Community Rainbow Waves

Noah, just a boy in a world who doesn’t see him as such

My whole life I’ve known I wasn’t like all the other girls I was friends with, everyday I felt as though there was something in the back of my mind telling me something was off. From a young age, I had always been more of a masculine person, and while yes, any gender can be masculine, I don’t think most little girls wanted to be a boy, be seen as a boy, as badly as I did. But the fact was that I had not been armed with the words that I could’ve used to express myself just yet, living in a religious and very conservative home does that sometimes.

So, when I was about 11 or 12, I met a friend of mine who identified as a lesbian, a word I wasn’t familar with and part of a world I had yet to discover. With her by my side, we figured that world out together, and from that point on, I identified as a lesbian, or as gay rather, because I hated that word for what I now realize was me hating the femininity that goes along with it, while gay was more gender neutral. But back then, I simply didn’t use that word for reasons I didn’t know.

Fast forward to my freshman year of high school, the year I was the most depressed and anxious I had ever been. I was so numb and tired all the time that I was even distancing myself from friends who had been supporting me my whole life. But then I figured out why. It was because I was unhappy with how I look, how I sound, how tall I am, all of that and it was eating away at me.

Before I knew it, I was watching a YouTuber named MilesMcKenna, a trans FtM youtuber who shared stories of his experiences as a trans man and his transition and… I had never felt more at home. I thought about what it would be like to transition into a guy both medically and socially and I smiled a real smile for the first time in a while. And that’s when I knew I wasn’t a girl, I was and have always been a boy who didn’t have the language to put to how I felt, but now I do.

I am Noah. I am trans FtM and I’m proud of who I am, even if only a handful of people in my life know right now. What matters is that I know, what matters is I’m truly, finally, happy.

Un día a la vez!!!

Creo que siempre supe quien era y me daba miedo aceptarlo. Fue después de mucho tiempo que me atrajo una mujer, ahí me di cuenta que no podía seguir mintiendome.

Mi familia es católica, me daba miedo decirle, ya saben por lo de Adán y Eva, sus prejuicios y de lo que pensara los demás.
Sin embargo me aceptaron de una forma tan natural que creo que la única que no sabía de mi situación era yo. Jajaja
En fin, la primer chica me rompió el corazón, resulta que solo estaba experimentando conmigo .
Y no fue ni la primera vez, ni la última, de eso estoy segura.
Por qué no tengo miedo de aprender y cada experiencia que he tenido en mi vida me a convertido en lo que soy.
Una mujer responsable,sincera, honesta, trato de hacer un mundo mejor, no haciendo daños a los demás, creo que con eso es suficiente.
Tengo un alma vieja, de esas que no se entrometen en la vida de los demás y que sabe estar bien, con la situación que deba vivir.
Si estas pasando por un mal momento, recuerda vivir un día a la vez, un día bien y al otro día mejor…

Just me

I always knew I was different from a young age but thought it was just retaliation to my upbringing. I never really addressed it and choose to just keep pushing it away until my early teens hit and I coped using alcohol as a defence, and continued to date boys/men (most of my partners were older than me).
When I was around in my early teens, I can’t quite remember the exact age, I told my mum at a party I was gay….the result was not great as now it was gossip and my father who I had just recently met came and told me I was not gay. For fear of acceptance, which is all I ever wanted, I recanted my declaration and continued to live my life as “normal”. Gossip was always abound and I wanted to protect my family from it.
Life went on with its usual trials and tribulations until I made the decision to move away, I was in my mid 30s. Being away from my small home town gave me a sense of freedom that I’d always wanted but I had suppressed so much of my life already that it was still difficult to admit my true feelings.
I am now a couple of months from turning 40 and in the last five years I have met so many people from all walks of life and I have realised that I can be who I want to be!
Even though the subject is still kind of brushed under the carpet back home I am proud to say that my family continue to be my rock and reason for doing all that I do now. I want to teach my nieces and nephew especially that you don’t have to fear anything in life no matter what it is, a fear of flying or whatever.
I have followed Dom for about a year now just purely because she is so pure and true and that really is an inspiration to know that everyone is different and can still conquer the world.
Thank you
I would like to end by saying that I am far from perfect but I am me and that is that.
I love my and friends unconditionally,
This is the first time my story is going beyond them.
Peace out peeps

