Community Rainbow Waves

I identify as bisexual

It all started since I was young…I would watch tv shows and movies and think that the women were pretty in another type of way. I never understood why because I grew up in a place where liking your same sex was odd, different and wrong…Flash forward to middle school: I started being confused over my sexuality…I didn’t know if I liked boys or girls or both. I was very confused. Then, I was in denial…Saying I wouldn’t picture myself being with my same sex, that I supported the community, but I wasn’t LGBTQ+ and all the typical things. In December, I was scrolling down on tumblr, when I stumbled upon this GIF of a bisexual woman and a lesbian woman kissing. I got curious and searched the name of the show on Netflix. I clicked and started watching it and quickly got fond of it…The name of this amazing show was Wynonna Earp and the two women I saw kissing were Waverly Earp and Nicole Haught, also known as Wayhaught. I Remember watching that episode and being like: “I’m bisexual.” I finally realized that I was attracted to both genders and I came out to myself…I left that denial behind and confirmed my sexuality. But there was a problem…I was not out publicly, because I feared I was going to be hated and segregated by my family and others. I thought of the worst and decided to stay in the closet for a few months…On February 14th 2019, This girl dm’d me on Instagram and from there we were talking. We started having feelings for each other and to that day, the only people that knew were: my best bro, my best gal, my sister and her. My mother would ask who I was talking to and I would say that I was talking with my best bro so she would leave me alone…One day, I made the huge mistake of giving this girl my password so I could get more followers on Instagram. On a Saturday afternoon, I was getting ready to go to the movies with my friends, when I receive a text from the girl asking me out on a date. I accepted and went over to my sister to show her the text…Thing was, my mother was doing my sister’s nails and she asked me who had texted me. I didn’t tell her anything and refused to tell her. She said that if I didn’t tell her who texted me, then I wouldn’t go to the movies. We started arguing, until I shouted: “Fine! I’m bisexual and this girl asked me out on a date!” My mother looked at me and said: “thank you” in a disappointed tone and kept doing my sister’s nails. I stormed off to my room and finished getting ready and went to the movies…After the movies, I was angry at my mother, so she tried talking to me, but Iashed out and it resulted in another argument which got me to have my phone confiscated and another issue was brewing…Somehow, my account was cloned and my mom freaked because she thought my account got hacked and my parents are very serious about my safety so, they got off work early and picked me up from school and took me to a fast food joint parking lot. And we talked again…After all that was said, the things that really got to me were these words my mom said…”I just wanted to know what was making my daughter so happy.” And what both told me…”I may not be okay with it, but you’re my daughter…That won’t change how much I love you.” After those words, I felt horrible about myself and my behavior against them…I assumed the worst and I didn’t come out the way I wanted to…What I want to tell people is: Come out when you’re ready and don’t assume the worst…Please stay positive and don’t be like me.

