Community Rainbow Waves

The Long Road To Acceptance

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT SELF-HARMING BEHAVIOUR.

It all started when I was 12 years old and I had my first experience with lesbian representation on tv. For some reason I couldn’t get it off my mind and I sat alone in my room wondering if it could be possible… could I be gay? The answer was clearly yes but my young, innocent self didn’t figure it out that easily. I went through the stages, denial, denial, oh she’s beautiful… wait, denial, denial, denial. At this time in the world the whole concept of LGBT+ was taboo and so separate from what is taught to us as ‘normal’ that I believed something was wrong with me. This couldn’t be happening to me. I was 12-13 years old and I already hated myself.

I then felt, that because I had discovered this aspect of me, I had to come out immediately. Isn’t that how it goes? I was pressured by a ‘friend’ to tell them my secret but the fear consumed me and I couldn’t do it. I now know it’s because I wasn’t ready but that didn’t matter to her and I wrote my secret on a small piece of paper in class. She opened it and class was over. I felt sick and terrified. That’s not where the note stopped and instead it made it’s way to someone else… Then you know how school is. The next day a lot of people knew. I don’t even know who did or didn’t to this day but at the time it felt as though my whole world knew and they were all staring at me. I lost all of my friends. I had no one. It made me feel dirty. I didn’t want this anymore.

I didn’t deal with this well at all or in a healthy way. I was cowering to the farthest corner of the closet trying to grasp onto the darkness with all of my strength. The same person that received my note first showed me how to take my fear, disgust, punishment out on myself physically. It didn’t help but I needed control over something because I was lost. The darkness of that closet spread to my life everywhere and I was very close to ending the darkness all together…

I made it, I’m not sure how, but I made it through school and at 16 years old I was free of those people and the label of being gay. So I left the label there and I pretended like I’d never even considered it to begin with. For another 3-4 years I lived in blindness of who I was and did everything I could to stop any thoughts of the past and the rainbow. To be honest, for a while it worked but was I happy? Was I comfortable? Did I deserve it? No absolutely not.
I started university, I got with guys. I got told I should be getting with guys. Does it feel like this for everyone? Maybe you aren’t supposed to really like it? I did not enjoy it but I was still covering my eyes and ears from anything other than what was expected. I guess I actually drank enough to dull my senses and not acknowledge what was really happening. Yes, my use of physical harm on myself moved to borderline alcoholism. I mean it is university after all. But this way of living helped me kiss who I wanted to kiss and be with who I wanted to without explaining myself almost. When you do kiss who you are meant to, I am telling you, it feels amazing and right and everything it should. Wait… can I actually do this? Look around, people here don’t care. No one cares. Yes, please be yourself. It feels too good not too.

Watch out, your rainbow is showing! Finally.

It doesn’t matter how I got here or how long it took. What matters is that I did. This is my journey. It is beautiful.

I managed to find my truth and even though it took counselling and a breakdown to grieve my straight self I am me and I found someone outstanding to love along the way.

I finally accept myself, the love of my support system which I am incredibly lucky to have and the love from myself. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy or it is always sunshine now but it is true and it is free. I still get looks when I hold my girlfriend’s hand in public. I still get approached by people when I decide to kiss her in public. I still don’t tell people I first meet about my sexuality because I don’t want to be judged. I still scout out any representation I can of LGBT+ content in media because we still don’t have enough (but thank you for what we do have, just don’t kill off all the lesbians please). However, I will take all of that because I also love this unique part of myself and I really bloody love love.

It is getting better and we are all in this together. I am thankful for my story and I am thankful for my gay.

So breathe, take your time, love yourself and make waves. You got this!

Love, Hannah.

