Community Rainbow Waves

Bisexual or probably pansexual?

I am not fully out yet. Sometime, I still need to shield my sexual identity for several different reasons. First, maybe because I don’t really want to be labelled. Second, perhaps just simply out of fear.

Hi, I am from Indonesia. I am at my 40s, and I am a single mom. I had came out as bisexual in small circle of my friends & fam a long ago, but it wasn’t because I was feeling anxious or “awaken” to my queer side. It was purely that time out of curiosity and adventurous sense.

I was in highschool when I read Freud’s. I came to conclusion that somehow everyone born with both male/female potential in them. I began to notice my own, and tried to explore that part by admitting that my past attraction to the same-sex was not mere platonic or so so. It was the same kind with my attraction to the opposite-sex. It also brought me to revisit my childhood girl crush when I was in 2nd grade junior high (12/13 y.o.) which I did not fully aware that I was making a courtship attempt toward her that time.

In highschool, after opening the lock to my universal self – and let me free to identify myself as sexually fluid, I started flowing with same-sex crush, though not doing anything about it.

There was no different, come to think about it now, between my feeling to girl before I am aware of my sexuality and after admitting it. The feeling were the same, but by making a name on myself, I then know how to name the feeling as well. “I had crush with girl”.

Despite so, I did not make any attempt to experience. It was pretty rare for me being bisexual in my small city, with no meeting of the same type of peer, and honestly I didn’t feel comfortable either to be involved or being identified marginal in society.

I am an aquarius, my choice is not to be identified with others, I am just being honest with myself and simply being me. So my sexual identity is MY identity, my choice, my own – yet I didn’t feel the need to act on it.

Later in my life, after my first divorce when I was in my early 20th, I decided to explore the notion of love. I was thinking that I had never experienced feeling in love before, as my head was focused on goal and success. But being a divorcee revealed the need for me to understand love. So again, I made my exploration and adventure. Brought up in conventional and religious environment, I started to experience the pre-marital sex with few men, and I also embraced the feeling of falling in love for the first time with my female friend. Nothing went well (nothing last).

Then in my late 20, I got pregnant. A consequence of my wild free spirited. The guy wanted me to get an abortion as he was married and with me it mere a fling. But never crossed in my mind to take that journey. I was ready to be responsible so I refused. I asked him to marry me instead for the sake of the future born child (as it was mere for legal sake) – he did, for a while, before then he ran away when I was 8 months pregnant.

My course of life changed of course being a single parent. Wanted to build my future success again, I also took a shift in career-wise. I moved to a village as a general practitioner (medical doctor), a stepping stone to collect fund to continue education. I left my son with parents. This decision, would be the milestone of my love life as a queer.

There I met a colleague. A “straight” wife. We found the attraction quite instantly. Divorced her abusive husband, we started “living together”. We had an affair during that time in a scrutinized village environment. I was not scared, I even brought her to meet my family and admitted her as my lover to my best friends. I met her family too, but everything was mere an “unspoken truth” to them.

Not like me, she was not fully embraced her sexuality. To her she was not ready to live truthfully within bigotry society. She chose to leave and marry man.

It was the first time that Love trully changed my life and forced me to go on self journey to find out more about who I am. It was also the first time I realized that I may love woman more than a man. My sexual exprience with her was off the chart. I never felt it before with men. I never realized this before.

When Dom (before coming out) shared her opinion the difference between intimacy with male vs female, I relate to that 100%. It was exactly how I said it a long ago, it was also later how I felt when I finally being sexual with same-sex.

Now, I am just a Self. Enjoying my singlehood. Still looking for my truelove/soulmate/twinflame. Not yet decided for sure if I want to be identified publicly as queer. And fully occupied in planning for my future career as again I make an “adventure” toward it after many defeats.

Nevertheless, I want to send lots of love to people who is unique and marginal. Who are unable to see themselves fit the norm or societal tagged. I believe that we all one, the spark of the Universal Mind, the spark of the Divine Love. I believe that we all chosen to learn and to let others learn about love, inclusivity & diversity. I believe that love is love and that love is “God”.

