always want to be the boy so I can be with a girl, do I need to be a boy??” And that was my thought process because growing up even just 5-10 years ago LGBT representation was not huge. And then I stumbled across an episode of Grey’s Anatomy while I was home sick and it happened to be the episode after the musical one where Callie Torres, Arizona Robbins, and Mark Sloan are starting to get ready to take Sophia (their daughter) home from the hospital and I was beyond confused. I couldn’t comprehend how they all 3 were the parents. Then time went on (that same school year) and at the end of 8th grade the season 9 (I believe) finale of Greys was airing and I saw previews for it and was so in awe and decided all summer before freshman year I was going to binge watch all 9 season of Grey’s Anatomy.. which I did! And I found “Calzona” through it all with heartbreak and happiness and just everything Shonda Rhimes throws at you. Anyways I finally saw my first actual representation of LGBT characters. High school started, I was less depressed after finally realizing I do not have to be a boy to be with a girl and I just laid low.. never really admitted to myself I was gay but I had inklings of it. Then sophomore year came around and 2 friends of mine (girls) told me they were dating and tbh the instant relief that washed over me was immensely powerful. I was so happy for them and just, that was the moment that clicked of “oh, this is okay.. it’s okay to feel this way”. Now my journey of getting to that point and coming out, some may say was easy. Which I will not fully disagree because I was never disowned or kicked out, but I was questioned and at times made to feel wrong. In high school I had people trying to out me.. to just get me to say it. I refused, besides a few close friends I did not come out until I had already graduated high school to avoid the stereotypes and looks and possible whispers. But when I did finally post a picture of my gf and I in one way or another “coming out to the world” I was happy. Finally happy in my own skin. Again was it horrible?? Of course not I feel blessed.. but was it amazing with no issues?? No it wasn’t, but that’s the beauty in it. I learned so much about myself from young elementary school Nicole to 21 year old Nicole who is in a happy and healthy almost 3 year relationship with my amazing girlfriend. I don’t want to be a cliche who says “it’ll get better” because for some it may not but what I want to get across is that, it’s okay to be yourself! People may judge or do things that you just can’t handle.. that’s normal and there are still haters who will think how you choose to spend your life is disgusting but in the end, however you choose to spend your life and whoever you choose to love.. as long as you’re happy, that really is all that matters.

Abigail, 24, Lesbian

I remember being in high school and finding it extremely difficult to find a connection with the opposite sex. I was pressured by societal norms and my own family to date men, as I know most women are. In my world, things were falling apart. I was bombarded with questions from my conscience: Why didn’t I feel like every other girl? Why couldn’t I feel something, anything for a man? I felt like something was wrong with me and I isolated myself. I spent a lot of time in the art room devoting myself completely to my work. I guess this was a way for me to get my stresses out and to ignore that part of myself that I was so confused about. I did eventually date men in high school, but I was confirming what I felt was real. It was around my senior year of high school that I realized what was going on. I found myself attracted to celebrities, but of the female type. Haha! And after finding my real self, I decided to go to prom…by myself. A bold move, yes, but one where I could be who I wanted to be. I remember standing in room waiting for the doors to open and my friends talking to me about why I was by myself. I told them that I was gay. My one friend who I didn’t know was listening turned and very loudly exclaimed, “You’re gay!?” Let me tell you that everyone in the senior class was there and turned towards me. My response? My cheeks turning red and my heart about to beat itself out of my chest. But then the craziest thing happened; everyone started coming up to me and hugging me and congratulating me. I have never felt more accepted in my life. After that moment, I finally felt ready to come out to my parents and the rest of my family. I told my mom first and I cried my heart out when I told her. She quickly leaned in and hugged me. This hug gave me comfort and relief. She told me that she did not care who I loved, as long as I was happy. This was the good part. My dad was not so happy, with the familiar statement of, “It’s just a phase.” To those who will be reading this, I tell you now that it is not a phase. Be true to yourself and always pursue happiness no matter how many obstacles you find standing in your way. Now to continue, I will let you know that the journey with the rest of my family was difficult, but over time, they started to see the true me. They accepted who I was and I cannot ask for more than that. It was also helpful that I started to find people out there like me. I knew I wasn’t alone. That is when I knew I was a part of this wonderful community of loving people with beautiful souls. We all know that love is love and we have all been through very dark moments. But it is not these moments that define us, it is how we react to them. Together we rise and fight against the hate. From the words of Mother Teresa: “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples.” So, let’s start the wave. Love you all, from an American soldier, a loving friend, a human – Abigail.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I identify as a lesbian – Content warning: this coming out story contains discussion and/or description of self-harming behaviour and suicide

