Community Rainbow Waves

Queer

Even as a small child I knew I felt a strong need to be around certain girls and women. From friends to teachers to celebrities, I would always be drawn to a woman. In those days I just thought everyone felt that way. I knew it didn’t feel especially normal cause I never really saw it anywhere, but I just thought I really enjoyed certain people’s company or really wanted to be their best friend.

It wasn’t until I was 15 when I had my first experience with another girl. It was once again a thing where I naively thought we were just incredibly close and best friends. I knew I felt very strongly for her but I didn’t really make it a sexual thing. That is until she kissed me. Finally everything made sense. Experiences I had kissing and being close to boys never felt right. But just a kiss with this girl sent my heart racing. It all made perfect sense.

I didn’t grow up in a house where LGBTQ+ folks were a bad thing. We were just ignorant to the fact that they existed. I knew queer people and I was friends with them, but I know people would not be kind about them behind their back and they were always a salacious topic of gossip in my very small town. I didn’t want to be the odd one out. I was popular, I played sports, boys liked me, so I just kept this part of me to myself. It always helped that the girl I was infatuated with lived 40 minutes away in a different town. So my worlds never needed to collide.

While that aspect of my life was a roller coaster of feelings, I was good at compartmentalising it. I focused really hard on sports and really didn’t let the whispers of me possibly being a lesbian get in the way. I also still dated boys to keep the rumours at bay for the most part.

It wasn’t until I was 19, dating a different girl secretly, that I was sort of pushed out of the closet. My mom was making dinner one night and she out of nowhere asked if I was dating the girl I was always spending time with. All of my instincts told me to lie. Just say no like I always do and move on. But that evening I said yes. My mom without skipping a beat said “honey I’ve known since you were 10. Nothing is going to change. Now do you want spaghetti for dinner” and that was that. Truly the easiest coming out I could have ever imagined. I actually hold a bit of guilt about that because I know it’s so much harder for so many others. I want them to have friends and family who let them be authentically themselves.

While I came out as a teenager, I think now as a 33yr old I’m realising that sexuality is an ever changing thing. I always identified as a lesbian until 4 years ago when I was feeling attraction to men. Last year I dated a non binary person who made me once again reconfigure my orientation. I feel like queer is a great label that I feel comfortable and proud having. I have a beautiful partner and life really is magical despite all the really tough moments.

To coin a popular term, it really does get better.

Love, light and rainbows to you all

Just me

I always knew I was different from a young age but thought it was just retaliation to my upbringing. I never really addressed it and choose to just keep pushing it away until my early teens hit and I coped using alcohol as a defence, and continued to date boys/men (most of my partners were older than me).
When I was around in my early teens, I can’t quite remember the exact age, I told my mum at a party I was gay….the result was not great as now it was gossip and my father who I had just recently met came and told me I was not gay. For fear of acceptance, which is all I ever wanted, I recanted my declaration and continued to live my life as “normal”. Gossip was always abound and I wanted to protect my family from it.
Life went on with its usual trials and tribulations until I made the decision to move away, I was in my mid 30s. Being away from my small home town gave me a sense of freedom that I’d always wanted but I had suppressed so much of my life already that it was still difficult to admit my true feelings.
I am now a couple of months from turning 40 and in the last five years I have met so many people from all walks of life and I have realised that I can be who I want to be!
Even though the subject is still kind of brushed under the carpet back home I am proud to say that my family continue to be my rock and reason for doing all that I do now. I want to teach my nieces and nephew especially that you don’t have to fear anything in life no matter what it is, a fear of flying or whatever.
I have followed Dom for about a year now just purely because she is so pure and true and that really is an inspiration to know that everyone is different and can still conquer the world.
Thank you
I would like to end by saying that I am far from perfect but I am me and that is that.
I love my and friends unconditionally,
This is the first time my story is going beyond them.
Peace out peeps