I wish one day, I gain the opportunity and time to join the “wave”. Be part of the community who fight for the values I mentioned above. For now, I am happy within my shell, watching you guys creating your momentum in life.

Love, light.

Anonymous – Pansexual

I knew I was part of the community when I was 7 because I had crushes on both genders but I was scared to tell anyone and specifically my family. And I am still scared to tell my family to this day. Unfortunately, because of this barrier / secret I have, I became emotionally distant from them since I was around 13. I told a couple of my close friends when I was 15-16 and they were all accepting of it. Luckily I lived in a diverse city but my immediate family / community are very close minded. Growing up, although my friends knew, I didn’t really have a community I can rely on. So, I’m so glad to have found Wynonna Earp because Earpers and the community helped me discover and accept who I am. I was scared to even say the phrase “I am queer” to anyone before Earpers. Now, I say it quite often and hopefully one day I will have the courage to say it to my family. So, thank you Earpers and Wynonna Earp for the community.

Queer

My name is Athena.
P.s sorry if my English is different, I’m Aussie. #RE-UPLOAD
In the beginning of 2017 I started to realise I had feelings for one of my friends (a girl) and I was very confused by it. Although throughout my childhood I had crushes on girls, and knew I did but thought it was normal and fine, which it was but I was told that it wasn’t. After the same sex marriage approval and vote to be legal started l, my parents began to have conversations at the dinner table on why it’s wrong and that they shouldn’t let it happen. I love my parents with all my heart but it did not help me at all with my journey of figuring out who I am and how I identify. So I shut it out my thoughts and feelings for girls out.
In late 2017 I moved schools.
All day long, I’d have this voice in my head, this haunting voice that wouldn’t leave me alone, “your not gay. You not gay. Your not gay. Your not gay.” On repeat.
I would go home crying and not even realise why. I’d stay home and miss school because I was always upset.
It affected me for a really long time until one day I just shut the negativity out like I had done with my feelings.
In late September 2018 when I was 12 ( I know, very young) I realised while watching a Television show (Atypical) with an lgbtq couple in it, that being gay was ok and normal. That liking the same sex was ok. But I was confused for a long time thinking,” Ok I like girls but I also like boys.” What? Is that even possible? Although I knew that my parents wouldn’t agree. So I didn’t tell anyone for a long time.
In the beginning of 2019
I was sitting around a table with about 6 other friends. And one of our friends randomly said that she thinks she’s lesbian. And this wave of shock and somewhat reliefs just came over me. I didn’t say a word but look at her shocked. No one responded besides one of our other friends at the table. She wasn’t too supportive and said some… well, not nice things.
It was later that day when I realised that I’m not the only one, there are others like me, confused.
I hadn’t known what any of the queer terms meant, LGBTQ Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer. I didn’t know anything about it.
Until I decided to text my friend and tell her that i was feeling the same way she was.
She told me that she thinks she’s bisexual and I had no clue whatsoever what she was talking about. So I researched.
For a very long time.
And I decided to label my sexuality as bisexual. A couple months later I told some of my closest friends who I thought would be supportive. Most of them were. And I told my sister who later on told me she’s gay. I wasn’t very surprised
And my sister had told my parents about her being gay.
Although I still wasn’t ready to tell them. I surrounded myself with the people I thought would accept me. Most of them did and were supportive but others, it took a little while for them to accept me.
In my the middle of 2019 I started finding more lgbtq couples and tv shows and became more interested.
And then I found the show that changed my life……
WYNONNA EARP!
This show had a massive positive impact on me. And I am so grateful and lucky to have such an amazing show with an amazing cast. I found the ship couple Wayhaught and instantly fell in love with Nicole Haught and Waverly Earp. I had massive crushes on the two (Still do)
I watched the full three seasons and became obsessed with the show. Telling some of my friends and family about it. And I got one of my friends hooked on it as well.
I then discovered Dominique Provost-Chalkley’s Start The Wave which changed my life.
The way I saw other people, how I looked at the Earth, becoming more interested in climate change, how I should always no matter what, treat people with kindness, forgive and forget, love each and every person that comes into your life, and live with compassion. My love for animals sky rocketed when I watched a few documentaries recommended by Dominique on her Start The Wave.
She inspires me so much to be the best I can be and live with love.
I later on realised that I don’t really feel the need to put a label on myself other than that I am Queer. I’m a young 13 year old queer girl.
Dominique inspired me to come out to my parents. So thats what I did. And I am out to everyone now.
Dominique YOU gave me the courage to come out. And I couldn’t be more grateful to have someone like you in this world that I can look up to. Your coming out story made me ball my eyes out the whole time I had been reading it. Your amazing!
Thank you for being you!
I am queer
I am out
And I am proud
#OutIsTheNewIn

