Community Rainbow Waves

I am Queer AF!

I honestly don’t remember when I knew I was queer. I struggled a lot to suppress my “queer thoughts” because I grew up with a very religious mother. I was always told “gays go to hell,” “being gay is a sin.” My mother always put that mentality in my head and I started to believe that for a while.

I guess it was the end of middle school or the start of high school when I started to develop feeling for girls. I was so confused. I was like “what is wrong with me?” “I shouldn’t have these feelings, God make them stop.” I remember watching Pretty Little Liars and watching how open Emily was about her sexuality and it was awesome to see a female character to open and proud. I used to go to my room and talk to myself and saw “God please get these thoughts out of my head, I can’t be gay.” I had that mentality of thinking being gay is wrong, so I tried my hardest to suppress those thoughts.

Then in junior year of high school, I cut my hair and had an undercut and rocked that hairstyle lol. I honestly didn’t give a fuck about what other people thought, I had my haircut and was really confident. I later started to understand that being gay was okay. I didn’t have to hide my feelings. I came out to my sisters friend for by writing her a message and having her read because I couldn’t say that words out loud. I started crying when she was reading it, and she told me it was okay and she didn’t think differently of me. I wave of relief washed over me. Then a few days later I came out to my two sisters the same way, I wrote them a ”letter” in notes, and had them read it in front of me. They told me that they already had a feeling I was gay. But still love me the same way. Then a week or two later, I told my brother, again the same way lol. He as well told me he loves me not matter what.

The only person I haven’t told is my mother. Oh boy, I have no idea how to approach the situation. She’s still very religious and I have no idea how she will react.

As of now, I realized that I am Queer. I’m not just gay anymore. I like all human beings. I used to think that I only liked girls but I kinda also like some guys, not all, just some lol.

I am not afraid to be my true authentic self. One day I will come out to my mom and when that day comes I will be prepared and willing to tell her the truth about myself.

Living QUEER without FEAR. I’m Jes.

They say your childhood years should be the best years of your life–little to no responsibilities, innocent friendships and frequent laughter. My story, however, veered into less blissful territory.

I moved in with my father at age 6, which is where the memory of my childhood began. I was happy there. My father, then on his second marriage, seemed to finally be stable. My step mother seemed to be a wonderful woman who really stepped up to raise a growing little girl she had only just met.

A year later, my brother moved in, and my father and step mother tried to establish as much normalcy as possible. We spent time together, going to the beach and playing games. What we didn’t see was the complete unraveling of their marriage happening right before us. My parents efficiently and completely sheltered us from their inevitable demise.

After the divorce, we moved many times. Which of course resulted in different school systems, and different homes, the worst of which were without electricity. Eventually, my father made the decision to move us closer to his family halfway across the country, to the panhandle of Oklahoma. It was there, a year later, where he found the woman who would become his third wife. And as a result, our life settled.

At age 11, my whole world changed into daily physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, by people who were supposed to be safe. Let me be clear that my father has never, aside from punishment, abused or hurt me. But he also profoundly failed to protect me.

At 13, I realized what attraction meant, and recognized I wasn’t like the other girls in my small town. Each of them had boyfriends and crushes, while I secretly daydreamed about the girls I liked. Like many young gays, I tried to date boys to distract or convince my brain I was “normal.” I hid the pain of my abuse and my homosexuality from everyone. I wrestled and struggled with the abuse and my complicated differences for another year, until finally, I was removed from my father’s care, and placed with my grandparents.

It truly felt like a crushing weight was lifted off my chest. It felt like my life had just started. But also, I was broken. I was on a train of tragedy, headed straight for derailment with no idea how to slow myself down. So, in an attempt to have any excuse to run away or escape, I came out to my grandparents. Having already endured what I believed was the worst life could have dealt, I shared my secret with them. To my surprise, I didn’t need to run. They hugged me, loved me, and accepted every part of me. I was finally free. Free from abuse, and free from my prison of secrecy.

I am a queer woman.
I identify as a lesbian.
I have a beautiful family.
I am stronger now than my 13 year old self would ever believe I could be–and I am strong because of what I survived in my childhood.

-Jes.

#OutIsTheNewIn

I identify myself as a loving human being.