#OUTISTHENEWIN

Pansexual

Hi there mates, my name is Iris and I am pansexual. Whew, that’s really the first time I’ve ever written that out. I am sixteen years old but knew my identity since seventh grade. I never really saw anyone in the media I could relate to, until these past couple of years. Someone I really look up to is Natasha Negovanlis, a pansexual actress. I feel like labels are so pushed on people that it’s difficult to identify with one because there’s so much pressure to do so. I definitely relate to bisexuality but I don’t want to limit myself by identifying with it and excluding the possibility of being with someone who identifies as non-binary or not in the gender spectrum of “male” and “female”. I know this is the age when people brush things off by saying that “its a phase” or “you’re just confused”. I’m not. I know who I am but I also know that if I choose to be just that there’s going to be a lot of backlash. I live in Tennessee, the south. Here, anyone identifying with the LGBTQIA+ community is unheard of. I almost came out to my best friend. Until I heard her say that someone called her a lesbian (as a joke) and she became very offended. I remember her exact words. “Ew, someone called me a lesbian… I know it’s a joke, but that’s like, super offensive”. I am open about standing up for the LGBTQIA+ community and everyone I know mocks me for it. The people, who I thought were my friends, make fun of the community on a daily basis in front of my face because they know it makes me angry and uncomfortable. I don’t really feel the need to have this big “coming out” because honestly, who I choose to be with, is no one’s damn business but my own. My closest friends are always asking me “what are you” and “seriously dude, if you like girls you need to tell me”. Does it matter? What difference would it make? My best friend calls me D*ke instead of using my real name because she thinks it’s funny. I don’t care about being called that, but derogatory phrases are offensive to the community and I have told her multiple times not to say them. I feel like I’m in this corner trapped by people who whisper about me like I’m some kind of circus animal. My girl friends are worried that “I have a crush on them” and feel uncomfortable around me. I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS?? Anyway, I do honestly think that I want to move somewhere else when I am older to a place which does accept me. I’m looking at colleges in Canada and really hope I can create my own community. CHOOSE my family. People who don’t squirm when I mention that, YES, I AM QUEER. There’s so much beauty in that community that I truly wish to celebrate openly some day. I WILL come out once I find the right people to come out to. Even if it takes a few years, I know it’ll be worth it because surrounding yourself by people who unconditionally love you is irreplaceable. I want to say thank you so much to those who support, and are apart of, the queer community, I really look up to you and hope to find those who are like you some day.

I identify myself as a lesbian

Deep down I knew I liked girls at a very young age; but I didn’t know that it was a normal thing…that it had a name for it. I was probably in preschool about five or so when I had my first crush. It was on one of the ladies that worked at my preschool. I remember being on the swings and her pushing me. And I remember thinking Oh my what is this feeling? I really like this girl. My little five year old self just confused not knowing what it was just let it be. Now going through elementary I had “crush’s” on a few boys thinking yeah I like boys. But now looking back on it I just wanted to be them because it was normal for them to like girls. I wanted to be “normal” so yeah I tried to like boys. In the fourth or third grade I was playing outside at recess when my older sister came up to me and introduced me to her girlfriend. I was confused and asked her what she meant so she explained. After doing so I had so many questions wondering is this okay? Is this normal? Is it wrong? What are people gonna say? Knowing more information then I did before on sexuality’s I still didn’t think anything of me liking the lady from preschool. So I kept thinking for some darn reason I like boys that I was straight. I guess I was scared of people judging me and that no one would want to be my friend. Then middle school came I was doing great, back with my old friends after moving schools for the millionth time. A few months in and then again I was going to a new school. Yep the new kid yet again like always most of the boys came rushing towards me to ask me out. As always I said no because I wasn’t really ready for any of that. So I’m in the sixth grade and I’m with my new foster family watching Camp Rock in the living room and then I see Demi Lovato. Thinking wow she’s amazing I want to be just like her. I admired her so much that I start to watch camp rock like all the time. Finally I realized omg I have a crush on Demi Lovato. Still scared of what people would think I told no one. Seventh grade came around and I had a crush on one of my best friends now. We weren’t friends at the time but we shared a friend so we hung out together at recess. Me being the flirtatious person I am started to doing things that I guess got people questioning. One day I heard from our friend that we shared that she was starting rumors about me being about me being a lesbian. I was very upset and even though it was true I denied it. I cried that night and prayed to be straight because I was scared of what others thought of me. Now when the eighth grade came I only told a few of my closest friends that I liked girls. When they found out they were very supportive and I was glad. Later towards the middle of eighth grade I hinted to my siblings and foster family that I wasn’t into boys. They eventually figured it out and were supportive as well. During the summer I kissed that best friend and a lot of people found out about it. I was nervous and people asked about my sexuality and I just told them I didn’t feel comfortable telling them. But then later on freshman year I told people. Now a junior in high school I’m proudly out, I mean I’m still a little anxious of telling people but I’m happy to be me. To live life and love who I want to because I know that there are others who support me and love me for who I am.