Gay

I knew I was a part of the LGBTQIA+ when I was young, like- as young as 8. I just never knew what it all meant. My father being homophobic and being taught by him that it was wrong for like the same gender. I was confused. I first kissed a girl when I was around that age that led onto a lot more confusing thoughts and depression. I got diagnosed when I was 11. I moved far away from where my Dad lives and I started year 6. In year 7 I lost my virginity to a girl I don’t know the name of. I started smoking (cigarettes & weed) a lot. I came out to my Mum in Year 8 (last year) She just said okay. I was crying and she asked why I was crying. I couldn’t answer. My sister already knew and my brother wasn’t surprised. I cut my hair short earlier this year and when I told my Dads side of the family about they said ‘why?! You’ll look like a dyke!’ Which I just ignored. I am now in a relationship that I really care about and I’m not scared about being with her. Yeah, I still get bullied at School for being and openly gay 14 year old. But, at least I’m happy. Until the inevitable. She leaves. Which is what I’m most scared about right now. Everyone always leaves.

Queer / Lesbian

I think I was 14 when I realised that I was gay. I was watching “Dr House” and there was a kissing scene between two women. At that time I didn’t understand why I was so obsessed with it. I thought about it all the time. And then a few weeks later I discovered a TV show all about gay women. And then it clicked. The thing is at that time there were no representation at all. Of course I knew lesbian existed, but I didn’t know it could be me. It took me a few months to fully accept it, that I was that person. A year later, the day that I started to go out with my first girlfriend, I came out to my parents. I didn’t want to lie to them, it was important to me to be true to myself and to my family. I believe that I am very lucky because I came from a open minded, loving family so it was a relief to come out. I wish that every coming out story would be as peaceful and happy as mine. Love is love. And love is beautiful.

Gay (she/her)

Oh man. Where do I begin, how do I even begin. I’ll just keep it as short as I can, because there is things I can’t yet discuss. I’m 25 years old and I am a proud gay woman. I came out (if you can call it that) about 6 years ago. The way it came to be is not how I have planned it. Things happened to me that previous night and the following day set everything in motion. It was awful and I had no one to stand beside me. I was in a dark place, my family didn’t want to talk to me. I didn’t know what was going on around me. When I was young I’ve always known that I was different, that I like girls, not boys. I felt like the odd one, like the weird one. I have a crush on this girl but it can’t be right. Hell, I was so young, how did I know what all this meant? I had so many questions but no one to ask them to. It was hard and I felt like I was suffocating. My family at that point (I actually still don’t know if they changed their views) was completely against our community and what they’ve learned about me. I was told it was not the way I was raised, that I am the “black sheep”, like I was intoxicated by my friends, that they were a bad influence on me. There was a point that I thought I didn’t belong in this world anymore, that I could just end it all. I am in a relationship and they seem to accept it. I feel somewhat free, but also feel I’m not entirely myself yet. I’ve recently told my girlfriend of 5 years (and now you’re the second, third or fourth person to know the next part) that I think I feel like a man, but I don’t know what to make of it. Will people except it, will they expect me. Shit, what will my family say? I just want to be myself, and live a fearless life, with all the beautiful things I sometimes see this world has to offer.

So this is me, coming out again and coming out with something I’m not sure about.

Thank you for creating this space and thank you for making me feel so welcomed that I could share this without any hesitation.

A girl who loves loving girls

I was 12 when I realised that it wasn’t necessarily that I wanted to BE certain girls, but that I wanted to be WITH those girls. The first time I said the words out loud, it was to my dog…best friend I ever had and least judgemental soul I knew. Perfect way to start. The second time, I didn’t tell them, they told me? My childhood best friend. Girl noticed more than I gave her credit for. I’ll always remember the way she phrased it… ‘when are you gonna tell me who you love?’, it wasn’t forceful, the tone she used, it was knowing and full of warmth…I think we were 14. The relief I felt after that conversation left me physically shaking, I felt so free and determined. It only grew from there, I told my best friends, close friends, classmates and family. Not every reaction was good, but most of the people who loved me took the time to understand, now they’re more likely to shout it from the rooftops than I am. Some didn’t, but I’m hopeful they’ll come round. The most important thing for me, is that I am confident in who I am, and that I have an amazing group of people around me who love me, no matter what. I was in my first year of high school when I started to even entertain the idea I might be a lesbian, and I was terrified. Now, I’m 18 and just finished my first year of university. I am not afraid anymore, I’m just proud.