I knew from a very young age, maybe 5 or 6 that I was attracted to women in the most innocent of ways but drawn to women nonetheless. I was different than most girls that had surrounded me, all I was able to comprehend was that I was different. Even at such a young age, I felt that that was a part of me that needed to be masked.
I carried on with life slowly realizing and coming to terms with my sexuality. Yet still, suppressing a part of me that got harder and harder to suppress.
I was 21 when I came out to family and the few people I am closest to. I am grateful every single day for them, being as lovely as they were and are about it.
It’s beautiful to realize that you’re beautiful too.
I just know now that this story never really ends, it’s just gets easier to tell.

My Journey 10 Years Later

I had a feeling I was different many years ago but I did not realize what was different or how I was different form the rest of the people in my class. In 2010, I started develop feelings for a girl and the whole thing made me confused, scared and I had no idea who to open up to about this. At the time I was living in a very conservative country and it was taboo to talk about anything related to the LGBTQ+ (times have changed and the country is a little more understanding now). Since I had no one, I tried opening up to someone I considered my best friend. However, nothing prepared me for happened on March 23rd 2010.

At the time I was still figuring out myself and trying to navigate the feelings I was having but on that day I was outed to my entire class. It was scary because I was not ready to admit to a group of people that I am gay, I was not yet ready to accept it myself. It was all new to me and possibly my biggest secret was out there in the open now. That day I locked away my emotions, built my walls up high and distanced myself from a lot of people. 5 years later I was joining university and leaving the bad memories of high school behind. I desperately needed it as I knew I needed to start fresh and discover myself in a different environment where I wasn’t going to be judged for who I am.

I made new friends but it took me nearly a year to open up to them and show them what kind of person I am. With their unconditional support and patience with me, I started breaking down my walls, showing my emotions, communicating more and most of all, accepting myself for who I am. When I first came out to one of my friends, I was beyond scared because I only had memories of March 23rd but her response was different and she valued my privacy knowing I was still building myself back up again.

10 years on, I have made peace with the events that happened that day but it will always stick with me. Reflecting back I know it made be become more confident in my own skin as well as overall. It made me learn to understand different people and how they cope with different things. It helped me help close friends who are questioning themselves and ask me what my story is.

No one should ever be outed or forced to out themselves when they aren’t ready. It is a journey of discovering yourself and I am still on that journey learning new things about myself. I am proud of where I have reached so far from 2010 and I am proud of who I am.

Naney

Aquí vamos, siempre supe que me atraían tanto las mujeres como hombres, es decir si siento algo por una persona no me detengo a pensar en el género, eso sobra, pero igual me percate que tengo tendencia mas hacia las mujeres, que como lo supe? desde que tengo uso de razón incluso en las películas de dibujos animados me atraían mas las mujeres jaja chusco pero cierto, en algún punto de mi adolescencia me dije a mi misma que no quería ocultarme al menos no con mis padres, cuando tenia 15 años decidí dar el paso y hablar con ambos aunque lo hice por separado, gracias al universo por la familia que tengo pues no todo es color de rosa, mis padres me aceptaron y me hicieron saber que no era ninguna enfermedad y que lo que sea que me hiciera feliz, a ellos por ende igual los haría felices, a veces pienso que a pesar de que ya pasaron 15 años desde que me abrí a mi realidad aun mi mamá siente algún tipo de aversión, nunca me lo ha dicho pero tal vez sigue en el camino de la aceptación, mi papá es un sol e incluso tengo la confianza de hablar con el de las chicas, como dije he tenido algún novio hombre pero mi familia sabe que es mas probable que llegue con alguna chica, y como también lo dije no todo fue lindo pues, a pesar de que mis padres me dieron su total apoyo desde el principio, mi hermana con la que he convivido más, al principio me hizo ver una realidad muy cruel llena de humillaciones y de asco por el solo hecho de que a yo no veía la vida de la misma forma en la que ella quería que la viera, eso ya fue, al pasar de los años lo comprendió e incluso es una buena confidente cuando llego a necesitar sus consejos, recién me pregunto un compañero de trabajo que soy? Entonces me quede pensando, es acaso obligatorio que llevemos una tarjeta de presentación indicando si nos gusta una cosa u otra? Porque a pesar de que sé que no tenia ninguna obligación de contestarle incluso me sentí intimidada al punto de pensar si mentiría en mi respuesta solo por seguir siendo parte de una sociedad a veces inclusiva, otras no tanto o depende de la conveniencia según se dé? No esta no soy yo, ya han pasado 15 años como decía, que salí a ser yo misma sin miedos, sigue siendo difícil sin ninguna duda a pesar del tiempo que ha pasado el pensar en la señalización de la gente, pero siempre que algo trata de detenerme sé que tengo a mi familia de mi lado siempre apoyándome y ahora aun mas bendecida, los tengo a ustedes que igual se que de ahora en adelante siempre contaré con esta hermosa comunidad dispuesta a brindar solo amor sin juzgar quien soy o como me veo, entiendo mucho y admiro de sobremanera a Dom porque al abrirse ella comentó la parte de esos miedos de no encajar o ser juzgado, cariño, aquí tienes una legión dispuesta a respaldarte y deberías saber que de la misma forma en que tu nos has llenado de amor, de bondad, de gratitud y demás hermosos sentimientos, nosotros lo haremos de vuelta a ti, eres la persona mas hermosa, valiente llena de convicción y entereza que conozco, ese amor desinteresado que tienes por la vida, por el ecosistema, por nosotros, siempre te será multiplicado, comienza a disfrutar esta hermosa vida que tienes por delante ya sin ataduras, que a pesar de las adversidades, no hay placer más bello que vivir tu vida plena y libre, todos te amamos y siempre vamos a estar aquí para ti y para quien sea que lo necesite con el amor que nos has enseñado a repartir a los demás.

