Community Rainbow Waves

Aly

On some level, I always knew I was different. I knew that I wasn’t as “boy crazy” as all my friends growing up. Due to various outside forces at play, including (but not limited to) family, peers, church, and small town disdain of queer identities, I never allowed myself to explore the possibility that I was a lesbian.

That all changed when I graduated high school and moved 2 hours away to college. Geographically, I was still in close proximity to my family; socially, however, I was a world away from the “hick town” of my upbringing. While in college, I joined both a sorority AND the rugby club team. I met queer women of many identities and walks of life in both organizations.

Once I realized that the sometimes all-too-typical media portrayal of “butch” lesbians were not the only way to be queer, all the mental puzzle pieces clicked into place. (I feel as though I should interject here and sing the praises of butch lesbians for the wonderful, beautiful beings that they are. That’s just not an identity I have ever associated with myself, therefore it took me some time to understand that one could be a lesbian without also being perceived as masculine.)

Once I came out to myself (thanks in no small part to the Spashley and Otalia ships, as well as the movies Blue Crush and Bring It On) and started dating my first girlfriend, there was really no looking back. I finally understood the butterflies my friends talked about when referencing their first kisses with their respective boyfriends. It was with SO MUCH relieve that I realized I was neither crazy nor broken….just gay!

I still live just outside of my old college town, working as a nurse. My beautiful wife, who had her own coming-out struggles involving her very Mexican/Catholic family, is working as a local high school teacher. Every day that I wake up and get to live life alongside the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known, I thank my lucky stars that I found the courage to accept and live my truth.

I was a bird that can’t fly. Then sudden I met “love”. She gave me wings to fly high but yet scares me.

When I found love. I didnt say anything, I’m just action speak louder than words. I think everyone, no, not everyone notice what makes me happy. But I am glad i found love and Im lil bit scared because not everyone knows or accepted my imperfection. And that’s for being a Bi. So I am not totally out because I’m scared.

Nicole

As a lesbian and apart of the LBGT community the question of “when did you know?” becomes a big one! I always think back on my journey and wonder “well did it start in elementary school.. was it middle.. or was it sophomore year of hs when I finally put it all together and said it out loud” will I ever be fully aware of when?? Probably not. I remember in elementary always wanting to be the “boy” character. For anyone who has seen High School Musical, I wanted to be Troy, at the time I didn’t have a reason why and I don’t even know now if I could explain it coming from that young of a mind. Then in middle school that was still the case and in the end of 7th going into 8th grade I was very depressed and did not tell anyone because in all honesty I thought “well I’m confused and unsure of my feelings, I always want to be the boy so I can be with a girl, do I need to be a boy??” And that was my thought process because growing up even just 5-10 years ago LGBT representation was not huge. And then I stumbled across an episode of Grey’s Anatomy while I was home sick and it happened to be the episode after the musical one where Callie Torres, Arizona Robbins, and Mark Sloan are starting to get ready to take Sophia (their daughter) home from the hospital and I was beyond confused. I couldn’t comprehend how they all 3 were the parents. Then time went on (that same school year) and at the end of 8th grade the season 9 (I believe) finale of Greys was airing and I saw previews for it and was so in awe and decided all summer before freshman year I was going to binge watch all 9 season of Grey’s Anatomy.. which I did! And I found “Calzona” through it all with heartbreak and happiness and just everything Shonda Rhimes throws at you. Anyways I finally saw my first actual representation of LGBT characters. High school started, I was less depressed after finally realizing I do not have to be a boy to be with a girl and I just laid low.. never really admitted to myself I was gay but I had inklings of it. Then sophomore year came around and 2 friends of mine (girls) told me they were dating and tbh the instant relief that washed over me was immensely powerful. I was so happy for them and just, that was the moment that clicked of “oh, this is okay.. it’s okay to feel this way”. Now my journey of getting to that point and coming out, some may say was easy. Which I will not fully disagree because I was never disowned or kicked out, but I was questioned and at times made to feel wrong. In high school I had people trying to out me.. to just get me to say it. I refused, besides a few close friends I did not come out until I had already graduated high school to avoid the stereotypes and looks and possible whispers. But when I did finally post a picture of my gf and I in one way or another “coming out to the world” I was happy. Finally happy in my own skin. Again was it horrible?? Of course not I feel blessed.. but was it amazing with no issues?? No it wasn’t, but that’s the beauty in it. I learned so much about myself from young elementary school Nicole to 21 year old Nicole who is in a happy and healthy almost 3 year relationship with my amazing girlfriend. I don’t want to be a cliche who says “it’ll get better” because for some it may not but what I want to get across is that, it’s okay to be yourself! People may judge or do things that you just can’t handle.. that’s normal and there are still haters who will think how you choose to spend your life is disgusting but in the end, however you choose to spend your life and whoever you choose to love.. as long as you’re happy, that really is all that matters.