I am a survivor

If you had me write this several years ago this would have been a very different story. Come to think of it I did write that one.
But today is today and today I’m more myself then I have ever been.

You see in some ways I’ve been “tailoring” myself for years and not even just towards my sexuality. I have high functioning autism. As result I have a hard time connecting with others or come off more abrasive than others or not understanding social cues. For years I wore a mask pretending that wasn’t me. Pretending I wasn’t hurt by things and most of all pretending I fit in.

With that said. I was in college when I was first introduced to the idea that woman could like woman. And I say that because I was a super naive kid, never had boyfriend, never had the sex talk, never new what liking someone was. If I looked back today, like everyone I’d see the signs.

There was this woman, till this day she’s makes my head spin. She was gorgeous but didn’t exactly treat me right. But she was first one who told me what I was or might be a lesbian or bisexual. And that was first times I heard those words. And I knew I thought she was all that but also wasnt sure I didn’t like men.

It was around this time that two things happened that. I won’t go into great detail but I was sexual assualted and my mother told me that bisexuality didn’t exist. Needless to say I was probably at my lowest. And it would take me along time to finally accept two things. a. my mother was wrong and b. being assualted didn’t turn me gay.

I went thru living struggling and being a shadow of my true self for years. I had boyfriend. I didn’t feel comfortable. I liked another woman who again didn’t treat me right (you see the other pattern developing). Anyways, I graduated and came back home. Home to a life where I had to live with someone who didn’t believe in what I thought was my true self.

During this I really struggled keeping friendships, fitting in and not being hurt. I found a character on the tv and her actresses real life husbands band that started to turn things around for me. The day Alex Danvers came out was day I finally got myself. At least I thought I did. But in world where things are constantly changing that would change too. At that time, things like I never felt comfortable with being intimate (toward guys) and others as well.

The actress husband has a song about unmasking yourself. Written about their son with autism. And between these two things I was becoming ok with my reality. I had autism and I liked woman.

They were what held me together for a couple years there. Then there was the TimesUp movement which challenged my reality. I broke for first time since that challenging first year after. I had never delt with it. Deep down I still thought it was why I like woman (and why I forced myself to go dates with guys).

I found people and this actress who helped me realize the truth. And today if I think about I know it too. Man might make me uncomfortable but I liked that woman before this happened and it doesn’t mean I won’t like a man who understands.

It was around this time I found Wynonna Earp, At Clexacon. And I found a group of people willing to accept me for me. And tho it took couple more years to make into the Earper famdom I’m here and I stay (despite not always feeling like I fit in). Regardless thru Alex Danvers (and Maggie Sawyer and her actress who helps me be ok with my parents not accepting me) I met the wayhaught story and eventually the wynonna story.

And here we come to last year. The year where I really started to be my authentic queer self.
It was year of finding people who were ok without using a label. For awhile I thought had to fit in a box had to have label. Considering my hidden disability, being different was always how I was. We also live in a world where we are constantly told to be one way or the other. And I sill had a mother who didn’t quite understand.

However, when the actress who talked about not using a label at Clexacon on ComingOutPodcast was the moment I decided I could come out as pansexual, at the time I still wanted to fit in to box for my mother sake. And I came home from that I told my mother this was it was. Love is love. I’m going to like who I like.