JustbeHappy040116

I don’t know how to start but I must say that I’ve had a lot of boyfriends back then. I like boys, I like the way they court me, gives me flowers, chocolates, and stuff like every guys that I’ve dated… You know, they’re really in love with me, and they care about me.
This is not me being conceited, but this is me telling the truth. I love dating boys, yet I feel like I’m loathing about them–fed up and eating the same food every single day. I always think that there’s something wrong with me for they always give what I deserve, what I want, and what I need, but I’m always stuck of thinking that if I get attached, they’re just gonna leave me after all. Well, it’s for me to find outttttt, though I used to be a man a hater…
When I was young, I told myself that I’m just gonna play with boys and their shit. Why? Coz’ my childhood is kinda rough. I remember, I didn’t get the chance to be with my parents that much. My mom got pregnant with a very young age, and she needs to work far from us, while my dad is a drunken master. Lol! Like he always come home drunk as fuck with another woman. Hahaha! Things didn’t work out for them, so I guess, you know where I’m coming from? Jeez! This is so emotional. Hahaha!
Going back to dating boys, I always think that they’re all the same, like if they get what they want they’ll left you hanging. I was wrong, coz’ actually good guys exist, and I was very lucky to have them but, yah know something is quite missing. I really felt their love for me sadly, I don’t have that much love to offer them, that’s why I tend to date a lot of boys, like collecting toys. It’s like a routine man! My life is in black and white, and I feel so sorry from the bottom of my heart. I know there’s something wrong with me, for I think I am seeking the love that I really want and I really need, maybe they are not for me, or I’m not just into guys? I’m just in denial? I don’t fucking know what to do!
What is the feeling of being in love?
What is the feeling of being in love with the person who loves you back?
FUCK!
I’m gonna tell you this, IT’S FUCKING AMAZING!!!
Here it goes…
I met this girl in 2016, we’re schoolmates. One time she needs to survey for a subject and that’s the time we met. I saw her staring at me for a plenty of times, it’s like every time I check on her she’s there, literally staring at me as if she’s drooling. Lol! After several days, she added me on Facebook and told myself, I remember this girl… So, I accepted her request and boommm! We can’t stop exchanging messages, sending voice clips, pictures like I never felt this excitement and butterflies in my tummy before.
It felt so different, however it feels really really good. Legit man! Knowing that we’re just talking. At first I’m scared coz’ it feels new to me, everything is new to me– you know I’m so confused for the reason that we live in a world where we should be what people wants us to be. We should choose and fit in what we think is right and we tend to deprive and disregard happiness. In short, we’re scared of being judged– I feel like I’m in a war and I got no bullet and gun to survive. I’m also afraid of what my family, friends, and people would think if I told them about it. Good thing I’m a very spontaneous person and I don’t care what people will say, again (I’m scared and afraid but I know this will be worth it) so I risked, (FUCK JUDGEMENTS). People are shocked of me dating a girl but, I told myself I’ll just get used to it.
People are judging me and they keep on telling me whom I should date, and that this kind of relationship is bad, but you know what? I always show them kindness. These people didn’t know that this girl changed me on how I prospect life, and made me realize a lot of things. She helped me with everything, she’s been there supporting me through my ups and downs when no one else would. She’s been very patient and persistent with me because I am a messy and impulsive person. She loved me so much. She loved me at my worst, and best, and embraced me for who I really am. I must be very blessed to have someone like her in my life, and as time goes by my feelings are getting deeper and deeper. I have never been this comfortable having her around. I’m enjoying her company, never loathe, she makes me laugh, smile, she keeps me warmth. Every day is a different day when I’m with her, I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love her. I love her so much.
Our love story is not perfect, in fact she knows that I’m scared, but she guided me in every way. We fought and faced a lot of judgments and problems, but we managed to conquer all of it by just supporting and being there for each other. All those black and white has changed with a lot of colors– colorful, brilliant, and glowing I must say. I never thought that she would make a huge impact in my life and will make me become the better version of myself.
I didn’t regret a thing for choosing her and being with her.
I never thought that she would make a huge impact in my life and will make me become the better version of myself.
We share a love that no one will ever understand, except if you know that happiness is what matters in life then it’s the right thing to do. This is so cheezyy!
I’ve also contemplated that embracing difference and accepting who you really are is such a powerful and revolutionary thing, and you won’t need anyone’s approval, acceptance, and judgments in your life—thus, these would just drag you down. Just always remember to be who you are and show kindness even if they don’t.
Time flies so fast and I’m living the best years of my life, and I’m happy to say that we’re celebrating our fourth anniversary on April 1, 2020 and I wanna thank her and God for everything. Peace y’all.

I’m Emma and a proud young gay woman.