Pansexual

Hi there mates, my name is Iris and I am pansexual. Whew, that’s really the first time I’ve ever written that out. I am sixteen years old but knew my identity since seventh grade. I never really saw anyone in the media I could relate to, until these past couple of years. Someone I really look up to is Natasha Negovanlis, a pansexual actress. I feel like labels are so pushed on people that it’s difficult to identify with one because there’s so much pressure to do so. I definitely relate to bisexuality but I don’t want to limit myself by identifying with it and excluding the possibility of being with someone who identifies as non-binary or not in the gender spectrum of “male” and “female”. I know this is the age when people brush things off by saying that “its a phase” or “you’re just confused”. I’m not. I know who I am but I also know that if I choose to be just that there’s going to be a lot of backlash. I live in Tennessee, the south. Here, anyone identifying with the LGBTQIA+ community is unheard of. I almost came out to my best friend. Until I heard her say that someone called her a lesbian (as a joke) and she became very offended. I remember her exact words. “Ew, someone called me a lesbian… I know it’s a joke, but that’s like, super offensive”. I am open about standing up for the LGBTQIA+ community and everyone I know mocks me for it. The people, who I thought were my friends, make fun of the community on a daily basis in front of my face because they know it makes me angry and uncomfortable. I don’t really feel the need to have this big “coming out” because honestly, who I choose to be with, is no one’s damn business but my own. My closest friends are always asking me “what are you” and “seriously dude, if you like girls you need to tell me”. Does it matter? What difference would it make? My best friend calls me D*ke instead of using my real name because she thinks it’s funny. I don’t care about being called that, but derogatory phrases are offensive to the community and I have told her multiple times not to say them. I feel like I’m in this corner trapped by people who whisper about me like I’m some kind of circus animal. My girl friends are worried that “I have a crush on them” and feel uncomfortable around me. I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS?? Anyway, I do honestly think that I want to move somewhere else when I am older to a place which does accept me. I’m looking at colleges in Canada and really hope I can create my own community. CHOOSE my family. People who don’t squirm when I mention that, YES, I AM QUEER. There’s so much beauty in that community that I truly wish to celebrate openly some day. I WILL come out once I find the right people to come out to. Even if it takes a few years, I know it’ll be worth it because surrounding yourself by people who unconditionally love you is irreplaceable. I want to say thank you so much to those who support, and are apart of, the queer community, I really look up to you and hope to find those who are like you some day.

Well I don’t really know… if i’m gay or bisexual

When i was 13, i played truth or dare with some friends, and i had to kiss a girl. And then i knew it, because i feel it inside of me. I feel like … a big strenght inside me. And two years after, I had my first girlfriend, but we were hidding ourselves. And when i arrived to high school i discovered new peoples, some where gays, most of them were straight. But i wasn’t alone anymore. And today i’m still confused about who i’m attracted. My family doesn’t know about my sexuality, i’m just not ready to be out. My friends know that i love girls, and they’re fine with it.
But i had some period where being lost was very hard to live. Now i’m cool with it, i just took the time to accept the fact that i’m confused.
Clara (a french girl)

