Community Rainbow Waves

Bi

I fell for the first girl in grade 9, had my first girlfriend last year and am in my last year of high school . I came out to my friends and then my family . Sometimes I feel like I have to choose a gender and then worry that I’m not being true to who I am . In a way , I fall for connections more than anything as it is one of the most important parts of a relationship to me (and friendship) . I thought I would have it figured out by the time I turn 18 , but I guess the universe hasn’t aligned my stars just yet (no I don’t read horoscopes 🙂 ) but I’m slowly working on it and truth be told , there is so much time to figure out who I really am and it doesn’t happen without experience and patience. I hope to help others going through the same doubts and worries. There’s always gold (or a queer) at the end of the rainbow.

I really can´t…identify myself…but it´s okay I think!

First of all, my first language is german.. so if i make mistakes (and there will be many I suppose) i apologize!

I want to make it short: I´ve never felt as a woman and I´ve never felt as a guy. i don´t know, I mean, it´s not important for me. biological i´m a woman, yes, and if you would see me you would also say that i´m a woman- but i don´t feel it-i like unisex clothes, sometimes i watch soccer and shout and drink beer, the next day i watch a walt disney film and cry- i´ve never liked or was even interested in things most girls like and also in things most guys like- as a kid or teenager i felt like an alien, now i´m happy the way iam. i don´t like the expectation society has on women- so what, yes im biological a woman, yes i don´t want kids, no also not in ten years, no i´m not married to a guy, blabla..

my coming out was a difficult- i always knew that i like women. i´ve never, and i´m 33 years old now- had feelings for men- maybe i fall in love with a guy when i´m a granny, who knows, but it never happened to me.
when my family found out (for me, it was always okay and normal) my parents throw me out of the house- i was 17. i had nothing, i didnt know what to do with my life, there was no perspective.
because i had to switch my places to sleep (mostly sofas of friends, we were young, not many of us had an own apartement or something like this)
i couldn´t concentrate on learning, doing my school etc… so i also lost the oppurtunity to do my final exams in school.
i had many difficult years, and i was so young…when i think back now, there was too much alcohol, too many parties and too many risky situations.

it all sounds very sad, and heartbreaking, but you know what?
I´m married know, to a wonderful woman, i finished university and i´m a social worker now- and try to help people manage their lives. in the past i always wished to have a social worker who helps me- now i try to be the person for other people.
so, there´s a happy end, i had good people in my life and i always trusted in myself- maybe i was just lucky, who knows 😉

Lesbian

when i was in 7th grade i was confused why all my celebrity crushes were female. I asked my friends that was it normal to have all female crushes. They didn’t know what to say. Time went by and then i had my first non-celebrity crush. Then i did the test and it said im bisexual. But i lied to myself that i like boys too. I’ve always been attracted to girls but i didn’t realize that. So finally i was sure that I’m not straight and i told my friends that I’m bisexual. Then i started to watch Wynonna Earp and that made me realize that im into girls only. So i came out to my friends as lesbian.
It took me a very long time to come out to my family but my sister, brother and dad were supportive. only my mom was like “it will go away”. Now i have been out over a year and im very happy and proud to be a lesbian.

A Bisexual unicorn – 20 years 🙂

I always knew that I was not like other girls, from the age of 8 when I liked my best friend. Nothing else happened until the years passed, at the age of 14 I was experiencing my sexuality, with fear and alone. One day I bravely told my mother, that I liked girls, she was so angry and forbade me from seeing my friends and took me to the psychologist. My soul was broken knowing that she was never going to accept me, it was a difficult time, when I was 16 I stopped going to the psychologist and spoke with my most close friends, who thanks to heaven, supported me and never left me alone. It took time but now I accept myself as I am, a woman who likes women and men. I am 20 years old right now, I wonder if someday I will be able to be happy, if I will be able to be myself with my family that is so homophobic, I would like to be who I am 24/7 and not just with my friends. I wish that the world was not so cruel with its labels and that my family accepts me, me, who only wants to love and be loved.

