Community Rainbow Waves

Queer

My name is Athena.
P.s sorry if my English is different, I’m Aussie. #RE-UPLOAD
In the beginning of 2017 I started to realise I had feelings for one of my friends (a girl) and I was very confused by it. Although throughout my childhood I had crushes on girls, and knew I did but thought it was normal and fine, which it was but I was told that it wasn’t. After the same sex marriage approval and vote to be legal started l, my parents began to have conversations at the dinner table on why it’s wrong and that they shouldn’t let it happen. I love my parents with all my heart but it did not help me at all with my journey of figuring out who I am and how I identify. So I shut it out my thoughts and feelings for girls out.
In late 2017 I moved schools.
All day long, I’d have this voice in my head, this haunting voice that wouldn’t leave me alone, “your not gay. You not gay. Your not gay. Your not gay.” On repeat.
I would go home crying and not even realise why. I’d stay home and miss school because I was always upset.
It affected me for a really long time until one day I just shut the negativity out like I had done with my feelings.
In late September 2018 when I was 12 ( I know, very young) I realised while watching a Television show (Atypical) with an lgbtq couple in it, that being gay was ok and normal. That liking the same sex was ok. But I was confused for a long time thinking,” Ok I like girls but I also like boys.” What? Is that even possible? Although I knew that my parents wouldn’t agree. So I didn’t tell anyone for a long time.
In the beginning of 2019
I was sitting around a table with about 6 other friends. And one of our friends randomly said that she thinks she’s lesbian. And this wave of shock and somewhat reliefs just came over me. I didn’t say a word but look at her shocked. No one responded besides one of our other friends at the table. She wasn’t too supportive and said some… well, not nice things.
It was later that day when I realised that I’m not the only one, there are others like me, confused.
I hadn’t known what any of the queer terms meant, LGBTQ Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer. I didn’t know anything about it.
Until I decided to text my friend and tell her that i was feeling the same way she was.
She told me that she thinks she’s bisexual and I had no clue whatsoever what she was talking about. So I researched.
For a very long time.
And I decided to label my sexuality as bisexual. A couple months later I told some of my closest friends who I thought would be supportive. Most of them were. And I told my sister who later on told me she’s gay. I wasn’t very surprised
And my sister had told my parents about her being gay.
Although I still wasn’t ready to tell them. I surrounded myself with the people I thought would accept me. Most of them did and were supportive but others, it took a little while for them to accept me.
In my the middle of 2019 I started finding more lgbtq couples and tv shows and became more interested.
And then I found the show that changed my life……
WYNONNA EARP!
This show had a massive positive impact on me. And I am so grateful and lucky to have such an amazing show with an amazing cast. I found the ship couple Wayhaught and instantly fell in love with Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp. I had massive crushes on the two (Still do)
I watched the full three seasons and became obsessed with the show. Telling some of my friends and family about it. And I got one of my friends hooked on it as well.
I then discovered Dominique Provost-Chalkley’s Start The Wave which changed my life.
The way I saw other people, how I looked at the Earth, becoming more interested in climate change, how I should always no matter what, treat people with kindness, forgive and forget, love each and every person that comes into your life, and live with compassion. My love for animals sky rocketed when I watched a few documentaries recommended by Dominique on her Start The Wave.
She inspires me so much to be the best I can be and live with love.
I later on realised that I don’t really feel the need to put a label on myself other than that I am Queer. I’m a young 13 year old queer girl.
Dominique inspired me to come out to my parents. So thats what I did. And I am out to everyone now.
Dominique YOU gave me the courage to come out. And I couldn’t be more grateful to have someone like you in this world that I can look up to. Your coming out story made me ball my eyes out the whole time I had been reading it. Your amazing!
Thank you for being you!
I am queer
I am out
And I am proud
#OutIsTheNewIn

Leanne M.