To be honest I never thought of sending in my story purely because I feel as though it’s boring but then I figured, we all have a story and they are all beautiful and unique to us, so why not tell it?
There were definitely many hints from a very early age that I was queer. Since primary school I was always very shy and awkward around girls and found it easier to be friends with boys and became quite confused when around my own gender, like there was something “off” about me when I was around them. In turn I ended up trying to become more like a “boy”. I dressed in “boy” clothes and joined in with the “boy” activities and subsequently started questioning if what was “off” about me was that I just wanted to be a boy.
This went on for a fair few years until secondary school where I realised I was actually happy being a girl but still not feeling comfortable around them or just having feelings when around them that I couldn’t understand.
Later on in secondary school I had a friend who came out as bisexual and as a lot of things in schools, that news travelled fast and many people were judgemental. To this day I remember the pit in my stomach I would feel every time I heard someone make a hurtful remark regarding it. Looking back, I think hearing those kinds of things held me back from discovering who I was. I became fearful of having anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community and so I stopped questioning anything to do with me and how I felt around girls. I tried to find boys that I thought were cute and wouldn’t mind dating because that’s what was “normal” and what no one else frowned upon or judged but it just never felt right to me. I remember thinking that this can’t be what love feels like. Surely it doesn’t feel so forced. But still not allowing myself to open up to any ideas of me being anything other than straight. Until a while later after I had graduated from school.
I was 17 and found myself amongst many LGBTQ+ people online and even made a couple friends who were gay and one day one these friends questioned me about if I was sure I was straight and I’ll never forget that pit returning to my stomach and my face feeling so hot and telling her that I wasn’t sure at all. That was the beginning of it for me, I started letting myself question and ponder the idea of me not being straight and from then it was very quick that I realised I wasn’t and that all of these feelings of being uncomfortable around girls was because I liked girls and I felt like that was wrong so I felt uncomfortable being near them and I thought about wanting to be a boy because boys could date girls, that’s how we were told it’s meant to be. All of these things suddenly made so much more sense! It was both relieving and terrifying! I was gay. I now knew that but where do I go from here?
For the next few years I just continued living a straight life in person and an out life online and that was fine for a while until I felt like my real life was fake, not even just with my sexuality but my hobbies, my interests, everything was hidden from those physically around me and with already being a highly anxious person, being myself only online was just making me more and more anxious and so I confided in my closest friend and they were so supportive and didn’t judge at all! That was a turning point for me, I felt like I could do this. I can be gay and it can be okay. However, I still felt a bit ashamed of it or a bit like things would be easier if I was straight. Until I was about 19 and a beautiful scene from this show called Wynonna Earp (don’t know if any of you have ever heard of that before?) popped up on my feed one day and I clicked on it and was introduced to Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp. It was Nicole that caught my attention at first, I was so drawn to this strong woman who was gay and so
completely owned it and she wasn’t defined by that At All! It was her that helped me accept my sexuality completely and decide I want to be like her! I want own this part of me and know that I am so many more things than just “a gay person”.
And then a few years down the line the beautiful actresses who play Nicole & Waverly come out as part of LQBTQ+ community and I felt so much joy it was unreal, it’s hard to describe exactly how I felt but the word “safe” is what comes to mind, I felt safe and at ease and through learning more about them off screen and hearing about their journeys, in all aspects has been the biggest gift, I could never thank them enough for all that they have shown and taught me because now I am 23 and exploring all aspects of myself and being my authentic self more and more everyday and finding my authentic self more and more everyday. I don’t hide my sexuality. I’m not ashamed. I love love, in all of the ways it shows itself.

I am a lesbian.

Hi, I’m Helen and I knew I liked girls to a different level probably in my 7th grade. I knew something was off and fell in love with one of my close friends during high school. At the time I didn’t know the word lesbian (I’m from Cambodia and only knew the word ‘gay’ which I thought can only be use for boys who love boys). So during college I met with my first girlfriend, we met through Facebook. We were together for two years then I broke up with her because I was too scared to get caught and also my parents at the time was forcing me to get married to a guy and I was fucked up inside the head. And I gave in to my parents and agreed to get married at the age of 25. I wasn’t happy, not at all. I lived my life in pretending to be happy. Then I got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful boy. I got divorced when my son turned 3. I couldn’t stand living with a man anymore. My parents didn’t say anything to me but they are embarrassed that I became a widow. Through all these years I still don’t have the courage to come out. I’m now 28 years old and still living in fear of rejection and judgment from my family if they found out that I’m a lesbian. I don’t know if I will ever be brave to come out. I don’t think I can have a happy ending in this life. This is my story.

