Community Rainbow Waves

I’m 19 years old and I still don’t really know what I identify or should identify as. I know that I’m into girls but I’m not sure about “the boy part” yet.

I started to realize that I liked girls a very long time ago, around the age of 12 maybe. Looking back I had thousands of girl crushes from movies or series which now makes it very obvious. I remember the day, the thought of being a lesbian crossed my mind. It was awful to me. I remember thinking I would rather live unhappily forever than telling anyone about my real feelings. Today I feel ashamed that I thought like that but I was young and scared. Years passed by and I tried to push my feelings away, kind of like Dom did. It took me forever to finally accept who I am, even though I still don’t know who I am because I don’t know how to label myself (I know I don’t have to). I’ve been into girls but I never been in love with a guy. I only feel attracted to some guys. That’s what confuses me a lot . I turned 19 over a week ago and still never told anyone about my sexuality and its personal struggles as well as fears. I often feel anxious and ask myself when I’m finally ready to talk about it. I don’t have answers to this. This right here is the first time writing about it and it feels very relieving . And I feel empowered after reading Dom’s message. Im so happy for her that she can finally be her true self and I can’t wait for the day that I can say this ,too. Until then I’ll wait and I’ll keep supporting the LGBTQIA+ Community as an “ally”. In addition to this, I want to encourage everyone who seems to be in a similar situation like I am, to be patient with yourself. Your days will come and you will shine. Keep fighting .You are beautiful!

Bisexual

I realized that I’m bisexual thanks to a girl I met on a friend’s birthday when I was 15 years old. When I saw she I felt something different from what I knew and well we started talking and that made me happy and at first I didn’t know why but after a month I realized who I was. I felt in love with this girl and it was the first and only time that I fell in love. I knew that I felt in love with this girl the same they that my heart broke because I saw her kissing with another girl but thanks to her I knew who I was.

I am a gay woman

For as long as I can remember I have always been attracted to girls. One of my breaking point was my first kiss in 2 grade with one of my guy best friends. I thought “EW” this is not want I want. I was young and did not understand the concept of being gay. So for years I hid that part of myself deep down inside until one day it decided to reappear, I was 14 years old. At this point in time I understood what it meant for girls to like girls. But I was afraid. I didn’t want people to think things about me. The stigma that stems from girls dressing “tomboy” means they are gay. Which was me. I have always worn boys clothes which I thought was normal! I grew up with 2 older brothers and always looked up to them! But then came in the bullies. I decided to repress my true identity again and again and again. Then years later we are finding ourselves in this unrealistic situation so bizarre, with our world so broken. But during these times I had time to ponder, ( and download TikTok which was also another breaking point in figuring out my sexuality). I finally realized that life is not to be taken for granted. We don’t know how long we have on this dying rock we call earth. So why spend it living it as someone else?

When I finally came out about 4 months ago, I felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. I could be finally be myself, proudly.

Proud Lesbian

My journey started at quite a young age, maybe around 10 years ago, I was only 13 years old. At that time the LGBTQ2IA+ was poorly represented in movies or TV shows. As the years went by these platforms as well as social media, were slowly starting to represent more of this community. The growth of these platform started to make me realize that maybe there was an explanation as to why I was « different » to others.

By the time I was 15, I had had 2 very small and insignificant relationships with boys. All my friends had serious relationship with their boyfriends and had even taken it a step further than just kissing. I felt like I was being left behind as I always felt scared and uncomfortable to take that next step. I couldn’t understand why I was so scared.

Watching many tv shows I would see more and more lesbian couples and felt like I was being more interested in their representations. I started thinking that there must have been a reason as to why I would be more interested in them and started to seriously question myself on my sexuality.

When I was 16, I knew I liked girls. I was sure of myself. Boys just did not interest me anymore. I was scared though, I had no friends that could understand what I was going through. I felt very alone in this judgy world, no one to share my secret with. Seeing all my friends obsess over who the « cute boy » of class or the school. I felt like I was just in the background just nodding from time to time to not expose myself.
One day I just decided to slowly start talking to my mom about me questioning my sexuality. I was still not confident enough to tell her the whole truth. I was so scared, not knowing how she would react, I was crying. She told me she would support and love me unconditionally no matter who I decided to be. I felt a bit relieved but still scared at how other people would react. I then left it at that and did not speak of it again for years, to her or anyone else.

2 year later, I was going to leave the nest, to go live in a different country. A few days before leaving, that’s when the question I was most dreading came out of my moms lips: « have you figured out who you want to be? ». With tears running down my face I admitted to her that I am a lesbian. She was proud of me and I really felt loved and supported. The hardest thing I ever had to do was finally out there but only my mom knew my secret.

When I moved to London I thought to myself, I’m in a new city, with new people and no one who knows me. So I decided I will be who I want to be and not tailor myself to be fake around people that I know would have judged me for who I am.
I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
I felt like I was living again.
I was HAPPY again.

A year later I came back home to France. And it was at that moment that my new world came crumbling around me. I found out that my mom had outed me to my entire family right after I had told her. For a whole year my family knew I am a lesbian but kept me in the dark. I felt ashamed and hurt to have my voice taken away from me in what was the hardest thing of my life. She did not do it to hurt me though, she just thought she was helping me.

