Community Rainbow Waves

Long journey that was sometimes, very difficult and challenging and will likely continue to be so. However, after 20 years of being with person I love, I can be myself.

I think I have always known, but when from a small town with little diversity, you push the feelings aside until you are generally faced with an opportunity to understand more. Much like the founder, I have an appreciation for males and females but my soulmate and best friend happened to be female which all of a sudden made life a bit more challenging and amazing at the same time. I had to deal with an ex-husband, my daughter and family. Was not easy but after nearly 20 years, raising my daughter, having a son together and finding myself, I could not be happier. I am finally comfortable with who I am and always willing to help others do the same.

I was a bird that can’t fly. Then sudden I met “love”. She gave me wings to fly high but yet scares me.

When I found love. I didnt say anything, I’m just action speak louder than words. I think everyone, no, not everyone notice what makes me happy. But I am glad i found love and Im lil bit scared because not everyone knows or accepted my imperfection. And that’s for being a Bi. So I am not totally out because I’m scared.

Queer all the way

I realised when I was 29. But this was a cognitive type of realising as my heart already knew for a long time. I grew up watching straight couples in movies and tv-shows. These were the characters the viewer was supposed to identify with. I tried dating men and everybody around me just assumed I was heterosexual. I dated men who I thought were intelligent, attractive and kind. But my heart always said NO. One day a bisexual woman told me about her journey. Her story liberated something inside of me. I opened up… to myself, to the world and to new ideas. How could I not have seen that I was into women all the time? Yes, I like girls! This is me!

Gay and proud (most of the time…)

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT SEXUAL ASSAULT.

I always had feelings for girls, probably from the age of 9, when I really fancied a girl in S club 7, when all my friends fancied J from Five! haha.
However I went to a school where the word gay was never even mentioned, I had no idea it existed or what it was. I don’t even think it was mentioned in sex ed. I kinda just left it at the back of my mind and didn’t hook up with a girl until I was 20, when I left to go travelling to Australia and walked passed Mardi Gras, which is the most amazing pride I have ever been to. This all started up my curiosity as I realised there were soooo many people who I could relate to, and kissing a girl for the first time felt amazing.
I used to think I was Bi, I didn’t ever think that I was a lesbian as nooo that can’t be me, I’m going to have a ‘normal’ life with a husband and children, however I have never actually enjoyed being with a man. My mum still thinks and hopes I am Bi. I have been sexually abused twice by men so she thinks that I am too scared to be with men, which could be true but it kind of hurts that she doesn’t just accept that I am gay. I now know I am just full on gay and that my past trauma has nothing to do with my sexuality. I was born gay, as was my brother and my cousin. We are all out to our families and friends (my best friend always knew I was gay, coming out to her was the most fantastic experience with the love she gave me) and my brother is marrying his partner when covid allows, I am hoping to find a date for the occasion who I can eventually marry myself and also maybe children 🙂
I know I am in an amazingly privileged position as I live in a country where being gay is celebrated, not condemned. I really hope over time that these countries will make it legal to be gay, there are some charities out there helping and I am trying to raise awareness of them.

Coming out. What does that really mean?

Coming out. What does that term really mean? I don’t think anyone should have to “come out” you should just be who you are. When I was a kid liking girls didn’t really phase me. I was a “tom boy” per say but I liked to wear jeans and play baseball. I mean I can hang with the boys even if I was a girl. It wasn’t until I was in 9th grade that I really started to see that I liked girls as well as guys. I mean when you have a crush on Angel and Buffy, Pacey and Joey then you know you like both. It wasn’t something I talked about a lot. I had boy friends but dreamed of kissing a girl. It wasn’t until my 20’s when I actually did do that, kiss a girl and well I liked it. I come from a religious background so acting on these feelings weren’t on my mind. My church has since accepted the LGBTQ community which is great. After kissing my friend that was when it started to become real to me. She made me realize that it was OK to act on those feelings. Jump ahead a few years and I met a girl named Amanda. We were inseparable, we talked on the phone for hours and would hang out a lot. She was my co-worker so I would see her everyday. The kicker was, she had a boyfriend. The moment I realized that I was in love with her was the day she broke my heart. That day I will never forget. Her daughter loved me to death and thought the world of me. So loosing her as a friend was one of the worst days of my life. It has been over 10 years since that happened but to this day I truly believe that she started to feel something for me but got scared of that feeling, and the only way she knew how to handle it was to just cut off our friendship. I really believe that she was my soul mate because I had never had feelings for anyone like I did for her. The connection we had was like no other. I never acted on my feelings towards her because I didn’t want to loose our friendship. Since then I have stayed away from dating anyone serious because I didn’t want to be hurt like that again. After that happened I’ve only talked to guys because it felt safe for me. So going back to my first statement, what does “coming out” really mean. I guess you could say I just came out to all of you with this post. But I shouldn’t have to come out because love is love no matter who it is with. So here I am coming out to all of you that I am bisexual and I’m proud to say that.