It was until Kat came out and I had small conversation with her about it, that I really truly felt not using pansexual was the way to go for me. In her words, “let’s just love who we love cuz the world has bigger problems. “

And now with Dom coming out, being in love with “All humans” I’m even more sure of myself. Despite my mother telling me im only into girls to fit in. – see Maggie Sawyer’s line “I’m Already Good. “

Its been a rocky road. It’s been a long time coming, remember I said looking back I saw things. I always almost drawn to the woman I’m TV shows. Watching shows for woman. Yeah sure there was few man thrown in there. I remember a girl from high school, I’d always give her the jobro posters and looking back I had crush I wasn’t able comprehend. And that’s ok, I wasn’t ready. It would take abundance of factors and I wouldn’t change a part of it (I wish somethings didn’t happen but I wouldn’t be who I am today).

Just remember, as someone once told me, it’s ok not to know who you are.

Here goes one more time
Fuck Labels.
I love who I love.
Woman, Man.
White Black or Purple.
Gay, Straight.
Trans or Non Binary.
Be every color of the rainbow.
I too love ALL humans.

Bisexual however been with the same woman for 13 years

When I was 16 my BFF and I started an intimate journey together really seemed out of nowhere. We weren’t intimate all the way but one afternoon we were making out and I burst into tears saying over and over again ‘I don’t want to be gay OMG I don’t want to be gay’ it was quite the melt down. Very long story short I spent the next 20 years of my life in the closet hating myself when I was with a woman because I couldn’t be honest and out. Then hating myself more being with a man and being miserable inside. Eventually I figured it out and here I am 48 and in love with a wonderful lady. She’s my everything and I’m so glad I finally was brace enough to come out. My baby sister was who I told first and she was fine and herself is bisexual. Who knew. We could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world.

Long journey that was sometimes, very difficult and challenging and will likely continue to be so. However, after 20 years of being with person I love, I can be myself.

I think I have always known, but when from a small town with little diversity, you push the feelings aside until you are generally faced with an opportunity to understand more. Much like the founder, I have an appreciation for males and females but my soulmate and best friend happened to be female which all of a sudden made life a bit more challenging and amazing at the same time. I had to deal with an ex-husband, my daughter and family. Was not easy but after nearly 20 years, raising my daughter, having a son together and finding myself, I could not be happier. I am finally comfortable with who I am and always willing to help others do the same.

Queer/Gay

I live in a pretty open-minded country (gay marriage has been legalized in 2003), so being gay was something people were not ashamed of when I grew up. But as a kid, and even a teenager, even tho I’d heard of the word gay, I only pictured it as the big homosexual man stereotype, the “girly boy”. I didnt even think about girls being attracted to girls, or anything related to the LGBT community other than the “gay best friend”. I was the masculine girl, and Im pretty sure everybody but me knew I was queer. At 16 I discovered Fifth Harmony and I fell into the camren hole. My body was acting weird whenever Lauren Jauregui was singing, or just looking at my soul with her amazing eyes. Deep inside I knew it, and without even questioning myself, I kinda identified as bisexual. Not with that word, but I just knew I wouldnt just date guys in my life. Two years later I was in college, met my best friend. We talked a lot about sexuality, and she told me she was pansexual. The more we talked, the more I realized the queer part of me was not just a little attraction to Lauren Jauregui, it was important. I realized I’ve had real crushes on girls before. I came out to myself as bisexual (again, but for real this time). Then I dated this guy cause he liked me and I couldnt say no. But I had no feelings at all, not only cause we had nothing in common. I jumped from bi to bi into women af, to okay maybe Im gay, to fuck I dont know lets say Im queer. That summer I came out to my old school friends, and my parents. They were cool with it. They kinda knew already.
Now its two years later, Im a gay mess, I’m fuckin into girls, I still have no idea if Im into guys. I hate the word lesbian, even more in my mother tongue, cause I’ve only heard it from straight dumb perv men. I love the word queer, cause I dont feel the pressure to add an explanation to my sexuality, queer is the global term I needed. But gay fits me too tho, most of the time. I just wish the word queer was well known in the hetero world, cause dammit every single person i’ve came out to asked me what the hell was queer
To all my closeted queer folks in here: dont feel the pressure to label yourself, and please, take your time. I know being closeted hurts, and you will get out of it, but only when youre ready. Love from Belgium, one hell of an ally country.