Lesbian badass

Ever since I knew how to speak, I’ve always been drawn to females and never really to males? I didn’t grow up with a lot of representation so the word lesbian wasn’t very common. Gay was a big word growing up for me however, it was used in very negative connotations and that’s what started the repression part of my sexuality. I repressed it and thought it would just go away, I prayed for hours, I tried everything to make it go away and it wouldn’t. Until one lucky fateful day. Wynnona Earp. Season 1 episode 09. Bury Me With My Guns. One of the first LGBTQ+ couples I’d seen in the media. I was immediately struck. The show helped me realise that what I was wasn’t something bad. It was something beautiful. I was never truly able to accept myself at all before that. And after I told a few friends about it, I realised, I wasn’t alone. The majority of my friends experienced similar things, whether it be gender or sexuality. So I thank Emily Andras from the bottom of my heart for allowing such beautiful representation, and such accurate representation to find its way onto my (cracked-but-still-working) screen. 😀

The Invisible Girl

I think I am actually invisible sometimes.
I think most people think that every now and then.
I was little the first time I felt invisible sitting on a brick wall outside of my church, all the other kids had run to play but I was too tired to play. The adults didn’t even seem to notice I hadn’t made it to the playground.
The thing is I knew then I wasn’t invisible but I still thought it, I still think it.
I do not like putting myself out there.
I slouch when the teacher asks the class a question.
I panic when I don’t understand things.
I panicked when I finally came out to my best friend. I actually don’t even remember what I said to her and I am quite certain that she responded within a minute but that minute felt like forever. In that minute I thought of all the ways my best friend could say she didn’t support me and all the painful ways I would slowly disappear to the person that had stuck by my side since birth.
The truth is even if my friend had said she didn’t support me I would still be me, I would still be gay and I definitely would still be visible.
So here I am.
I haven’t disappeared
And no matter what people say I will never disappear because I have every right to be happy, to find love, to be me.

I’m bisexual

I am bisexual but when I came out of the closet with my parents they didn’t accept it so I had to tell them to “change” but luckily I have people who love me and who support me no matter who I am and encourage me to never stop being who I am.

My name is Melissa, I’m 20 and this is my Rainbow Wave

I always knew that I was different in many ways : I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t “girly” enough, I wasn’t quiet enough, funny enough…. As a child I was proud of what make me different from the others, I was a little girl who loved biology and astronomy, who loved to read everything that fell in my hands. I practically grew up surrounded by boys so I acted like them and loved the same things that they loved : I loved playing soccer, playing in the grass and mud, jumping in puddles and climbing in the trees. And of course the women in my family (my mother, my godmother and my grandmother) disliked it. They wanted me to behave “like a girl”; for them it was not get all dirty by playing in the mud, sit correctly and straight, and most importantly I didn’t have to be loud. I believed that in order to fit in I had to stop being myself. As I grew up and went to middle school I started to shut myself down, I would stop going outside to play with other kids and instead spend hours in my room, reading books and creating stories with my imagination. I became quiet, I barely talked anymore… I kind of disappeared.

I was in 8th grade when I started to question my sexuality. I was never really interested in boys but seeing as every girl was, well I forced myself into being interested. I even had a boyfriend for a few months. So at the beginning of this new year, with a new class I met new people. And I remember noticing this girl in my class. She had the most beautiful eyes I ever saw, they were as blue as the summer sky and I couldn’t stop thinking about her, about the sound of her laugh or the way she smiled when she was talking with her friends. Of course at first I didn’t really thought much about it, I assumed I admired her and just wanted to be like her. Then I realized that I was becoming strangely obsessive with her (not in a weird way, just in the way of a middle school girl with her first crush), I started to look for her in the crowd of middle schoolers and every time I would spot her, I was flustered and lost the track of whatever was happening around me. That’s when I realized that I had a crush on her. At first I tried to deny it as much as I could, but even with all the will in the world, I couldn’t fight these feelings. I was scared and didn’t know what was the meaning of this or to who I could talk about it, so naturally I decided to hide it as best as I could.