I have never told this to anyone nor to her but I was extremely hurt by what she had decided to do with my big secret. 5 years later and it stills bugs me a lot. I did not have the chance to come out to my family when I felt like I was ready to. I felt exposed and vulnerable to what people would think about me. However I can not be mad at my mother as family has been very supportive of who I am. But I will always have that thought and feeling in the back of my mind of having been robbed of my freedom.

During so many years I was in a very bad place of my life. Feeling alone in this giant, toxic and hurtful world, not knowing who to turn to in the hardest moments, I was scared. Now that I am proudly out I see the world in such a different way. There are people out there who will hate you for being who you want because their mind has been tailored to think in a certain way. But the way I see the world now, is that in between these haters there are beautiful and amazing people who will love you for who YOU decide to be. There will always be someone out there to love you and support you in your hard times. I am so proud to be part of the LGBTQ2IA+ community, the love and support is incredible.
Love is love and no one should judge you for who you want to be.

Be Proud.
Be Kind.
Be Loving.

I am because we are, Marielle

I discovered myself bisexual when I was 11 years old, and I didn’t take long to accept myself but I accept myself is one thing but my mother is another, when I discovered myself I started to stop performing femininity and so I wouldn’t have to assume myself because I think the term is completely wrong but I understand what important it is, Throughout my adolescence it got worse until I was 14 years old when I was seriously dating a girl and my mother saw my cell phone and so she found out and then it was a huge wrong thing and I was thrown out of the house but they forced her to accept me inside the house, well 2 years ago this happened and as much as she says that everything is fine, I know and everyone knows that she hates the fact of my sexuality and treats me with contempt for it.

Anna, 28, Germany

My Coming Out was 2 years ago.

I noticed early that I not only liked boys, but also felt drawn to the girls. I quickly put those thoughts aside because I thought I was confused. I was in the middle of puberty.

The thoughts always came out over the years. But I still thought I was confused.

This was until I was 26 years old. Then I met her. She unexpectedly showed me what it means to be loved. She gave me love, security and acceptance. She gave me all of these things without expecting anything in return. She showed me what I wanted. WOMEN

My parents had probably suspected this longer. One day I was visiting them and before I could say something they asked me: “when do we get to know her?”

My parents and siblings have no problems with it. They want me to be me. I don’t need to pretend anymore. I live my life. This acceptance and appreciation of my family gives me support and strength for the future. Because I know I can always rely on them …

“Love is love. It doesn’t matter whether you are into a man or a woman. The main thing is that you are loved and accepted. And you feel good. We don’t want more.” This is a statement from my parents.

Bisexual

Growing up I was taught “God didn’t make us to be gay”, but now I’m an atheist so I say fuck the rules.

When I turned 14 I was met with the biggest challenge in my adolescent life ‘love’, I was told from a very young age that I will one day have my first crush and my first kiss with a boy I really like, but instead that ‘boy’ was changed into Rachel Lewis, a girl in my grade who stole my pens and my heart, she helped me accept a part of me I never thought I would and that was the fact that I was queer.

Rachel was a pretty toxic person to have a crush on, she played with my head, was super bipolar and ignored me for no reason other than the fact that she was bored. But even though she was a condescending bitch, a really pretty condescending bitch might I add, when we were talking about how we were in love with our English teacher every bad thing she had done just disappeared.

When I was 14, I assumed I was a lesbian, because of my lack of interest in boys at the time and my love for Katie McGrath, but then I later realized that……

I’m Bisexual

I think the reason I was so quick to diagnose myself with ‘lesbian’ was because of the lack of representation and understanding I had of bisexuals. I hear people talk about internalized homophobia, but this was internalized biphobia.

When I hit the ripe age of 16, I experienced for the first time, Homophobia and from my own mother, she had found out I was Bi by going through my messages, I was yelled at, hit, had my hair grabbed and dragged across the floor, I felt completely helpless.

But then I woke up

My body was in pain and my head hurt and at that moment I felt truly alone. My mother moved me to Australia with my Aunt forcing me to leave behind my friends, my sisters and Rachel Lewis.

This was a year ago and I still have the scar of that beating I got physically and mentally, I love my mum and am still in contact with her, I call her constantly and miss her a lot.

The part of her that doesn’t hate me deep down for being bi

I’m still in the closet with everyone. I haven’t had a girlfriend or boyfriend, yet which is depressing but writing this gives me a false sense of freedom I can only get from coming out, so I’ll say this once

If its love, fuck the rules

I’m Bisexual and proud

Gay

I chose to indentify as gay, because I feel like I can use that as an umbrella term. To me the word lesbian doesn’t seem quite right, because it completely rules out men, and though I’ve never fallen for a man before, I don’t think it’s impossible.

Some family members and most of my friends know I’m not straight, but I fear to come out te the public, not only because I’m scared of their reactions but I also kind of feel like it’s none of their business? I’m not in a relationship nor have I ever been before, but I don’t feel like disclosing my sexuality without reason you know?