Dakota, cisgender, lesbian, she/her

I grew up in a small country town in South Carolina. I was always a tomboy, playing with the boys, playing sports and loved getting dirty. I always felt different from everyone, especially girls, and I never understood why. In high school, I had thoughts that maybe I was gay but never understood the term because I never had any representation. Dating guys never worked out so I just assumed I was a broken human. I ended up going to college at a small school in the Northeast and played college softball. One of my teammates was basically like you’re gay and that’s how I pretty much came out to myself. Then the process of coming out to all my friends (they were all great and knew before I did). My favorite thing about college was the ability to discover myself: how I dressed, acted, etc and how comfortable I was. I did discover the pain that comes with heartbreak during my 4 years of undergrad. The struggle of discovering your sexuality at a later age means facing the trial and errors of dating as an adult (confusion, awkwardness). I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time (lol). The hardest person I had to come out to was my dad (at 23) and I still feel like I have to pretend to be someone different around him. It’s a long and hard process. Everyday, I feel like I am discovering something new about myself. It’s definitely tough being a woman who likes the same gender but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Hopefully, one day I can find the love of my life and show her how amazing life can be. It hasn’t been the easiest for me in the 25 years I’ve been alive but if you believe, it can only go up from here.

Gay

I guess I started questioning my sexuality when I was 10, I’d experimented with girls and was just very confused. I didn’t know what it meant to like girls, but some part of me, did. As I grew up, my friends would ask me if I was bi, because they’d noticed how I looked at our vice principal, who happened to be a woman. I denied it. I denied liking anyone, until I met my boyfriend. He was my safety net. No one really questioned me anymore, because I had a boyfriend, so pretty much everyone just assumed I was straight, except the few people who knew. *Coughs* The girls I’d been with behind closed doors, and my therapist. When I was 15, my therapist outed me as bisexual to my mother, I was terrified because I grew up in a very closed-minded, judgmental, “Christian” “family”. Being too scared to tell the truth, I chickened out and said I was bi. This came with more questions, mainly from my mother. “I thought you liked boys, you have a boyfriend”. Then came the shame. “It’s a sin, you’ll go to hell”. And at the time, I didn’t know better, and wasn’t taught better, so I believed it. I believed I was going to go to hell, if I was myself. If I liked anyone but boys. So I tried. I tried to like boys for as long as I could. I dated boys. In secret, I also dated girls. I didn’t know how to stop how I felt, I was so confused. I was too sheltered and didn’t have any guidance or anyone to talk to about these feelings, until I discovered the TV show South Of Nowhere, in 2005. I was still 15, and didn’t have much supervision at night when my mom was at work, so I could watch whatever I wanted on TV. South Of Nowhere is a show about a girl very much like me, came from a very closed-minded, “Christian” family. She met a girl and started questioning everything. Ironically, the same character that made her question everything, made my brain go crazy. I’d liked this character way more than what was considered “normal”. I started deep diving into my thoughts and feelings with every new episode, and slowly, eventually I started realizing who and what I was. The show had a bunch of different perspectives so it really helped guide me to figure out what MY beliefs and opinions were. By the end of the series, 5ish years later, I had finally admitted it to myself. I had to come out to myself first. I was gay. There was guilt, I was still ashamed of who I was. It took a few years for me to be okay with who and what I was, but eventually I was. When I was about 20 my mom and I were in a heated argument about gay and transgender people, and she made me pretty upset so I told her that she was hurting my feelings because I’m one of the people she was being so hateful towards, she didn’t really understand and sort of just blew it off, didn’t really say anything. About a year later, when I was 21, the same argument happened, again. (We’d had a lot of those arguments). And again, I told her she was hurting me because I was gay. This time, she heard me.