So i was like, 15ish when i found out i was bisexual. I kinda knew something was different when i was a kid but i never really looked into it until i started an all girls secondary school basically run by nuns. Very exciting. I was around 13 when i seen this one girl who was like 3-4 years older than me. She was one of the most beautiful people i had ever seen and at the time i felt it was odd that i was feeling like that towards her. I introduced myself and we got talking and i basically became her little side kick aka i got completely friend zoned at the ripe age of 13 and i didn’t know it yet because i still believed that one day she’d magically feel the same way. I would then spend the next several years of school feeling like crap because i was told it was wrong to like the same sex because “the bible says it’s wrong and you’re basically in a nunnery so if we catch you doing that stuff we’ll shame you”. My teenage years were a bit rough to say the least with other family related problems going on so i never felt i had the time to actually find out whether i fully liked girls like the way i liked boys or if it was just a phase /girlcrush. That was until i met my ex girlfriend at 17. I had kissed other girls before that but this time was different considering i was of age (as was she) and stuff was bound to happen as we really liked eachother. I realized after my time with her that i do indeed like having a female companion just as much as I like being with a male one. I am in my 20’s now and have been with enough woman in the passed few years to realise i am comfortable with who i am. As much as i dont know fully who i am but then again who 100% knows themselves. Well probably Freddie mercury but he was Freddie mercury so. Anyway, yeah so lesson is don’t let anybody tell you it’s wrong for feeling the feelings you feel and as i always say you’ll never know you like it until you try it.

Bella-no labels needed

I questioned myself in the seventh grade. I am still not out to everyone I know and I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I am going to love whoever I want to and I do NOT need a label on my sexuality. Like everyone says: LOVE IS LOVE I hope everyone else is staying healthy and safe. I thought that I would just come out on here because I find it easier to come out online than in real life. I understand the struggle of staying silent because I have been silent and I just wish the world and people were more accepting than they are right now. ITS 2020 PEOPLE GROW UP!!!. Now hopefully I’ll be able to come out to everyone and then I’ll decide who is really there for me. Sorry this is so long now.

Asexual/Lesbian

I figured out that i’m gay at 15, but I only recently (i’m 19 now) figured out I am actually asexual and romantically attracted to girls. Im pretty much out as gay to most people and I don’t care if people know, sometimes I wish I could constantly have a sign that says I LIKE WOMEN or a tattoo on my forehead or something because I am proud to be attracted to girls, I am not ashamed.

My asexuality on the other hand I’ve been struggling with. I’ve always had the thought at the back of my head that I might of been asexual but I would just brush it off because I didn’t think you could be asexual and attracted to the same gender and I’m definitely attracted to girls. But with the help of Google I found out it is possible to be asexual and still romantically, aesthetically or sensually attracted to people, including people of the same sex.

I’ve still been having abit of a hard time accepting being asexual, sometimes I feel like I’m broken or that something’s wrong with me. My brain really did a full 180, I’ve never felt like this reguarding my sexuality because I’m not ashamed that I’m attracted to girls but at the same time I’m struggling to accept my asexuality.

I was prepared to keep my asexuality a secret because I was scared of telling people but I ended up telling my best friend about it anyway because I was dying to tell someone and he told me that he is the same, not sexually attracted to anyone but still romantically attracted to the same gender. This made me feel so much better about myself and I’ve now told 2 of my other friends about it who have been nothing but supportive. I’m still scared and technically in the closet but I don’t feel as alone, especially reading Doms and everyone else’s stories on here and I hope soon I will be out and proud of my asexuality like I am with my attraction to girls.