Queer

My name is Athena.
P.s sorry if my English is different, I’m Aussie. #RE-UPLOAD
In the beginning of 2017 I started to realise I had feelings for one of my friends (a girl) and I was very confused by it. Although throughout my childhood I had crushes on girls, and knew I did but thought it was normal and fine, which it was but I was told that it wasn’t. After the same sex marriage approval and vote to be legal started l, my parents began to have conversations at the dinner table on why it’s wrong and that they shouldn’t let it happen. I love my parents with all my heart but it did not help me at all with my journey of figuring out who I am and how I identify. So I shut it out my thoughts and feelings for girls out.
In late 2017 I moved schools.
All day long, I’d have this voice in my head, this haunting voice that wouldn’t leave me alone, “your not gay. You not gay. Your not gay. Your not gay.” On repeat.
I would go home crying and not even realise why. I’d stay home and miss school because I was always upset.
It affected me for a really long time until one day I just shut the negativity out like I had done with my feelings.
In late September 2018 when I was 12 ( I know, very young) I realised while watching a Television show (Atypical) with an lgbtq couple in it, that being gay was ok and normal. That liking the same sex was ok. But I was confused for a long time thinking,” Ok I like girls but I also like boys.” What? Is that even possible? Although I knew that my parents wouldn’t agree. So I didn’t tell anyone for a long time.
In the beginning of 2019
I was sitting around a table with about 6 other friends. And one of our friends randomly said that she thinks she’s lesbian. And this wave of shock and somewhat reliefs just came over me. I didn’t say a word but look at her shocked. No one responded besides one of our other friends at the table. She wasn’t too supportive and said some… well, not nice things.
It was later that day when I realised that I’m not the only one, there are others like me, confused.
I hadn’t known what any of the queer terms meant, LGBTQ Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer. I didn’t know anything about it.
Until I decided to text my friend and tell her that i was feeling the same way she was.
She told me that she thinks she’s bisexual and I had no clue whatsoever what she was talking about. So I researched.
For a very long time.
And I decided to label my sexuality as bisexual. A couple months later I told some of my closest friends who I thought would be supportive. Most of them were. And I told my sister who later on told me she’s gay. I wasn’t very surprised
And my sister had told my parents about her being gay.
Although I still wasn’t ready to tell them. I surrounded myself with the people I thought would accept me. Most of them did and were supportive but others, it took a little while for them to accept me.
In my the middle of 2019 I started finding more lgbtq couples and tv shows and became more interested.
And then I found the show that changed my life……
WYNONNA EARP!
This show had a massive positive impact on me. And I am so grateful and lucky to have such an amazing show with an amazing cast. I found the ship couple Wayhaught and instantly fell in love with Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp. I had massive crushes on the two (Still do)
I watched the full three seasons and became obsessed with the show. Telling some of my friends and family about it. And I got one of my friends hooked on it as well.
I then discovered Dominique Provost-Chalkley’s Start The Wave which changed my life.
The way I saw other people, how I looked at the Earth, becoming more interested in climate change, how I should always no matter what, treat people with kindness, forgive and forget, love each and every person that comes into your life, and live with compassion. My love for animals sky rocketed when I watched a few documentaries recommended by Dominique on her Start The Wave.
She inspires me so much to be the best I can be and live with love.
I later on realised that I don’t really feel the need to put a label on myself other than that I am Queer. I’m a young 13 year old queer girl.
Dominique inspired me to come out to my parents. So thats what I did. And I am out to everyone now.
Dominique YOU gave me the courage to come out. And I couldn’t be more grateful to have someone like you in this world that I can look up to. Your coming out story made me ball my eyes out the whole time I had been reading it. Your amazing!
Thank you for being you!
I am queer
I am out
And I am proud
#OutIsTheNewIn

Gay

I chose to indentify as gay, because I feel like I can use that as an umbrella term. To me the word lesbian doesn’t seem quite right, because it completely rules out men, and though I’ve never fallen for a man before, I don’t think it’s impossible.

Some family members and most of my friends know I’m not straight, but I fear to come out the the public, not only because I’m scared of their reactions but I also kind of feel like it’s none of their business? I’m not in a relationship nor have I ever been before, but I don’t feel like disclosing my sexuality without reason you know?

However, your story did inspire me to at least write my story somewhere, and perhaps, with all sadness going on in the world right now I might as well put this story up somewhere else, to share some colour and be true to myself.