Then one day, I was talking with my best friend about this new TV show that we discovered a few weeks ago. She wouldn’t stop talking about this one guy that she find cute and also really hot and I was like ‘Meh I guess he is ok, but like have you seen her ?!” and I launch into a huge rant about this other character. As we join others friends, my mind started to wander back to this conversation. I realized that I talked only about female characters while my best friend talked about the male ones. I thought back on other conversations and I came with this same conclusion every time : I couldn’t stop talking about girls. Later that day at home, I started searching for answers on the internet and fell into the many LGBTQ+ websites and articles. As I learned more and more through different stories of people and put the pieces together, I understood that I was a lesbian.

I came out gradually to my loved ones when I felt that I was ready to share my truth. I’m lucky to have many people supporting me and it helped me accepting myself and be comfortable in my own skin. I learn to be more loud and proud of who I am, to embrace all of what make me different and to make the little girl I once was, proud of the woman I became.

What I want you to take from my story is that you should never let anyone tell you that you need to hide who you are in order to be more like anyone else, because our differences are what makes us beautiful and what make this world so interesting. Even if sometimes things are difficult and you think you will never be able to be yourself, you need to keep going, and be as true to yourself as you can because in the end everything will be worth it. My mom often says “Everything happens for a reason and it will make sense in its own time”, so remember that you are not alone in this and if nobody told you this yet : I am proud of you.

My name is Heather, and this story has been brought to you by the letters L and G, and by the number 9.

When I was around 5 years old I had my first crush/love and her name was Dolly Parton. I thought she was really pretty and a good singer. I used to make believe I was marrying her (If you ever read this, Carl Dean, I hope you find it funny!). I grew up playing with my boy cousins when they weren’t being jerks. I liked running around outside in the dirt. I didn’t like wearing dresses or anything remotely “girly.”

Boys weren’t really on my radar and somewhere along the way I was taught that girls liking girls or boys liking boys was gay and therefore gross and wrong. I got into Tae Kwon Do and was the first girl in my school so obviously I was noticed. During those years I began wanting to having a boyfriend because the thought of holding hands with someone was nice. But sometime in high school I began thinking about girls. Of course I would never tell anyone. It was gross and wrong. But why did I keep thinking about it? Did I have a deathwish?

My first serious boyfriend was Glenn. I was 17 and he was 22. Hold on. Let that sink in for a moment. Now I’ll tell you that this was 1997 when the internet was pretty new and the idea of meeting people from online chatrooms was insane. Yet here this man came from New England to see me and we hit it off. I still can’t believe my parents were okay with it. I guess times were different then. At some point I told Glenn that I sometimes thought about girls. But I wasn’t gay. I still wasn’t gay even when a really pretty girl sent me a pic of herself in her bra. I was really confused and told myself it was bad.

After Glenn I had a bit of a break before the next boyfriend. I was a sophomore in college and pledged a sorority and started making new friends. I fell for one of my sisters. Her name was Tammy and she was so adorable and innocent. I remember one night as I was leaving her suite after a visit she gave me a hug and I just closed my eyes and thought, ‘This is perfect.’ I confided in a few friends that knew how to keep a secret and eventually told Tammy. She said she could love me as a friend and a sister. I was 99% sure it would go nowhere but there was that 1% of hope. I left for the summer, came back in the fall, and then not long after began seeing Billy who I also met online but this time on a dating website.

Initially I looked at Billy’s profile and passed because he was 32 and I was 20. But then he sent me a message so I figured I’d reply and it just went from there. It turned out he went to my college and lived just outside of the town. We were together for three years. I think it lasted that long because he was easy. But I didn’t just want to stick around in my college town when there were other things to experience. Billy was set in his ways and when I realized he would never go with me no matter what, my depression was truly kickstarted. If you’ve ever seen the video for the song “Turn Down For What” then you’ll know what I mean about crashing through the floor.