A gay stubborn sweetheart

When I was younger I had no idea that the LGBTQ+ community was even a thing, my family never spoke about it and I had never ever witnessed anything of the sort so I didn’t have a knowledgeable background on any of it. I had my first girlfriend at the age of 9 and it was due to the fact she had “forced” it upon me, she kept asking me out and so on. I guess that is where it started and baring in mind I had no idea, I genuinely thought that was normal like any other relationship.

Moving on to first year in secondary school (I was around 12) that was when I realised after doing a lot of research I found out that I was bisexual, I was fascinated by girls as there was just something different about them compared to boys. I told my best friend that I was bisexual and she was very very supportive of me and helped me a lot along the way. A couple months pass and I was starting to get confused, I was thinking “do I just like girls so could I be lesbian?”, I told my best friend and she still stayed supportive, a couple weeks pass and I told her I was bisexual again and that I must like boys.

A year passes and I move away from my hometown to the beautiful highlands and I met these wonderful people who helped me to see myself in a new way. We were out one night and they walked me home (baring in mind it was a new place so I wasnt to sure where to go) and they came out to me, it was such an incredible moment and experience for me. I felt safe so I came out to them that night also. Another year or so passes and I came out to my mum during a lunch break in school, which was just so out of the blue but at that moment I knew it needed to be done. There was fear as I could tell by her tone that she was not a fan of me liking girls. I got home and we talked about it and she told me I was confused because I wasnt of legal age (I must have been 14/15) assuming that since I couldn’t legally be “sexually active” I couldnt know if I liked girls or not. I found it wrong myself because I knew I wasnt confused and we never talked about it after that until I brought home my girlfriend at the time and introduced her to my mum, she was still rather “upset” I guess, I’m not sure how to describe it but she kinda took on board that this was who I was becoming. I told my dad later on in life from my mum (they split up and it was confusing times) and he understood wholeheartedly and loved me for who I am and has always tried to keep me happy and I couldnt be any more thankful to have him by my side.

I’m almost 20 now and I couldn’t be happier with my sexuality and I’m hoping that since when I came out to my mum till now she has gotten a better understanding that this me, this is who I am, this is who I want to be.

Don’t dream your life, live your dream!

I would never have believed that my childhood dream of becoming an actress, would lead me to reconsider my sexual orientation …

While I was looking for inspiration to play a crazy girl with a gun and a lesbian for audition scenes to try to get into a drama program, here Google offered me “Wynonna Earp”. After listening to a few excerpts, I was too intrigued to stop there … Something strange happened in me when I saw Wayhaught for the first time … My heart was racing and i wanted more. This new feeling had something euphoric and strange at the same time …

At the beginning, I rented the season one only for my auditions, always looking for inspiration to embody a romantic feeling that I have never felt. Then, from episode 2 to episode 9, while I realized more and more that I was not indifferent to Wayhaught, the famous scene of the first kiss made me realize that what was possible for Waverly was possible for me too … no matter what my family thought I was by the way I be or act …

It happened in January this year and I didn’t always go out, because I don’t think I should since we don’t have to define ourselves publicly by our sexual orientation … Maybe it is motivated by the fear of revealing myself … I am already disabled so what kind of strange person and actress I would be in the eyes of people if in addition to being a “Tomboy” physically disabled, I was queer …

If the path to full acceptance of myself is still under construction, I tell myself that publishing this rainbow wave is a good start!

Now that I have said everything to you, I return to look at Wynonna and Wayhaught … only as inspiration for my auditions.

Looking forward to being on your screen as a proud disabled actress and queer.

Simply Amy

I was 15 years old, but I guess I always knew, had my first kiss with a girl on a dare and it sparked something in me, my friends accepted me before I even accepted me. Spent years struggling with my sexuality identity and still do to this day, didn’t come out to my parents until I was 21 forced out the closet by my ex girlfriend, which I resent but same time grateful for, I’m open and I’m free and last year (age 28) I found the label pansexual which suits me, I love women cis gendered or not I love non binary and rarely but yes I do sometimes find myself attracted to men cis gendered or not. I’ve struggled with my gender but never really wanted to change my body and I still struggle with that identity. Sexuality and gender is fluid and I’m always going to be figuring that out but that’s ok…. I’m simply Amy and that’s ok too

To the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered

I was going to make up this fake encouraging story to help people in the closet see a story where the journey out isnt always painful and hard. But that’s not my truth. It’s time to stop being ashamed of my past and start being honest of my coming out. Or rather lack there of.

I was outed.