Kind-dorky-lesbian-queer-gay

Looking back (on my *very* old and *very* cringe-worthy social media) it seems like I should have known that something was up WAY EARLIER. I always felt more drawn to girls -be that in real life or in characters of books and movies- found them to be more interesting, enticing and mysterious. Beautiful. Next to them my brain equated men with dull, boring and uninteresting. Mind you I value men and I am lucky to say I have some incredible guy-friends and always had them throughout my life. I also grew up in a very openminded and accepting family so my inhibitions and repression truly came from ‚society’. Never in my dreams would I have thought that I would be gay! Where would that thought have come from. I just always thought I wasn’t into relationships. (This is what a heteronormative society does to queer folk!) Turns out I am actually interested in love -what a surprise that was. But my period of self-reflection would never have started had it not been for positive representation in the media I consumed. Most notably Carmilla and Emily Andras’ work on Lost Girl (and later Wynonna Earp) played a big role in that. There were more but non as impactful.
So then I knew. Well I suspected. Then debated with myself for a few weeks and THEN finally I knew. Honestly that was the hardest part for me. The coming to terms with myself. Guess there must have been more internalized issues there than I would have thought possible. Then I told my two best friends -old school style- via actual physical letters I sent them. They were great and I knew they would be. Then came what I like to call my ‚closet-Phase’. It wasn’t long but it was hella awkward. I soon told my sisters and then a few days later I blurted our my truth over lunch to my parents. Not the most graceful move but effective. At this point I would have thought there was no possible way for me to be more openly queer. (I’m talking RAINBOWS EVERYWHERE.) Still I continuously came out to more people in my life. Some were surprised some already knew. Some came out to me in turn as well. On the anniversary of coming out to my besties I got a rainbow tattoo on my ankle. Now I wear a rainbow necklace I was gifted that same year and have never taken off since. My earrings, piercings and watch-band are rainbow. Still some people need to be told. I feel like I will never be done ‚Coming Out’ but I am happy and proud to do it. For all the people who can’t yet themselves live their truth.

Kimberly, Cisgender, Lesbian, she/her

I first realized I might be gay when I was in middle school, though it was not something I was ready to accept. I have always been a tomboy, and was very aware of gender growing up. While I had an incredibly supportive family and felt that I could live my life without limiting myself to what society had dictated someone of my gender should do, there were times when it was incredibly stressful. I avoided using public restrooms for fear of someone thinking I was a boy and trying to kick me out, I hated when activities were separated based on gender and even lost a friend because he thought I was a boy until we were separated in an activity, and I had another friend tell me he wouldn’t believe I was a girl until I had boobs. Despite all of this, I never changed how I dressed or the activities I was involved in until I thought I might be gay. I felt I was different enough as it was, I did not want to add the stress of being gay on top of everything else. My greatest fear through high school and college was that someone would think I was gay and I wouldn’t be able to deny it. I successfully avoided any formal events in middle school, but in high school I started wearing dresses for the first time since my parents dressed me as a very young kid. I avoided any physical contact with women and didn’t allow myself to get too close to any woman for fear of developing serious feelings I couldn’t deny. In the moment, I didn’t think too much about it, but reflecting back, it was pretty horrible. This lasted until my senior year in college, when my best friend started breaking down all of my barriers. She started hugging me, holding my hand, and cuddling, and for the first time I realized how touch starved I had been. This was great, but also super confusing. I had never had a super close friend or a partner and I did not know how to interpret my feelings for her. She was also in a relationship with a man and was pretty vocal about being straight. Eventually I just had to accept that I had fallen in love with her, and this helped me to start on my journey to accepting my sexuality. It was not until the next year, after we had moved in together and had been living with each other for a couple of months, that I finally felt ready to come out. I told my family first, and they were amazing, and then I told my best friend, who was also amazing. I thought that after I came out, everything would just fall into place, which did not happen. It has been almost 2 years since I came out, and I have struggled a lot. I spent the majority of my life trying to convince myself I wasn’t gay and the deep sense of shame, fear, and anxiety that I had been living with doesn’t just disappear. But I have also grown a lot in those two years. The shame, fear, and anxiety don’t rear their heads as much anymore, and I am starting to get to a point where I can actually have pride in who I am. I even told my best friend that the reason I came out was that I had fallen in love with her, which is something I had been hiding for so long and was a huge relief when I finally released it. There is still room to grow, but I am incredibly happy with where I am now, and for the first time in my life I feel like I can love who I truly am.