My name is Hope, and I’m an out and proud, gay woman.

Carolina, 20, just trying to find out who I am.

Since I was 15 years old I thought there was something wrong with me. I never had a boyfriend in my life and it always made me wonder if there was really anything wrong with me. All the people around me were getting into relationships and I was still alone, because no one interested me or was not attracted to anyone (especially boys, which was the idea of ​​what I liked at the time). I started to question if I really liked boys or if girls attracted me more, but by putting that idea in my mind I knew that there would be a lot of people talking about me and making jokes about it and then immediately exclude that idea from my head , forcing me to be attracted to boys or the idea of ​​being with boys.
When I was 18, there was a boy who became interested in me and I, convinced that I had to convince others around me that I liked boys, ended up being with him for a month without feeling anything. It was nothing more than a friendship, but I wanted to deceive myself.
I spent the worst 4 years of my life hiding the pain I felt at not knowing what was wrong with me or who I was. It was the worst years I’ve ever had. I was lost, aimless, without anyone.
When I was 19, when I went to college, I completely changed my group of friends and started to get along with a lot of people from the LGBT + community and from then on I started feeling confident to start discovering who I am and I started to feel a little happier. I think that realizing that those people would never exclude me if I liked girls, made me start to question who I really like. I started to open up by talking to some people and clearly that I was attracted to girls. But I also continued to be attracted to some boys. And it was then that I realized that I could be bisexual. It was a difficult year, with many ups and downs, to discover who I am. My family has always given me the opportunity to like whoever I want, nothing would change with them if I liked girls and that made my life easier.
Nowadays, I still don’t really know what I am. I like boys and girls and that’s for sure. But, deep down, I think I like people for what they are and not for their gender. Therefore, I consider myself a path to my happiness and I just let love speak for itself.
My next step will be to come out to everyone who likes me for who I am and then to come out to the world. And when I find a way to do it, I’m sure I’ll be much happier.

Im a girl that likes girls… but i don’t know how to label myself

Bisexual

I accepted within myself that I was apart of the LGBT+ community in late middle school. I’ve always known I was attracted to the same gender, but when I was younger I expressed it as an appreciation for women before I was able to understand how I really felt about both men and women. I denied it for years as there are a few VERY vivid memories I have of people assuming I was lesbian before I even knew what I was. I guess these traumatizing moments can really hinder a person’s ability to be open up about themselves, but I finally met a girl in my junior year of high school that didn’t make me want to hide anymore, and she happened to be the first person I ever came out to and the first girl I dated. I became comfortable with myself, with my sexuality, and with living my honest truth from there on. Having other LGBT friends has made me feel accepted and sharing my inner thoughts have reaffirmed a feeling of validity. I don’t feel the need to share a coming out story in mass viewing on social media, but I know I can freely express myself to new people and not feel judged. I struggled with family acceptance for a short while as my older brother is completely gay and my parents always knew and easily accepted him when he came out, but they weren’t expecting their second child, their daughter, to be LGBT as well and so when it was my time, I did not receive the same enthusiasm. It took about half a year for my parents to settle into this reality of mine, but in the end they love their children no matter who my brother or I love. Coming out to friends was easier, most of them weren’t surprised, but they were very supporting and I am always thankful for the love I continue to receive from those even after sharing the part of myself that I’m always most anxious about. Love is love.