Lesbian

i guess i knew i wasnt straight when i was watching greys anatomy and started liking amelia shepherd and lexie grey a little too much. i sort of obsessed over them and realized that wasn’t a thing straight girls did. i tried calling myself bisexual and it worked for a while, but eventually i realized i didn’t really like men the same way i like women. i told one of my close friends, and she encouraged me to tell my other friends. a year and five months ago i came out to my sister, and she said she wasn’t surprised. two weeks later i started dating one of my best friends, and we’ve been together for a little over a year and four months. then, 8 months ago, i came out to my mom. she wasn’t thrilled about me dating at 14, but she really didn’t care that i was gay. now she makes gay jokes with me and tells me to invite my girlfriend over for dinner. i’m glad i got the courage to come out, and im insanely grateful to my family for being so accepting and okay with it. so here i am, typing my story into a website. my name is Hannah and i’m a proud lesbian.

The First Gay of the Rest of my Life

Growing up I always felt different.

This different-ness kept me from having authentic and deep relationships for most of my adolescent and young adult life, before I was even aware of what my “difference” was. I was never fully myself – I had a deep seeded anxiety that I was going to somehow let everyone know this thing that I didn’t even know about myself yet.

When I was 16 I had my first real kiss. I say real because I had kissed a handful of guys and felt a gut-wrenching anxiety before during and after each time. I remember wondering if that’s what the feeling all my friends talked about loving – so why didn’t I love it?

Well my first kiss at 16 told me why. I magically made a new best friend. She somehow rose in the rankings effortlessly in the 3 short weeks that I had known her, getting that coveted “best friend” position. Thinking back on the whole thing makes me smile because as horrifying as it was back then, it’s kinda cute to think about little gay me and how obvious it all was.

At this point I was having fleeting moments of feelings when our hands would touch, or she would lay her head on my shoulder, or she seemed to seek me out the same way I sought her out. These fleeting moments manifested as one of those jolts you get right after you’ve done something embarrassing, or you are carrying a laundry basket down a flight of stairs and think there’s one more stair beneath you but your foot hits the ground too quick. That split-second “oh f***” moment followed by that FULL body halo of heat that disappears just as quickly as it came.

Despite all the signs that were there – I continued to lie to myself and think that these touchy moments and our obsessive need to talk and be around one another and the phone bills from the literal 17,000 texts a month we sent (sorry dad… Also, did I even sleep? ALSO, yes it was long ago enough that you had to pay for texts past a certain amount. I’m showing my age – I digress.) were just the signs of best friendship. So one night she slept over. And as bffs do, we obviously went to bed forehead to forehead holding hands between us because that is just what best friends do, right? Anyway… I could feel her breath on my lips (remember… i was STILL lying to my conscious brain even at this point) and I think my heart rate spiking to the level it did made me actually black out because all of the sudden I opened my eyes and I WAS KISSING HER! I came to just after I had casually kissed my best friend and squeaked out a GOODNIGHT! and rolled over.

I didn’t sleep a M-Fing wink that night. I stared at the wall with my heart in my throat wondering WHY I JUST RUINED MY NEW BEST FRIENDSHIP. Turns out I didn’t. She kissed me the following night and thus ensued a secret 4 year love affair. Yes, I said it… 4 years.

We stayed in the closet together for those four years until I met my first gay friend in college. Coming out to even one person in my life started to make that closet my secret gf and I were in feel really claustrophobic. Eventually we parted ways and I came out to everyone I knew within the next few months. I count my blessings everyday that my coming out was easy for me because I know not everyone experiences it this way. But coming out strengthened my relationship with every single person in my life because the parts of me that no one ever touched were no longer untouchable. I stopped filtering myself (which is also a little detrimental at times) but all of my bonds became stronger because I was letting everyone love me for all of me. All the parts of me.

My story is longer than that but I’ll get off my soap-box for now.

Also to everyone terrified out there – find your one person. Even if you aren’t ready to tell the world and even if it’s a stranger online. Tell your person because even being your true self to just one person can make a huge difference. That being said – it’s okay to not be ready. When you are ready though… you’ve got an army waiting for you.