Trust your heart if the seas catch fire (she/her)

I never knew I was gay when I was growing up. I had a conservative family who never talked about love. I was extremely in denial and extremely obsessed with boys. But, I met a girl when I was 15, at school. And we became fast friends – we were exceptionally close. I thought all friendships were meant to feel like that – warm, safe… slightly obsessive. And then one day she wanted to kiss me, and I was so confused because I didn’t like GIRLS??? And it took me a long time to come around, but she became my first girlfriend and it was the biggest scariest secret I had to keep. We went to an all girls school and she was incredibly affectionate so it wasn’t long before people started talking about us behind our backs and suspecting. I got tonnes of anonymous messages online calling me slurs and asking if we were dating. Keep in mind it was 2012, things were very different than they could be now. So finally after months of rumours about us being “dirty lesbians” and snide comments in class I decided it was time for me to just say it, because I was tired of awful made up stories about me floating everywhere. So I made a post on Facebook telling everyone to stop – stop calling me a lesbian, stop making things up. And I told them that I was bisexual. I received over 300 likes on that post. And somehow, magically, all the hate whispered behind our backs slowed right down. Because nobody had anything to talk about anymore. Because I confirmed the truth, we weren’t hiding anymore. That relationship lasted 18 months and I’ve had many long term relationships with women since. My label has changed over time and I now feel that Queer most describes my sexuality but I also identify with pansexual and bisexual. But for me, my sexuality doesn’t feel like it is just one thing. I feel fluid, like I have the capacity to love anybody. My story has many, many more layers as do all of ours. This is just one short version of my story, and how I became a part of one of the most wonderful communities on earth.

Just a girl who likes girls

I think I’ve known I liked girls since I was 14 but I kind of ignored it, if that makes sense?? I sort of pushed those feelings and ideas away, and tried to be attracted to boys. It’s fair to say that it didn’t work ! I came out to few people at a time, people I could trust but I only told my parents and extented family when I had my first girlfriend. I was 22, so I’m a late bloomer!
And telling my pare nts was hard because I knew they wouldn’t understand and it made them sad ; sad that I wouldn’t live the life they imagined for me and scared I would be seen as “different”. Some people rather blend in and not make waves, but maybe different is cool you know ? It opens up people’s mind and if they make the effort then they can see life from someone’s point of view and sort of grow. In that way representation matters, especially on TV where people how normal queer people are. We are only different from the societal norm but maybe we can just change that norm? How hard could it be to simply accept and embrace our differences ?
This place allows us to be simply ourselves, so thank you for this!
xxx

Queer / Non-Binary

CONTENT WARNING: THIS COMING OUT STORY CONTAINS DESCRIPTION AND/OR DISCUSSION OF ABUSE, SELF HARMING BEHAVIOR, AND SUICIDE.

Hello, my name is Paula from Brazil and my coming out history is a little confusing, so I’m gonna try to resume it as possible as I can.

Why is it complicated? Because a huge part of my childhood was erased from my mind, or at least for a long period I had these huge blanks in my brain, consequences of child abuse suffered from my 8 until my 12 years old. So when my teens came up I was struggling with a lot of stuff, so my orientation and sexual identity was on the surface of all my internal problems. Such as depression, substance abuse, ODs, attempts of suicide, and hospitalizations.

But at the same time, I was quite different and I was pretty conscious that I had attractions with girls but also with boys. Although with boys I was feeling guilty as well. Because I was constantly feeling all this overwhelming hate. Hate of the world, hate of myself, and hate of all men… almost rage if I’m being really honest. Probably, that’s why I was constantly close to dying because I wasn’t giving a fuck about anything.

My brother and best friend (RIP) was the first person I’d come out. I was 14 years old. But is funny though, because was him that asked me with I was gay. And was ok with all my family, as a matter of fact, everybody embraced. Honestly, I didn’t have a problem with the girl’s attraction part, I’d always felt comfortable and safe with them. My struggle was accepting that it was okay having attractions for boys as well. That only took 10 years of my life, even though I was able to have sex experiences with men I’m still having trust issues, emotionally speaking.

Only four years ago I could see other questions tagged in my mind. Questions about my identity, am I trans or not? Because I never felt comfortable with my body, but is it possible that is my child abuse tricking me? Or maybe I just don’t like labels and have a different idea about what women and men are. Or maybe I just don’t feel like either one of them. This is still a work in progress and sometimes I don’t think if I still have the energy. Or maybe is just fear because I live in a country where LGBTQ people have no voice or even proper rights. Especially trans people. Every day a trans life is taken from just for being trans in Brazil.