Lonely gay in the closest !

I think I’ve always known I preferred girls to boys from a very young age, but didn’t know I was gay until October of 2019 (I’m 16 btw) when I was around 10 I remember seeing a girl in my school who was a few years older than me and thinking “wow her boyfriend is lucky” that’s the earliest memory I have of that. Except for the obvious early signs of always wanting to be the boy when my friends and I played games, and obsessing over girl bands. When I was 12/13 I became infatuated with female celebrities, at the time I thought I just wanted to be them, but of course then I began to imagine myself being with them. But I just thought I felt that way because they were just ‘celebrity crushes’ that everyone had. I never really had any crushes on boys, but I’d pretend I did just to fit in. I’ve never kissed anyone because well I knew if I did it would have to be a boy since well no one knows I’m gay.

Now here’s the good part. I never realized that I was gay because like I said I only had crushes on celebrities…until October 2019 when I began to crush on a girl in my class. I still remember the exact moment, I had made some joke with her in class and she started to laugh, and her smile was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I got an odd feeling in my stomach and my chest felt fluttery and I just froze. “You like her” kept repeating in my head. I went home that night and just sobbed (and I usually don’t cry) because I had realized that I was gay and didn’t want to accept it. It was so overwhelming. Well obviously a few months have passed now and I’ve tried to suppress my feelings for her (which have increased massively) but that hasn’t worked. So here I am, a 16 year old closeted gay, in love with her friend :/ yes no one knows I’m gay and I don’t know when I plan to come out. I’m really scared to but it’s people like Dom who make me feel less scared!! She has helped me massively, along with Kat and many other women. Watching them on Wynonna Earp and how normalized their relationship is really makes me feel at ease with myself, and in a sense makes me feel safe. Watching Dom, and especially reading her story makes me feel that little bit more comfortable with my TRUE self. And I’m so so thankful for that, so that’s my story I guess 🙂

Bisexual

For me, it all started with a dream. I had a dream about my best friend when I was 15, and that was when I knew that I had deeper feelings for her. We ended up falling in love and having a relationship for almost two years. We chose to keep it a secret because we were so afraid of being judged by our family and friends. The secrecy ultimately led to our demise. In college, I started to tell people my story. Everyone struggles with their identity, but it’s even harder when you grew up in a community that has a negative view of who you truly are. When I stopped repressed who I was, I started living as my true self. Honestly, I was so surprised by the love and support I received from everyone. I told my family and have their full support. For me, I needed the love and acceptance of others to ultimately love myself. I am proudly bisexual! Being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is my superpower and has given me the ability to feel deep empathy towards others. I have learned to stop judging myself, which in turn made me stop judging others. Love always win.

Gay/queer

I knew I was apart of the lgbt community when I was 19 years old. I had crushes on boys in my early teens as I grew older my liking for girls come in, I hid that part of me in high school, growing up with hardly any representation made it so much harder to understand so I never really dated anyone from 15-20. I would spend my days hiding away watching gay content struggle to accept it.

Till Waverly came around in 2016 watching her I began accepting it for what it is, her coming out story made me feel like it was okay to be my weird bubbly guest/gay self that lead to me coming out. I’ve never been one for labels because I’m still unsure of my sexuality but I know who ever my heart belongs to they’ll simply get the best.

I came out to my sister about possibly liking girls, that night she went and told my parents. My mum confronted me about it to see if it was true or not so I was like yes. I grew up knowing it was okay because my parents are open minded, a few months later i then texted my mum saying I’m gay. In the end I’ve always believed labels are for bottles and that I don’t have to label myself.

Now at the age of 23, I’m happy with whom I am and my sexuality and that being me is beautiful an amazing an that I don’t need to change my way or liking for anyone.