I was outed in a large scale, it could seem small to some but it felt like everything I knew was crashing down on me.

I’ve always been told I feel. I’m a feeler. I feel greatly and deeply. Everything goes in my ears and directly to my heart.

My parents always say they’re so proud I came out so young and not many can do such a thing, they deny their part in my “coming out”. I would do anything for love and affection to the point where I let them believe that’s how it went just for their praise. But this isn’t about them. It’s about me.

My story starts at 12 years old, in 7th grade at a new school. I had sunk so far into myself I’d pushed all my friends away because I thought this world didnt want me. I acted on those thoughts and tried to escape to no avail.

I spent a lot of time at home, watching shows and reading books because relating to the characters gave me a sense that I wasnt alone. Soon enough I’d stumbled upon a show that I’ll never forget, Wynonna Earp. Through that show I learned that girls could love other girls. I soon pondered if I’d felt those feelings aswell. Scared of my own thoughts I turned to my mother, “mom,” I’d said “I think I like girls. Romantically.”

She said I had time to figure it out.

The next thing I know I’m at my dads house he starts talking to me about what I told my mom, I cried myself to sleep that night, my trust so violated.

Soon all my siblings new, my dads new girlfriend too. I tried talking about it with a girl who I’d been best friends with the year before. Suddenly that popular girls at school knew everything. I was terrified in my deeply homophobic school.

That summer I went to a wedding away for a cousin of mine. We were having fun and talking at the rehearsal dinner out on the patio when my dad brought up the fact that I liked girls. Everyone looked at me as I immediately stood up and sprinted into the bushes, I didnt leave for hours sobbing even when it started pouring rain.

I’ve had more than just those experiences, and a few good ones after when I’d actually got to come out.

But even through all that pain, I came out stronger (no pun intended).

Now almost 3 years later I’m an out and proud lesbian, advocating for our community in the ways that I can. At 14 years old, I’ve planned and attended Queer Proms, Attend a Queer Youth Group, Had my own Billboard with a Queer relationship on it in Time Square, Planned a Queer Youth Trivia Night, started a Gender Sexuality Alliance, brought in a Queer Non Binary Public Speaker to educate my homophobic school how to have common decency, Helped all my friends come out, and so much more. I’m so proud of myself.

Ps. Dom I’m so proud of you!!

ELIAS

I now am a proud trans* man but the journey to get there has been rough. I remember always feeling like I wasn’t a straight cisgender girl, but I also remember thinking if I ignore it, it will go away.
At age 14 I first saw a lesbian couple on screen. That gave me so much representation and feeling like I wasn’t alone. It really motivated me to come out as gay.
Two years later or something I like that I stumbled upon my first ever representation of a trans* man and I was so shocked to learn that trans* man existed. That may have been like that, because (especially in german/Austrian media) they only show trans* woman and they mostly do it for the sole reason to mock the community so I wasn’t really fond of that.
At the time I saw a trans* man in media for the first time I thought to myself I may be gender queer. I identified as gender queer for two years, before I came to the conclusion, that I myself was a trans* man. I’ve been out and proud as a trans* man for a little less than two years now (July 2020) and it was the best decision I could have ever made. I feel so much more like myself.
And to make it easier for people who might feel the same way I am fighting for more trans* (especially trans* male) representation in the media. You are not alone!

