Being queer is something I have always been. But before I discovered this gorgeous term, I just always said to myself, “I’m me, and that’s it”.
Before I knew I was gay, I didn’t know much about labels. Growing up, I never saw the benefits of placing myself into categories. It felt too forced as if I wasn’t given a choice in the matter.
Ever since I remember, I have always been drawn to women. When I was a child, I had no understanding of attraction but throughout these years, whenever I watched something on TV or socialised with others, it was other girls who I felt pulled towards.
Willow from Buffy, Root from Person of Interest to Rose from Doctor Who, I had multiple fangirl obsessions. But because of the society that we live in, heteronormativity dominated the classroom and playground.
All of the other girls appeared to only like boys whereas I only saw them as friends or even brothers. Amongst the confusion, I kept saying to myself, “well, I’m just me” and that’s okay. Yet I didn’t talk about my feelings to my family. I was too scared.
Skipping ahead to 2016, I was off to university and at this point, I knew more about the LGBTQ+ community and sexuality. But I still didn’t ask myself where I fit in the rainbow spectrum.
Looking back, I was in denial.
I kept remembering moments where I had friends who were boys. When they said they wanted to be my boyfriend, I knew in my gut that I never wanted it to happen. But then I thought, it might just be these boys you don’t like, you might like others
So as I got older, I remembered men that I had met at social gatherings and went through the same process. I tried to picture myself being intimate with them. It felt so wrong. But when I imagined the same scenario with another woman, I felt immense joy and happiness bubble up inside me. It felt so right and so beautiful.
Over time and with the help of some of my favourite fictional queer characters (thank you Willow Rosenberg and Alex Danvers), I felt ready to come out.
The first person I told was my amazing sister. I knew she wouldn’t have any difficulty accepting this part of me because she, in fact, already knew.
Apparently, I suck at keeping my queerness hidden. Which I am really proud of. Maybe even my younger self knew I didn’t need to be afraid.
So far, so good, my sister was supportive as any sibling could be. Next, were my friends but this felt more casual. There was no big announcement. When the right moment came along, I just said, “I only like women” or “Yep, I’m a lesbian”. Thankfully, I have wonderfully loving friends and some are also queer.
The two people I was felt most nervous to tell was my mum and grandma. We aren’t a religious family but they have made comments about queer folk in the past that has made me uncomfortable.
Regardless of my trepidation and fear, I knew I had to embrace my authenticity and start living for myself. So I sent my Mum a text. She said she didn’t know I was attracted to other women but that it didn’t matter. She didn’t love me any differently.
And my Nan, well, I never actually said to her, “I’m gay”. When I told her I had someone and her name was Sophie, she didn’t even bat an eyelid, she just carried on with her day. I love that response because that’s how I believe it should be. Being queer needs to be normalised in society. Why should we have to announce, “This is me, I am coming out.. as myself”.
It feels wrong to me that we should even have to reveal or announce our sexual or gender identity. I want to live in a world where people don’t fear difference but embrace and cherish it. Where we can be accepted and loved.
Since I came out, my life has been transformed and I fully accept that being queer is one of the most beautiful parts of myself. I am living authentically, with grace, gratitude, joy, compassion and empathy.
I believe when we live authentically, the Earth falls into balance and we become ONE with every being in the universe.