Luisa- CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT DEPRESSION

I had felt “different” from others since I was very very young, I didn’t necessarily understand that I liked girls but I knew I didn’t feel for boys the same way my friends felt for them.
Growing up, being gay didn’t even cross my mind until I was maybe in high school and all my friends had crushes and boyfriends and I felt pressured to have a crush. It never occurred to me that I had crushes because they were not boys. I felt like I needed to like boys so I “tricked” myself into thinking I did.
The fact that I had never seen or known any gay people or specifically any lesbians and the fact that I started listening to some homophobic things from my friends and family made it difficult for me to get in touch with this part of my identity. Deep down I always felt I wasn’t allowed to be myself and I didn’t want to tolerate that.
So fast forward, I graduated high school I moved from my home country of Colombia to Argentina, went to university there and started meeting so many different people from all walks of life, straight, gay, bi. People who accepted and loved me and made me feel safe and seen. The 4 years I lived in Argentina where some of the hardest years I’ve had yet. I was diagnosed with depression and was really struggling to find my voice. After many years of therapy and working on understanding myself I finally realized and accepted that the reason why I hadn’t had any romantic relationships with men wasn’t that I was unlovable or ugly or not girlfriend material but because I wasn’t attracted to men. I was 22.
I felt like the weight of the world had lifted off of my shoulders and I wanted everyone to know that I thought girls were beautiful. I came out right away, I felt like 22 years was enough time to hide this and feel ashamed, and I didn’t wanna do it anymore. I was lucky enough to have friends and family who opened their arms to this part of me and still loved me for all that I am.

My name is Luisa and I am a Lesbian. 🙂

Lesbian

Ive know I was apart of the LGBTQIA community from a very young age. Its been interesting trying to figure out who I am as a individual and how I identify. Growing up as a twin, had its own impacts which affected how I see myself in ways some people don’t understand. While coming to the realization that I was attracted to women, allowed me to have my own voice separate from my twin which was definitely something different. We were seen as one, like most twins are especially if they’re the same sex. But coming to the realization and coming out are two different situations. As well as realizing it and accept it. It was a struggle for me at first to accept it because no one asks to be “different” especially when people are hated for it in some places. My home situation was the best anyone could ask for but the people i grew up around weren’t the most open minded. In my case, I was petrified of what others would think rather than my family because I knew regardless my family would love me but would i still be the same person to the people who were my friends. The beliefs I had made me suppress the feelings for a while but then high school started. My high school experience gave me much anxiety during the first year because I had accepted it by then but i didn’t know if i was ready to be out. The first year of school forced me to be the best “straight” me, so i could connect with others, but not fully show the real me. At this time I was still suppressing a party of me regardless of what anyone said. Id get asked often if i was gay because i’m not the most feminine girl but i refused because the concept of talking about it was never there. My best friend at the time didnt even know and she would often try to get me to tell and it just didnt happen. I was genuinely terrified. Freshman year had just ended and I had been watching a lot of youtube videos on coming outs for inspiration. It had become so physically and mentally exhausting to be in the situation where i’m not being the full me, it felt like I was holding my breath most of the time. i wanted to be me but i couldn’t bring myself to do it so I told myself if my mom asked if i was gay i would just say yes and that would be that, but its not always so easy. My mom had asked multiple times between me maki the decision and me coming out because after a point it became obvious the I wanted to say something but nothing was coming out. Then fathers day came, we went to swim and I was sitting next to my mom in the pool just talking and then question came up. She asked me and I froze. I started to cry and shake my head. She was shocked that I had said yes after denying for so long but she was proud. She was the first person I had come out to, not even my twin sister. A couple minutes later I came out to my sister, then later that night my dad which was harder than I thought it was going to be. I had felt so much relief like a rock had been taken off my chest and it was the best thing i could ask for. They love and support me regardless and thats all I needed. In the next coming weeks I came out to my friends one by one. The deeper the relationship established I did it public while the once that were less intimate I did over text. Although I am out now, i still find it hard occasionally to come out to new people in my life. I don’t think it’ll completely go away but as of right now i’m comfortable with who i am enough to not let others make me feel invalided for who I love. In the fall, i’m starting college in tennessee on a full ride scholarship, and its going to be a ride coming out to my teammates and the other people I meet, but i’m ready for it. Essentially you’re coming out everyday to someone new and its just apart of being who I am and i fully accept that because Im proud of who I am and absolutely nothing will change that.

Bex

I am 32 years old and have been wanting to come out for a very long time but I still have yet to find the courage to do so. I live in a very small country (Malta) where everybody knows everyone and this makes it even harder for me because I know that not everyone is accepting. Looking back, I have been more drawn to girls from a very young age. My first memory is when I was about 8 years old and I had my first crush. It was all so very confusing for me because I was always taught that a woman should be with a man and vice versa. As I grew older I started learning more about what I was feeling but I could never share it with anyone. This made and still makes me feel very much alone. It also brings a lot of guilt with it because I am lying to everyone about who I really am.

Seeing what Dominique did on her birthday brought out so many emotions. Even though she is younger than me, she is such an inspiration and I wish I could have an ounce of the courage that she does.

I will keep trying to find the courage. I just wanted to share my story and show others that they are not alone if, like me, still have not managed to find their voice.