Gay

I guess I started questioning my sexuality when I was 10, I’d experimented with girls and was just very confused. I didn’t know what it meant to like girls, but some part of me, did. As I grew up, my friends would ask me if I was bi, because they’d noticed how I looked at our vice principal, who happened to be a woman. I denied it. I denied liking anyone, until I met my boyfriend. He was my safety net. No one really questioned me anymore, because I had a boyfriend, so pretty much everyone just assumed I was straight, except the few people who knew. *Coughs* The girls I’d been with behind closed doors, and my therapist. When I was 15, my therapist outed me as bisexual to my mother, I was terrified because I grew up in a very closed-minded, judgmental, “Christian” “family”. Being too scared to tell the truth, I chickened out and said I was bi. This came with more questions, mainly from my mother. “I thought you liked boys, you have a boyfriend”. Then came the shame. “It’s a sin, you’ll go to hell”. And at the time, I didn’t know better, and wasn’t taught better, so I believed it. I believed I was going to go to hell, if I was myself. If I liked anyone but boys. So I tried. I tried to like boys for as long as I could. I dated boys. In secret, I also dated girls. I didn’t know how to stop how I felt, I was so confused. I was too sheltered and didn’t have any guidance or anyone to talk to about these feelings, until I discovered the TV show South Of Nowhere, in 2005. I was still 15, and didn’t have much supervision at night when my mom was at work, so I could watch whatever I wanted on TV. South Of Nowhere is a show about a girl very much like me, came from a very closed-minded, “Christian” family. She met a girl and started questioning everything. Ironically, the same character that made her question everything, made my brain go crazy. I’d liked this character way more than what was considered “normal”. I started deep diving into my thoughts and feelings with every new episode, and slowly, eventually I started realizing who and what I was. The show had a bunch of different perspectives so it really helped guide me to figure out what MY beliefs and opinions were. By the end of the series, 5ish years later, I had finally admitted it to myself. I had to come out to myself first. I was gay. There was guilt, I was still ashamed of who I was. It took a few years for me to be okay with who and what I was, but eventually I was. When I was about 20 my mom and I were in a heated argument about gay and transgender people, and she made me pretty upset so I told her that she was hurting my feelings because I’m one of the people she was being so hateful towards, she didn’t really understand and sort of just blew it off, didn’t really say anything. About a year later, when I was 21, the same argument happened, again. (We’d had a lot of those arguments). And again, I told her she was hurting me because I was gay. This time, she heard me.

My name is Hope, and I’m an out and proud, gay woman.

Part of the lgbtq+ community

I feel before we come out to other people, we always have to
come out to ourselves first. It took a few years for me to figure
everything out, acknowledge my queerness and accept myself. I can
somehow relate to Dominique. The lack of Bi and Pan representation kinda
made me think that you could either be gay or straight. I thought that
for a long time until i decided to use Mr. Google. My saviour. After
reading about all these sexualities and genders i was shocked tbh. And
then i wondered how many people knew about this. I was pretty sure my
friends and family didnt. I couldnt ask any help from anyone. I was 13.
My friends wouldnt know what to do, my parents probably would’ve asked
me why im thinking about all this and ask to forget about it, my brother
probably wouldnt have cared and my cousins, well i wasnt really close to
them back then as i am now. So yeah, i was alone. When i realised that i
wouldnt mind dating a girl, i told my best friend. Talking to her helped
me. But i was in denial. I couldnt accept that i probably liked girls. I
thought probably it was just a phase. Maybe im confused. Later i got
busy with school and just forgot about it. End of that year i went on a
group tour. Then i kinda had a crush on one of the girls. Took me a
while to realise it was a crush. And then all the questions came back.
“Do i like her? What is this feeling? Am i gay?” Then i was in denial
again. “I dont like her. Maybe i just think she is pretty. I cant like
girls. No way” Ever after the tour ended i kept thinking about the way i
felt about this girl. Then i took a trip down memory lane. Tried to
recall who i liked and whether i had a thing for girls. Looking back, i
did. But i just always used to tell myself that it was just envy. Then
one night i just sat in my room and i said out loud, “I like girls. But
im not gay cause i’ve had crushes on guys. So what does that make me?
Bisexual?”. That question was left unanswered until new years. After new
years i still couldnt accept the fact that i like girls. I used to sit
in church after mass ended and id ask God “why me? Out of all the people
in the world, why me? How could i feel this way?”. I later on realised i
was just scared because i knew that the lgbtq+ community has to deal
with hate and discrimination. I didnt want to go through that. I used to
be ashamed of myself. I guess you could also say i tried to “pray the
gay away”. Took me sometime to realised that its not my fault. I am who
i am and i need to love myself. I identified as bisexual at the
beginning, also came out to a few friends, my brother and one of my
cousins. But now i dont really WANT to put a label on my sexuality. Its
just confusing sometimes.

Anyway the internet helped me a lot in my coming out journey. Especially
instagram. So thank you to all the lgbtq+ accounts, the lgbtq+ celebs
who were brave to come out and even the actors who are allies and took a
role of an lgbtq+ character.

Hold up, im not done yet. Im turning 16 this year. Im still young and
got lots to learn about the world and myself. I still have to come out
to more people in the future and hopefully meet other queer people. So i
hope that we will have more lgbtq+ representation. Not only in Hollywood
but in other platforms i guess.
Thank you for your time.

Im proud of those who has come out
and those in the closet. Be strong and love yourselves.
Love ya

#outisthenewin