Confusion

I came out to my parents two days ago as bisexual. I am still not sure if I am bisexual, pansexual, or gay. I guess the best I can do is say that I am queer. Writing those words is hard but it is a significant milestone for me. Dominique Provost-Chalkley made me realise that and I am so grateful for her example. I have had a boyfriend for nearly five years, but we are taking a break at the moment because I need to figure out my sexuality. I cannot go on suppressing the fact that I am really attracted to women anymore. I began watching Wynonna Earp last week and seeing Waverly and Nicole together brought up all the feelings I have been suppressing. Seeing how natural and incredible their love is on-screen has helped me to face the truth and grapple with who I really am. I have been denying who I am for so long because I was scared and because I had a boyfriend who I couldn’t face hurting. I really love him, but I am just so much more attracted to women than to him. In the beginning I was very attracted to him which is why I think I might be bisexual or pansexual. I really just don’t know though. It is all so confusing and it hurts so much. I cannot be inauthentic with him, however, as it is not fair on him nor am I able to take the strain anymore. I have depression and I think a large part of my most recent episode (which I am only just emerging from) was about suppressing who I really am so that I didn’t have to face the truth and break-up with my boyfriend who is the most amazing person I have ever known. I hate putting him through this but I can’t deny the truth anymore.
I went to an all-girls high school. I had a few crushes on other girls there but I told myself that it was just because I wanted to give my love to someone and I wasn’t around boys much at all. I was terrified and I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt. I thought I was perverted and I was deeply ashamed. I have always had problems with my self-worth and apart from being too scared to come out, I didn’t think that if I told the person I was in love with that I loved her that she would ever be able to love me or that she even should. I still don’t think I deserve love although my boyfriend of the last almost five years has been so loving and helped me develop some acceptance in myself that I might be worthy of love. I am still not sure though and I don’t know how any woman will ever love me.
My sister came out as gay about five years ago and seeing how brave she was and how normal it actually is helped me overcome most of the shame. Lately, the main reason I have been denying my sexuality is that I have been in a loving relationship and he has taken care of me throughout my depression so I feel incredibly guilty admitting to myself that who I want to be in a relationship with might not be him. I am still trying to figure it out and I am going through a lot of pain trying to do that. My depression is still in the background and the punitive voice in my head is relentless. I am having trouble seeing the future as worth living for. I have always grappled with wanting to be dead and not wanting to have been born in the first place. But Dominique has showed me the strength in living out your truth and how joyous that truth can be. I am trying to live up to my values and be who I really am and a good person at the same time. I am trying to keep living. I don’t know how long I will manage and I can’t help feeling that my suicide is inevitable but for the time being, Dominique, you have given me something to hold onto and I am so grateful. Thank you.

Kata

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION ABOUT SUICIDE.

First of all sorry in advance for the mistakes, but I am not a native english speaker…
I was about 16 when I realized I was gay. The story is simple. I fell in love with an extraordinary girl, who was my best friend. I really felt lost, and alone, and scared. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship so I stayed quiet for a while.
She had a really difficult time with her adoptive parents, who wanted to get rid of her, so I really didn’t want to make things even more difficult for her. But as my feeling were eating me alive I got to a point where I knew I have to admit I love her. And I did. And quess what? She felt the same. And I was the happiest girl in the whole word. For a while…
Then we started to came out to our closest friends, and they were all amazing about it. Except this one girl who outed us in front of the entire school. That is when things started to go down. We were afraid to hold hands, becuase incidents happened. Someone threw stones on me. Someone spat on me. I started to feel worthless. I was afraid to come out to my family. I was, well, I still am a Christian. I couldn’t match my belief and my sexuality. I tried to pray the gay away… But nothing helped. My grandmother just suddenly died, and that was the last drop in the glass.
I tried to commit suicide, as you can see without success. And I didn’t want to tell my family the reasons. As I was in the hospital my sister found my blog online as it was trending, and she told me she knows about me being gay. She told me she loved me no matter what. I am very grateful to her to this day, becuase I really needed to hear those words from her. Then I came out to my mother, which was the scariest thing. It was hard. She acted like everything was cool, but I knew something was wrong. One day I saw her cry, and asked what happened. I asked if she is crying becuase of me. And she said yes, and my heart broke into a million pcs… That’s it. I was thinking she doesn’t love me anymore, and she’ll kick me out. And then she told me she cries becuase she doesn’t want me to be afraid to hold my partner’s hand on the streets, she doesn’t want me to be unhappy. And that was it. We cried for a long time in each other’s arms. The rest is history. This was more than 12 years ago. Now, as I am near 30 I am fully out. To those who are not out yet and are struggling, please know that it gets better. You are not alone, you have a whole army behind you. It will get better.