However, your story did inspire me to at least write my story somewhere, and perhaps, with all sadness going on in the world right now I might as well put this story up somewhere else, to share some colour and be true to myself.

The First Gay of the Rest of my Life

Growing up I always felt different.

This different-ness kept me from having authentic and deep relationships for most of my adolescent and young adult life, before I was even aware of what my “difference” was. I was never fully myself – I had a deep seeded anxiety that I was going to somehow let everyone know this thing that I didn’t even know about myself yet.

When I was 16 I had my first real kiss. I say real because I had kissed a handful of guys and felt a gut-wrenching anxiety before during and after each time. I remember wondering if that’s what the feeling all my friends talked about loving – so why didn’t I love it?

Well my first kiss at 16 told me why. I magically made a new best friend. She somehow rose in the rankings effortlessly in the 3 short weeks that I had known her, getting that coveted “best friend” position. Thinking back on the whole thing makes me smile because as horrifying as it was back then, it’s kinda cute to think about little gay me and how obvious it all was.

At this point I was having fleeting moments of feelings when our hands would touch, or she would lay her head on my shoulder, or she seemed to seek me out the same way I sought her out. These fleeting moments manifested as one of those jolts you get right after you’ve done something embarrassing, or you are carrying a laundry basket down a flight of stairs and think there’s one more stair beneath you but your foot hits the ground too quick. That split-second “oh f***” moment followed by that FULL body halo of heat that disappears just as quickly as it came.

Despite all the signs that were there – I continued to lie to myself and think that these touchy moments and our obsessive need to talk and be around one another and the phone bills from the literal 17,000 texts a month we sent (sorry dad… Also, did I even sleep? ALSO, yes it was long ago enough that you had to pay for texts past a certain amount. I’m showing my age – I digress.) were just the signs of best friendship. So one night she slept over. And as bffs do, we obviously went to bed forehead to forehead holding hands between us because that is just what best friends do, right? Anyway… I could feel her breath on my lips (remember… i was STILL lying to my conscious brain even at this point) and I think my heart rate spiking to the level it did made me actually black out because all of the sudden I opened my eyes and I WAS KISSING HER! I came to just after I had casually kissed my best friend and squeaked out a GOODNIGHT! and rolled over.

I didn’t sleep a M-Fing wink that night. I stared at the wall with my heart in my throat wondering WHY I JUST RUINED MY NEW BEST FRIENDSHIP. Turns out I didn’t. She kissed me the following night and thus ensued a secret 4 year love affair. Yes, I said it… 4 years.

We stayed in the closet together for those four years until I met my first gay friend in college. Coming out to even one person in my life started to make that closet my secret gf and I were in feel really claustrophobic. Eventually we parted ways and I came out to everyone I knew within the next few months. I count my blessings everyday that my coming out was easy for me because I know not everyone experiences it this way. But coming out strengthened my relationship with every single person in my life because the parts of me that no one ever touched were no longer untouchable. I stopped filtering myself (which is also a little detrimental at times) but all of my bonds became stronger because I was letting everyone love me for all of me. All the parts of me.

My story is longer than that but I’ll get off my soap-box for now.

Also to everyone terrified out there – find your one person. Even if you aren’t ready to tell the world and even if it’s a stranger online. Tell your person because even being your true self to just one person can make a huge difference. That being said – it’s okay to not be ready. When you are ready though… you’ve got an army waiting for you.

-Mo

Queer

I knew from a young age I was attracted to boys and girls. I actually had a Backstreet Boys poster and a Brittany Spears poster up in my bedroom and I thought both were cute. I was living in the Midwest at the time and that was a huge no no in the 90’s. Plus I had gotten teased a ton about my mom and stepdad practicing Tibetan Buddhism. I just went along with the other girls gushing about boys, guy celebrities, and such. I had crushes on boys and girls through school, but I felt I wasn’t gay. The only queer women I had been exposed to were very masculine and I didn’t identify in that way. I left home when I was 16 to move to California. I had met my fathers family for the first time and wanted to get to know them. I got involved in their religion, and while I saw the good, I saw so much of what didn’t align with my true self. I struggled for a few more years. I had a few friends come out to me and I was so happy for them. I knew at this point I was queer, I just couldn’t muster up the strength to come out myself.
I eventually moved to Orange County to reunite with my sister and my mom in 2014. I was 23. My mom always knew and kept trying to practically pull me out of the closet, fear had kept me in and so resistant. Eventually my anxiety for not being myself grew unbearable and I had to change that. So I came out at 23. My family was over the moon. Things started shifting for me. My dads family didn’t talk to me for a long time. Things have changed now, we communicate here and there. After my first serious relationship I have found myself in Massachusetts. While my partner and I went our separate ways for personal growth I find myself drawn to help others in situations like me. Be a light in dark times. That along with a spiritual awakening has held me steadfast my efforts and so inline with myself. I genuinely have love and compassion for others and I’m happy to be me. It’s also motivated me to become vegan and environmentally conscious.
So coming out started this beautiful chain reaction for me and I hope to support and encourage others to do the same.
You all are beautiful beings. Let your light shine bright, you are worth it and you never know when that light shines for others in the dark.