-Mo

Bi

Growing up in a catholic community, i had no idea of what it was meant to be gay. Sure, i have gay guy friends, but never girls who were one. I used to not to care of what i wore, cause i didnt have the luxury for new clothes. I only had what i have from hand me downs or ones i got years and years back. I tried to be friends with either gender. I wanted to ba part of something. But there came a time when people judged you for the way you dress and it was just hell for me. I got bullied and i was not part of any group, i was an outcast. It was hard, but a year later, i decided to suddenly blurt out my boy crush (of course i had a crush for boys) little by little, people began to forget the rumors of me being “tomboy”. My new found friends gave me clothes and chose what i should wear and that was it, i wasnt an outcast anymore without that label. In college, when experimentation began. I found that i was attracted too in women, but i hid and hid. I asked myself one time, am i really into women too? So i dated a guy and almost got taken advantage without my consent. Thug life. Men only wanted me for sex i thought, so i started dating women in secret, having relationships in secret. I had bi friends and lesbian friends but i really didnt have the guts to say i was one of them. Even when i started working, i was really scared of that label of that brand that people may say, but i cant stay in the closet forever. Slowly i opened up, whilst told close confidants only, who i trust the most. I felt relieved after all the hinding. I decided then to take a post graduate course, i still had relationships in and out, but more i found out about of myself. Indeed, love takes in many forms. Its in Happiness and sadness, its in pride and self doubt, its in all people. And the one you fall for, doesnt really need to conform the norms of the society. You love the person because of the peoson, not their gender or what others may say. Im just partially out of the closet, sticking half my body out,. Honestly, some of my family knows, but not straight from me. Well, i just hope in time id be able to have the courage to be trully free. I am happy now with my partner, and more comfortable of my sexuality. Greatful for people like you who share their thoughts and experiences.

Take care everyone,
Doc WW

An unhappy story with a happy beginning

I was 12-13 years old

I started to really notice that I was not like my female friends ( talking about boys they liked, how they dressed, how they presented themselves). I always just attributed it to being a “tomboy”. I mean, I didn’t even really know what being a lesbian was at that time. So then their was 13 year old me, finding out that the real reason I would always develop feelings for all my female friends and never feeling that same way towards any of my guy friends was because I was in fact gay.

At the time of that realization, being gay was alway talked about in a negative light; that it was something to be teased and made fun of for. Even my closest friends and family were always making “gay jokes”. Not necessarily at someone else’s expense, but definitely in a way that would scare me more and more into the closet. And to make matters worse, during this time was also when I learned about Mathew Shepard.

I distinctly remember watching an episode of the Ellen degeneres show. On the show that day, she was talking to Mathew’s mother. She talked about her son and the horrible things that were done to him because he was gay. I remember weeping and shaking in fear. Fear that if I ever came out that I might be faced with the same cruelty. So I kept it a secret.

Cue the many years of anxiety and depression.

Being a 13 year old girl was hard enough. So now add in my crippling fear of what might happen if someone found out I was gay. I tried so hard to convince myself that I was actually attracted to men. but it seemed that every time I would tell myself that being with a man wouldn’t be so bad, I would get so sad. Like all the color in the world was obliterated and I was left with this dark, cold world that I felt I didn’t belong too. And unfortunately those dark feelings lead to dark thoughts. I remember always telling myself that I would kill my self before I’d tell anyone. I hated myself for who I was and I hated myself even more for not being able to change who I was.

I couldn’t understand why I felt so scared for so long. Times were changing and I could see all of the progress that was being made at the time. Granted, their was still some work to be done, but progress nonetheless. Looking back on it now, I was actually one of the lucky ones. I had amazing parents. My dad who was ever open minded to all walks of life and a mom who would do anything just to see me happy and safe. Neither one of them would turn their back on me for being gay. Instead, they love me unconditionally. But I still always had that “what if” in the back of my mind. What if I’m wrong about them. What if this is the one thing that breaks the camels back. What if.

These thoughts and feelings went on for years. They got so bad that I began feeling physical pain. I could handle it anymore. So at 15 I attended suicide.