Internalizing my battles

Usually a story starts at the beginning. When everyone is equally as confused. No one knows where the directors will take each scene and I, being from a conservative family, just was implied that I was straight by nature. No questioning needed of my sexuality. Thus, I live for 22 years just repressing feelings. Going out with boys and then feeling this empty feeling. Like I’m not being completely honest with myself. So I start this story with the middle. My junior year in University. I had already acknowledged that I liked a girl that was one of my best friends but I sweared to myself every girl had those kinds of moments. We are just hyper awear of our feelings. (laughs in closet gay). Well well we’ll. There comes 2018 and the summer that changed my life. I was preparing myself to have 2 months of no interaction with people. Ready to start studying for medical school and then out of nowhere I just put a random show on. Wynonna Earp. What an interesting show. Magic, guns and comedy. I was hooked. What I wasn’t expecting was to identify so much with Waves. How the heck did a writers created this character. Why I’m I getting so emotional over a TV show. How I was going out of my head questioning if I was a lesbian or I just was confused or all of the above. What I didn’t realize was that I will go to YouTube and spend days watching interviews from the cast. What I never realized was that one of them will sing the song I never wanted my lips to sing.
I’m still closet and at age 23 I feel like it’s taken forever to get to this comfortable place where some of my good friends know. But, Dominique I have to say thank you. I just graduated from a bachelor degree in environmental sciences. On my way to my PhD. If it wasn’t for the fact that I saw representation of not only the awesome queer community but also Start the Wave I don’t think I would’ve come out of that depressed stage I was in. Dominique thank you for saying it’s ok to be the odd one out in an ever so serious world. Thank you for standing by our planet’s side. As a queer Hispanic environmentalist it means the world. I sure as hell will be doing the most to save it too.

An Unraveling

I was in my teens when I started to “like” girls. But I almost immediately would dismiss the notion that I was gay because (a) I “also” liked boys and (b) I grew up in a culture where people, especially if they know you are gay, would refer to you using the local vernacular (“bakla”: Tagalog word referring to gay men and “tomboy”: referring to lesbian/masculine women). So you can say there was that “fear” of being referred to as something else other than who I really am. I “shelved” it in the next few years, I did not give it much thought. I focused on what my family wanted me to do which was to finish my studies. After finishing school, I got myself a job, started providing for my family, I was happily single. I still “liked” boys but would also “appreciate” girls.

Then at 23, I fell madly in love. With a woman. She and I have been friends a few years (I met her at work), but didn’t really think my friendship with her would evolve into anything romantic until she asked me out. The process of embracing this new reality for me, this positive, exhilarating change for me wasn’t hard – I understood that I love her, being near her made me feel alive. I absolutely knew at that moment that I am a lesbian and that there’s no turning back. What became clear to me was that I hesitated in the past because I haven’t found the person who would see through me and love me for who I am, love the best things about me and all the complications in between.

This brand new love gave me the feeling of being “liberated” and being “unstoppable” and couldn’t wait to tell the world about it. I spoke to my mom first, casually telling her that “she” wasn’t just my friend, she’s my girlfriend. The only thing my mom said to me that evening was: “I want for you to have a normal family.” My heart was shattered. And they (my mom and sister) did not speak much to me in the coming months. This was also the phase when I started to spend more time with my girlfriend, staying with her for most of the week and coming home only to quickly check on them or run other errands.

It wasn’t the loving who I want to love that was hard, it was the attempt to find someone who would understand why I need to pursue what my heart wants that was difficult. And when I couldn’t find the support I hoped to get at home, I spoke to my friends, bit by bit. They were supportive and were pretty nonchalant when I came out to them. This helped create a sense of “balance” in my life, knowing that I have people who’d always have my back no matter what. Eventually, my family learned to accept me, and in one family gathering, I overheard my mom talking to my uncle saying that “I am happy as long as I know my daughter is happy.”

Fast forward to today, April 5th, 2020, I am preparing to move to Los Angeles to finally be with my wife. I’ll be seeing her in ten days. We met nearly 4 years ago and decided to get married after a year of being together (took a leap of faith and it’s so darn worth it). It’s been a long and arduous process to get things fixed so we can permanently be in one place but it is finally happening.