17, Bisexual girl i think?

I’ve been reading a lot of the waves that have been posted and my story is nothing compared to that, I don’t really have friends that I’ve had a crush or something. I mostly started figuring it all out through tv, I really started thinking about how much female crushes I have I cannot even think about them all and men are a few that I really find attractive.
It was 2016 when I started questioning myself deeply, I had found out my brother was gay and he was married and I didn’t even know because my dad didn’t want me to know because I guess he thought I would “turn out” gay too, which guess what dad? I am (i’m still not openly out, just 3 friends know and they have been the best about it) anyways going back to the story, I started asking myself if it was just because the actresses were just too beautiful and I wanted to be them or what, so yeah, I pushed it down saying I couldn’t like women because my parents would hate me or stuff like that (internalized homophobia is a thing and I hate it) then I would really started bringing out how hot and beautiful these girls were to a friend and obsessing over a relationship that wasn’t even real to her and she asked me and i was like yeah maybe i really don’t know and she was just really happy that I was even able to “confirm.” She really was the best and I think that if it wouldn’t have been for her I would be still pressing myself over being straight and just that. She was the OG knowing since 2017 I think I don’t really remember the exact year but anyways fast forward to this year. During quarantine I have been spending a lot of time with myself, thinking about a lot of stuff, really learning about the community and I have been having like fantasies about how would be my life if I was with a girl and I really see myself more than with a guy, not saying it wouldn’t happen but I just know I would not just be boys. The thing is that a part of my doesn’t “want” to be gay because my whole family is Catholic, like reaally into the religion, I don’t care about the “god doesn’t love you if you are gay” because I know he does, he has and always will if i keep myself close to him because he lives in my (just my opinion) but I just feel like my family wont accept the union of LGBTQ+ and God since they all are extremist (and when I say that, i’m not exaggerating) My dad has been homophobic to my brother and doesn’t really interact with my brother in law and since I am the only girl, that still can have children, (I have 2 siblings, both male, neither of them want kids and I do so) I feel like he would only focus in the women part and not think about the fact that he would still get grandchildren even if im gay or not. My mom its more “accepting” she does interact sometime with my brother in law but she is more religious than my father so I don’t know how she would take it. From my mom’s side I only have family that is extremists catholics or trump supporters which are a no no too. From my dad’s side I would have it easier but I still don’t know how they would take it.
Going back to the beginning of quarantine, I had a friend who was throwing hints or something through her facebook posts so I reached out to her and started also giving kind of hints even though at that time I still was pushing my bisexuality down, I was able to accept and say I was bi or thought and she started telling me about how she had accepted herself and stuff and that really helped me to really beginning accepting myself. Now 4 months later, all I just can say is thank you to literally all actresses out there, representing the LGBTQ+ community for helping me find myself as they also might be finding themselves or found through playing those characters although im still closeted, I feel like I have came out of my own shell.

Came Out at 30- CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT SUICIDE.

Where do I start ? My childhood. I was a quiet, shy and lonely girl, raised in the middle of two siblings so nobody cared about me. I was not old enough to be heard and not young enough to be understood. So I just did what I had to do : nice girl, be graduated, find a job and live with a man. Typical hetero-normal life until I met this woman at 28 years old. She was so beautiful, so gay, so engaged and so not interested by me. But it was too late I was hooked.
I spent so many sleepless nights asking myself why… not why this gorgeous unsensitive woman… no, why NOW ??? Why not 15 years earlier ? Why not with my Best friend ? Why at the worst moment of my life ? So many why-s for one obvious Because : because life is a constant challenge, it sucks, it is hard and complicated all the time. Life is such a journey, you don’t understand everything in the moment. Life is also full of joy and beautiful people if you know where to look.
And because of course you felt for other girls and women before but you didn’t know what it was…

A couple of years before I started to question about my sexuality, my cousin died. We grew up together, he was my other half, we were different and similar at the same time. I played sport, he played music. I teached him sport he teached me music. He was gay, I was straight. He killed himself. He could not stand to be different.
I spent all my energy to be angry, to feel guilty and sad, i was a wreck. With a useless boyfriend who thought I could grieve for one month and get back to normal. But normal never came back, I miss him every freakin’ minute, and I am about to meet a woman who will make a mess with my life.
I am still grieving and now I am gay ?? What’s next win the lottery and lose the ticket ?

“You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you” (Joseph Campbell) the sentence that changed my life. So I gave up my sooo booooring straight life to focus on me and only me. Life gave me the opportunity to meet bunch of people who really looked like the Earpers community. A safe, non-judging and very gay-friendly group with whom I travelled the world. I didn’t want to in the first place but I felt home with them and it was so gooooood !!!!! So good to finally speak to someone who listens.

I came out at 30 to my Best friend and she is still the best. I didn’t came out to my parents, my girlfriend did. She thought she was the one so obviously she made decisions for me. I kept my family but not her, she was so wrong !
My family agreed with only one sentence : “if it is your choice it is okay.” That was it, we never talk about the “room-mate” sensitive subject. It is taboo even if they truly think it is not.
I know it takes time to deal with it.