Next came Erick and that was an exercise in futility but I didn’t want to see it. He would say he loved me but didn’t want a relationship at the moment. Depression and love self-esteem make an option like Erick seem fine because you think you don’t deserve better. We had fun times like online gaming. He introduced me to a couple of games that I would play over the next several years. It was in one of those games that I met the gamechanger in the form of a woman named Deidra.

Deidra was part of a group I would chat with on IRC (Is that even still a thing?) and sometimes hang out in-game with. She openly flirted with me and at first I really did not know how to process it. It was just something I had never seen or experienced. I started crushing on her and eventually I said to myself, “Heather, you need to stop lying to yourself. You are definitely into women.” Deidra was one of the first people I told. Erick was still around and I went to visit him once. But during the whole trip there, all I could think about was Deidra. Erick ended up cutting me loose when I point blank asked if there was any chance of us being together. That was the last time I was ever involved in some fashion with a man. I was 25 years old and began identifying as bisexual.

For the next while I began looking for movies, stories, anything about women loving women. An “L Word” fansite practically saved my life one night when I was feeling so low that I was scared of what I might do. I got involved in that fandom and was able to connect with other women like me and some became friends I still talk to today.

Eventually I began wondering if I even really liked men. I can’t say I didn’t love the men from my past because that would be lying. But then when I really thought about it, whenever I thought of the future, I didn’t see a man beside me. Instead I saw a woman. Today I identify as gay or lesbian and sometimes queer. The idea of being with a man is just not appealing to me anymore.

As of the end of this story I am 41 and have had a couple of girlfriends. Donna* (name changed as she is not out that I know of) I met through the “Wentworth” fandom a few years ago. That didn’t last very long due to distance and other factors. Then there was Cindy* (another changed name but they know who they are) who I met through the “Wynonna Earp” fandom. Even though it didn’t work out they are still a very dear friend of mine. As for who’s next, well, I have no idea. I’ll just have to wait and see.

Oh, and in case you were wondering what the number 9 has to do with anything, it’s my favorite number. It’s almost a perfect 10 but still has some areas to improve upon.

90% Gay

I have known all my life I was attracted to girls. My first memory was telling my mom when I was 4, that I liked my sister’s girl friends. My mother has been aware of my sexuality since I was born. She claims that all my relatives told her that judging by the shape of the belly, I was for sure a boy… well, they weren’t wrong nor right.

In my younger years it was weird. I used to dress like a boy, play sports and so on, so girls wouldn’t be my friends and boys weren’t comfortable with me, because I’m a girl.

When I was a teenager, I changed schools and I was determined to fit and have friends. So I began to embrace my feminine side.

It wasn’t until University that I realized I could be a women attracted to an other women because I met a bunch of gay people.

However, the process was tortuous because I couldn’t face that reality. And I had fought so hard to be “normal”. So it took me a couple of boyfriends to call it quits and stop hiding from me and my feelings.

However, no one except my sister and my mom knew I was gay.

One sunny day I met this girl and I fell madly in love with her. The feelings were so strong, I just couldn’t hide it. One little detail. She was straight. But I will always thank her because, to be able to process all I was feeling for her, I came out to almost everyone in my life.

A year later I met my wife and we’ve been together for 8 years.

However, even though I’m a grown ass woman, I haven’t been able to come out to my father’s very religious family.

My parents are very supportive but they are afraid my relatives could make a bad comment so they keep discouraging me to come out to them. I feel a heavy weight on my stomach because of this. I’m looking forward to just be able to be, without fear of my relatives and hurting my parents.

Being 90% gay means that you’ll keep coming out over and over again. In every doctor’s appointment “are you married? What’s your husband’s name?”, meeting a new colleague, and so on.

That slight fear that digs a hole in my chest each and every single time someone asks about my partner, never seems to go away. But that is just 10% of the time. The other 90% I’m just happy I get to love who I want and most of the people, don’t really care what I do on my free time.