Music, art, vegan diet, animal care, and LGBTQ activism. Those are all the stuff that literally saved my life. Because I feel like we are here to constantly changing and to always transcend to a better version of ourselves, and maybe or probably, I’m gonna need another life to discover it. So kills me how the world can be so ugly sometimes.

And that’s why I really don’t know how I’m alive. I’m 30 years now and I look all this stuff I had to survive and deal with. But surprises me every day how hopefully I still am, and surprises me how I can be so fucking positive that annoys myself.
I know that I need to deal with a lot of stuff yet.

But I’m proud to already be so much more.

And especially I’m proud to look backward and access all that pain and suffering but with all the fucking strength of the world.

I’m proud to just be alive, honestly.

I’m a bleeding heart snowflake, a sinning homosexual, and beautifully in love with another woman.

I don’t think there was ever a specific moment that made me realize I was gay. I’ve always known, whether it came to my childhood crush on Mulan, my adolescent obsession with Kristen Stewart, or my teenage love for my best friend. I came out to my friends my freshman year of high school, my mother about one year later, and am yet to come out to my father several more years later. He’s in his mid sixties and dead set in his ways, though I suspect he knows. Being gay is something that hides in the shadows if it isn’t directly addressed when you’re growing up. You can have your parents never speak out against the LGBT+ community, and still feel as if you’re living a lie. I’ve been called snowflake, baby, sweetheart, sinner, and many more by people who know no more about me other than the way I held the hand of the girl I loved. The world is changing, and we can hope it changes for the better, but hope means nothing without action. I live my life fighting in public for the rights of people like me, marching the streets, signing petitions, and I in fear at family dinners, too scared to introduce my own father into the world I’m a part of. The world is changing, and we’d better hope that we can keep up with it.

I am a Gender-Fluid Queer

My story is one that never ends, its an endless cyclone of fear and misery, a tale is old as time. Living in a religious Hispanic household restricted me from, well.. being anyone i wanted to be. Being the youngest of seven siblings i didn’t have much choice in the matter when it came to expressing my true self, at an early age i knew i was different. Well so did my favorite Aunt, she was more of a mother to me then my actual one, she looked after me when my parents were away for years working in the city. But my first coming out story began in the summer of ’04, when something inside me awakened. I couldn’t turn to my family with it in fear of instant rejection or judgement or even isolating me from the world, so to practice I told a lie to my best friend at the time to see her reaction to the news, i said ” i was playing with the girl next door and some how we ended up kissing, I didn’t know how I felt about it but I might try it again, what do you think?” her response was priceless, she asked if I was gay now, I said no of course not I’ve had boyfriends in the past, she went on to say its ok if you are, just live your life ill support you and what every you decide. Now mind you we were like 9 years old, they stuck to me. from then on, I became a little more confident and bolder in my social surrounding such as school and eventually work. until one day my aunt asked me, “Kay do you like girls?” I was utterly shocked, for I thought no member in my family suspected it, I turned red with embarrassment first rejecting the question, but I looked at my Aunts face which showed nothing but kindness and I finally had that courage and said it out loud YES! An honest to goodness Wave of relief washed over me I felt flushed, but she said shes always known but waited for me to come to her but my fear was too deep she knew I never would. We sat up that whole night talking about every minut detail, she helped me feel accepted, loved and supported. I became a little bolder a few days later my older sister called me to ask if I was Gay I said I was a lesbian yes, but being called gay or lesbian never sat right with me I mean I like girls so being called lesbian insinuated I was only female, I knew I was born a girl but I also liked when strangers would mistake me for a boy, so i sot the advice and consul of others like me to put a name to who I was as a person, coming across label as “Gender-Fluid Queer” it described me to the “T” so thats how i described myself to my brothers and friends and yea stranger to if asked. Now the dark part of all this, my dearest loving Aunt passed, and my father left us, I was left with the one person I was most terrified of. My religious headstrong Mother, I alone watch over her none of my siblings want nothing to do with her I am all she has, til this day she still does not know or is in denial. She is now a fragile woman, so in fear of hurting her I say nothing, cowardly I know, I’ve tried many times over they years to tell her but just when I finally think I have the nerve to fess up , I chicken out. Its a fear that paralyzes me from having a social life anymore, going out on dates or meeting anyone. I’ve lived with this weight on my chest for 20 years, so to take care of me and separate myself from her negativity I have taken up therapy to cope with this weight. Hopefully in due time I can work on my true authentic self and have the courage to tell her as I’ve done many times over!

Hopefully you can find a silver lining in my story and if you have a similar story just know your not alone!
Thank you for reading
Much Love!