I won’t get to far into the details of it, but afterwards I remember just looking at myself in the mirror. I looked for so long. Looking for the reason I was still here.

It dawned on me that I was still here for my mom and dad. But I was also still here for my little brothers and all the people who truly care about me. I was also here for the chance that maybe one day their will be someone who is in the same place I was and the only thing standing in the way them and the same bad choice I made was proof that light will shine on them through the cracks of the dark room they are in for now. Was I ready to come out yet? No! But I was ready to start loving myself.

It took a lot of work, but eventually I got to a place where I was feeling ready to step out of the closet. I had it all planned out too. I was about to graduate from high school and it was going to be my graduation gift to myself.

However.

Two days before graduation, my mother passed away unexpectedly. I was more lost than I was ever before. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe; even getting out of bed was an impossible task. Revealing my truth way put on the back burner for the time being. But time just went on and on and I still just hadn’t told anyone that I was gay. Not because I was ashamed of it or anything but because I just didn’t see the point in it anymore. I grieved for years, shit I still do. My mom was my hero. Out of every one in the world, I was more excited to share this part of myself with her the most. I missed my chance though and I will regret that for the rest of my life.

Now. The day I finally decided to come out to someone, I had not planned it out at all. The opportunity was there and I just fuck it, nothing could be more painful than what I’ve been going through with the loss of my mom. So essentially I really have nothing to lose.

The first person I told was my best friend. This guy really knows everything about me. He always had his suspicions, but he alway wanted me to feel comfortable enough with myself to say anything. But when I finally did tell him, he almost didn’t believe me. When I finally convinced him he said, ” well shit! What the hell took you so long!” He followed it up by saying ” I’m proud of you and I love you no matter what.”

For the first time since I was 13, I felt like I could really breathe again. That first breath I took after telling him brought me to tears. Not to sound cheesy or anything, but I felt alive! Little by little I started telling more people. Once I told just about everyone, the only one left to tell was my dad. I started to feel a little bit of that old familiar fear when I thought about telling him. I just couldn’t get the words out. But on June 26,2015 ( the same day the marriage equality act was passed in Congress) it was like the universe was telling me that now was a better time than any.

I waited all day for him to come home from work. The whole time I was giving myself pep talks. When he finally got home, I instantly started shaking. I was so nervous. He could tell that their was something wrong with me. He asked if I was okay. With tear filled eyes and a shaky voice, I said it, ” dad, I’m gay.”
He rapped his arms around me and said, “I know! And mom knew too.” That was the most comforting feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. He went on to tell me that they could both tell that I was gay, even when I was little. Jokingly I said I wish they would have made me aware of that. He told me that they wanted me to be comfortable and ready enough for myself to say something.

Ever since I have come out, life in itself, has been a million times better. I no longer fear the world knowing my truth. The air is sweeter and the world has color again. My life didn’t end because I came out of the closet. Instead I got a happy beginning to a life I am so eager to live.

Well I’m gay…

Hello first. I am an 18 year old girl who is gay. I come from a Jewish family from Berlin. My parents are Russians, so they’re not the most open people anyway. Actually, I knew pretty early that I wasn’t really into boys, but my whole environment was absolutely against lgbt +. In general, everything that was different. So I hid my feelings and was very unhappy. Until I started looking at wynonna Earp and saw how many people had feelings similar to mine. And then I finally came out. It was very liberating for me, but the reactions were really not great. I mean my parents yelled at me first and called me a disappointment. Some of my siblings had no problem with it, but some kept their distance from then on. When I told my best friend she didn’t really have a bad reaction (I thought). but suddenly she blocked me everywhere and never spoke to me again. But it was worth it. I found new friends who accept me for who I am and I never have to hide again. I thank you Dominique. I don’t think I would have had the courage to come out without you , the show and without this community.

Lesbian

I’m closed Lesbian. I’m living in the country is strictly Illegal for LGBTQ. But I’m happy with who I am.