I knew I truly liked girls at the age of fifteen (I’m a 28-year-old woman now). How did I know? Well.. I was looking at my favourite poster.. and there she was, Avril Lavigne was pinned on my bedroom wall and there was me thinking “f*ck. I’m in love with you and how the hell are we going to meet?”. Don’t judge me.. come on! I was young and she was a hot skater girl! (she still is hehe). Anyways, that is how my story started.
I can’t complain because I’m aware of how lucky I’ve been during the process. To start, I came along with a girl in high school (just friends) who told me she was lesbian so she had to face the barrage of questions I threw out to her (bless her) to make sure that I wasn’t going through a “phase” of feeling homosexual. She helped me a lot. My dilema in that moment of my life was that I felt attracted to boys as well as girls so.. was I bisexual? Interestingly, I couldn’t imagine myself having a long-term relationship with a boy but I had really romantic ideas when thinking of girls.. (I’ve done spectacular romantic things by the way). I tried to find a label capable to represent me but I couldn’t so I honestly thought; “What the hell, the “label” is ME and if you don’t like it you know where the door is”.
I think that is the point of all this. From my experience, you attract your fears. There is a simple and real personal example (you are allowed to laugh, I know it is a bit ridiculous). I have selacophobia (shark phobia). Okay, I wanted to sound intellectual so I looked up the proper noun and I just pooped myself because there were pictures of sharks next to the definition (not funny). Anyways, due to my selacophobia I see sharks everywhere; people wearing shirts with sharks stumped on them, TV advertisements where in order to sell pills they show a shark swimming (why?? I mean..why??), and a large etc. This situation can be extrapolated to all of your life experiences. If you are scared of people because you think they may be judging you just because you are not “traditional” you will come across with people thinking that way. You have the power to attract whatever you want so be yourself. Mum told me once something really wise; “When you discuss something in front of an audience, 50% of them will agree with you and the other 50% won’t. Therefore, be yourself and you will be surrounded by those thinking the same as you do”.
Going back to the thread of the conversation, there is an important topic to be discussed; Parents. Here comes when everything got complicated. I experienced two very different reactions (my parents are not together).
Conversation with my dad:
(In the car. He was driving.)
Me: Daddy.
My dad: Tell me.
Me: I’ve got to tell you something important.
My dad: What is it?
Me: … yeah well…
My dad: …
Me: You like women, do you?
My dad: Yes. Why?
Me: Me too.
My dad: Oh. And are you happy?
Me: I really am.
My dad: Me too then.
(Simple and easy. Men style.)
On the other hand, it was completely different with mum. She caught me sneaking out with a girl (everyone knows mothers have superpowers). It was a difficult time for both of us. She loves me so much that she was scared of me being hurt. From her life experiences she knows that there are violent people whose ideals are completely radical regarding the freedom of love. I remember my mum crying in front of me, apologising because deep inside her she wanted to accept the situation without shame, she wanted to understand me but she couldn’t. Seeing your mum hurting that much breaks you heart into million pieces. Then I realised what I had to do. If I wanted her to truly accept me, I had to accept that she needed to fit all that emotions into her heart and I had to comprehend her worries so I told her that it was okay, that we would make it through no matter how long it would take. Time did its job though and now she is completely okay with it so do not give up on people! Everyone has their own odyssey so try to not rush others’ processes.
I know it is hard and sad thinking someday your parents will be gone, that friends come and go but there you are. You’ve got yourself and that is forever. You have to take care of your heart and soul. Good news are that the sooner you do it, the sooner will come the day you will get up and realise how strong and authentic you’ve become. And I’m sure that people around you will be there because they love see you being you.
Hope it helps!