I’ve always know since, I was a little girl that I was different from the rest. I would dress more masculine, play with boy toys, I just wanted to be like the boys so girls would like me. But then I realized the sad truth that people judged me for the way I looked I would see persons in the street staring, wondering what I was, if I was a girl or a boy and that really hurt me. When I was about 11 I changed everything because I just wanted to be “normal” I felt as though if I dressed the way society wanted me to and acted differently I would be accepted. So I did it and I was very unhappy but I just wanted to be normal in the eyes of everyone around me. I hid the fact that I was attracted to girls and started talking to guys. When I was 13 and had just at the time been accepted into an all girls high school everything came rushing back. I had hid it for so long and I could not anymore but I was so scared, I was petrified as to what my mother would think of me how she would view me if I told her.So again I tried to push them down way down. At this point I became depressed I lost heaps of weight because I couldn’t eat, I was constantly throwing up because the taught of being lesbian made me sick. I told my mom I was afraid if that the girls in the school were going to make me gay still hiding the fact that I knew I was a lesbian. Anytime a girl walked passed me I felt sick because I was attracted to her. I became so depressed that I was now suicidal, I got visions of the way I was going to end my life and that petrified me. SoI told my mom to take me to the doctor because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. Still I’m hiding now I’m age 14 I’m taken to a Psychiatrist Where I’m diagnosed with ocd from a young age i was also diagnosed with anxiety and adhd so for me I felt even more “abnormal”with this weigh of being a lesbian just poured onto my shoulders. I ended up having to move schools because I was so scared to go to school I was so depressed but I was also put on medication so it made me feel high I became happy again. But was still pushing down those feelings. I decided to date a boy and see how it went.I said to myself that if I did he would make me realize I was not gay. But In fact he did the exact opposite, every time he kissed me I would feel uncomfortable i wanted him to be a girl I just felt so disgusted when he touched me when he tried to arouse me send me pictures of his junk it never made me horny and I just wanted it to end so I broke up with him and started to take time for myself I entered a new school and met many amazing friends but they all talked about boys and I again felt so incredibly abnormal I got back together with my boyfriend and tried it again but I could not . I finally fucked it and let my feeling be I said to myself that I was the person making myself unhappy I was the one slowly mentally and physically killing myself and if I wanted to be happy I had to be me so I came out as a lesbian to my little sister she was my best fiend and she accepted me and that was all I wanted was acceptance and to be loved. I’m now aged 15. That year I met a girl at my school and i fell head over heals everything was so different I felt happy I did not feel appalled when she kissed me it felt amazing and I was myself and I was finally comfortable in my own skin. In October of last year I came out to my mom she was very confused because I did just have a boyfriend it took her awhile but I mean it could be worse and all that matters now is that I am happy I don’t give a single shit what people think of me and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I’m in a happy relationship with my girlfriend who helped me so much in realizing who I was I’m so proud of myself and how incredibly far I have come I’ll be 16 in a month and I can’t wait to continue my life just a year ago I wanted to end it but now I can’t wait to live it I’m Queer and I am proud of my sexuality

Lesbian

I know I was a lesbian at age 12. I didn’t come out til I was 26. I grew up in a catholic family and being gay was not ok. I hide my true self for many years because of it. I came out to a close friend one night over drinks while getting ready fir a singing contest. I will be forever grateful to her. She loved me for me and without judgment. My family didn’t handle my coming out well. They are not apart of my life because of who I am. I have been very lucky to have great friends and family of choice who love me. I also live in a city that is very accepting and has a large LGBTQ+ community. I work at a LGBTQ+ safe space coffee house and mentor young queers, loving and supporting them over coffee.

Human

I never thought about liking girls as more than friends until I saw it represented on TV a few years back (my first ship was calzona) and I thought “oH so that’s why I think SO MUCH about girls and what it would be like to hold their hands and kiss them” (I know, should’ve seen it coming).
A few months later I got enough courage to come out as a lesbian to my best friend at the time who was SO supportive. I slowly started coming out to my step-brother and my dad, both of whom took it well and were so supportive. I wrote my mom a letter, and though she seemed okay with it, she later told me not to tell anyone and offered to get me a therapist if I wanted to talk about it. To this day, four years later, we still haven’t talked about it again. Since then, we have not had such a good relationship, mostly because I was already so afraid of disappointing her and not being the daughter she wanted, which I am not, as I have been told by her and, as much as it hurts, I still try to have a good relationship with her, because she is my mother.

I barely had to “come out” after that, it was mostly people already noticing I was into girls or me just casually talking about how cute a girl was, and, luckily, I have never had any bad reaction, except for one of my “friends” who was really weirded out and frequently made me feel like the “odd one out”.
In the past year I have had to “come out” again though, since I no longer identify as a lesbian, I do not feel comfortable with any label right now and that’s okay. I do not need a label.

Lesbian (experimenting with the idea of the term queer)

I realised I was a lesbian right after ending my first ever “relationship” (with a boy). Because of the lack of lesbian representation on the media, SPECIALLY in Spain (where I’m from and live), I never really knew that that was and option. It wasn’t until I was 14 or 15 that first week after the breakup that I started watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. I instantly knew that was me I was watching on the screen. For the first time I didn’t feel like I was broken and unable to love or be loved.

I came out to my cousin via a song I found on YouTube months after (cringy… I am fully aware) A year later I came out to my grandma, which was my everything at the time, and the response couldn’t have been worse. It pushed me back into the closet for another 6 months. After I gathered the courage I came out through text to my mom, dad and two older brothers. They were all amazing at the time but apparently either my cousin or my grandma had told the entire family months before.

They were extremely disappointed in me and honestly it hasn’t been easy at all. My family has one of the most toxic dynamics I’ve ever seen.

I’m just happy I have found peace and comfort knowing exactly who I am and what I stand for.

Hoping to move out in a couple of years to NY and pursue my filmmaking career.

Can’t wait to see what the world has planned for this ragging homosexual to be honest.

Sending my love to anyone that needs it, you are not alone.

Lesbian

I have known as this community and knew I was a lesbian since I was a teenager at 16 years old, but I was still scared to come out and talk about it because I grew as a catholic from my dad’s side of the family since I was born and feel more different than besides being normal like them. 3 years later, I was in college and decided to come out 5 people months before I came out to the media. This coming april 2020 will be 8 year anniversary and through my ups/downs after coming out never gives me up to love what I want to be and my message to Dominique is to congratulate for finding a better path of what you want to be and always be yourself! #loveislove