This unraveling meant that I needed to stick to what I know is my true path, to what I know is anchored to my humanity. This unraveling meant that I needed to allow my atoms, the “thread” of my whole being to unfurl – without the guarantee that things will work out. This unraveling meant that I needed to simply let myself be in a state of an “undoing,” so that I can be my authentic self, so that I can walk through life with all the courage that I have in me, however the world responds to it. But it was in the “undoing” that I found the will to “do” what it takes to be who I am, and to have in my life what I genuinely desire to fill it with – the chance to love and be loved and the chance to be so utterly proud of how He made me.

Queer

When I was a kid, my parents never taught me that there are different types of people. And in everyday of my life, I started to think that those people are not normal. As time goes by, (thanks to the emergence of social media and technology) I slowly learned about people that I thought was not normal. I remembered when I was on my 8th grade, I had this admiration towards my girl classmate. I can’t understand what I was feeling back then, but I knew it was more than an admiration. She wasn’t my bestfriend, nor a friend, she was different. And when she started getting a little cozy with me, I freaked out and pushed her away. Because all I know is that, if a girl likes a girl, they’re full-on lesbian, and if a guy likes a guy, they are gay. I was naive with these kind of things because my parents are somewhat conservative and “homophobic” and so they never taught us when it comes to that. I had no idea that there are different labels of sexual orientations for someone. All throughout my high school life, when I knew a girl is getting cozy with me, I would totally shut them off because I’m afraid a girl would like me. And that was the biggest and most stupid thing that I ever did. I was shutting off and pushing away people who are actually willing to show love and care towards me.

But when I got into college, it became a plot twist for me. I met this girl from an org in our school. I saw how dedicated she was on what she was doing and I saw myself staring at her everytime we see each other. That was when I started to really admire and get attracted to girls too. I freaked out, not in a bad way, but I freaked out because I realized it’s real and that is who I am. And that time, it’s like I was hit by a huge rock, or an overspeeding truck, or a lion just bit me, that I like girls as much as I like guys.

I think, labeling your sexuality is your job and no one elses. Because you only get to know yourself more than anyone. With me, I don’t like to label myself yet, because I know I’m still young and I still have a lot to experience and journeys that I have to go through. I’m just really happy and glad that Dominique inspired me to come out publicly, like, to strangers. Which is strange because this is my fear and only fear. Ever since I watched Wynonna Earp, Dom already gave me confidence to totally know and accept myself more. Maybe by coming out to you guys, it will make me accept myself more before I come out to any of my friends or relatives. Though I’m still sh*t scared on what other people might say or people knowing about my true self, at least there are people like you who understands and accepts other people’s truths. And I’m thankful that I came across to Dominique and met a lot of amazing and inspiring people.

I wish I could have the courage and bravery a lot of you guys have into coming out to people. Maybe not now, but soon. And I believe the time will come , I can proudly wave the rainbow flag not just for me, but for all of us🙂 xx

I am pansexual

I think I have always known, however, I have kept that part of me locked away and hidden for so long. I thought I had just ‘experimented’ in my youth, but there was no way I could actually be queer. My family was/is very sexually repressive, that made it difficult to be who I have always been. I have also grown up in a regional community, which has made it difficult not having much representation. My best friend in high school has two mums and I seen the toll it took on her navigating the negative discourse that was aimed at her from coming from a queer family. That experience just solidified that I couldn’t be out. So I suppressed that side of me, I did not allow it to show, and I was ashamed that there were girls that i just couldn’t get out of my head. So I went the opposite way, I entered relationships with bad men, the polar opposite of anything remotely queer, and I had a daughter. My daughter is the only thing I don’t regret from living my closeted life. Then as a mature aged student I entered university where I met my fiancé. He is transgender, FTM. He introduced me to a world that I thought was closed to me, we became friends, then lovers, and now family.
Our housemate, his best friend, is also pansexual, and with our little community I feel I finally belong.
I didn’t exactly come out to anyone except him. My family knew him, knew he was transgender, and when we started dating it was as simple as ‘him and I are together now, I will not discuss our sexuality, if you have any concerns about the way he treats me, by all means say something, however if it’s about sexuality, I will not hear it’. The sense of power I have felt from standing up to my family and just being me is something purely wonderful. I still struggle against pre-conceived notions of who I am “meant” to be, of how this world is structured to suppress women like me and my community.
We are getting married at the end of this year, and have only two celebrants to choose from that are allies and will marry us.
However, I refuse to let that get me down.
I am out, without coming out. I am in love with a beautiful, wonderful man. I stand up for what I believe in. I am queer. For once in my life I am simply ME!