Bisexual

I became aware mostly thanks to a very open minded friend while we were in middle school, she had an account in Tumblr and she recommended the app to me, while she was teaching me how to use it she told me “here we all are anonymous and you can even delete your search history” and this gave me my first step to look for the queer community because I wasn’t being monitored by my parents and there I realized so many people were happy with having different sexualities and I came to realize I liked girls as I liked boys and it broke me at first ‘cus I was already bullied so I didn’t want to add a stone to it, so I mostly just buried it and only made some side comments to the same friend who introduced me to Tumblr, on my last year of middle school this friend asked me if I didn’t have a crush in one of our girl friends and I denied it completely and went home but that comment bugged me a lot so I kind of did a little of soul searching at the tender age of 14 and accepted that I liked this girl and basically cried on the phone while talking with my friend about it and she helped me out to a stand point were even if I didn’t want to make it public I accepted that I was different.
That lasted about 3 months because a guy who mocked me found out by eavesdropping my conversation and he kicked me out of the closet to my whole generation and it felt like the end of the world! I haven’t even come out to my mom and my whole school already knew! Thankfully, no one cared and the ones who cared didn’t have a problem with it and they help me control the panic and the kid was expelled of the school.
After it came high school, I started it being more comfortable with being bisexual and I found this little web series called “Carmilla” which help me see such amazing characters being so casual about their likes that I started to get a little of confidence, then I was recommended this weird series called “Wynnona Earp” and well, the rest is history, I came out to my mom by accident and she had a little melt down for a few weeks but it ended well, she has even come with me to the Pride Parade this last few years, my dad was chill and was just glad I figured out early so I could be happy and my mom told everyone in my family by being overly enthusiastic, at the end I’m just glad I have the support of my family and friends and now I’m 19, ready to face the world one step at a time 😀

Lesbian

When I was fourteen I came out to my mother after I’ve been pretty sure that I was gay for a year or so. But she reacted the total opposite way of what I was expecting… saying that “it’s just a phase and I was too young to know stuff like this, I just haven’t met the right boy yet.” And that I was “lucky she wasn’t goint to tell my father about it.” Skipping to 2019, as I finally had the guts to institutionolize myself into a psychiatry after almost ten years of major mental health issues, I tried to be brave once again and come out to my mother. She apologized for the way she reacted back then and fully supports me in every desicion I make in my new out and proud life. It’s partly thanks to you, Dominique, and all the other actors who represented the queer community during this tough period of my life, that I am still alive today and grateful for every day I have on this earth. <3

Take time to love yourself. Remember that. Always.

Well, time that i’ve felt that I am “different” for some, is pretty much equal to my age. And I am 27 years old. Growing up as a girl in small village where all my playmates were boys mostly my age and a bit older – it was hard. I used to look like a little boy for some time before I went to school, but a lot of kids gets their gender mixed up, right?
My parents, who actually are homophobic, used to “joke” around and asked me if I am going to marry a girl or a boy. I remember that I really-really hated that “joke”. Because I was really confused. Mostly because the equality. Boys always got awesome toys, they were allowed to go play whereever they want whenever they want, they were allowed to choose which girl they like, are they going to marry “love of their life” and who they are going to be when they grow up. I wanted those thing. Not to be boy, but to be equal. To choose my own path.
Today, I am single, I have no children. By my own choice. And I live in a place where people around me find that “my choice” is wierd and wrong. Because “standard” is marriage, kids and lower salary for same jobs that men have. “No boyfriend and with short hair -must be a lesbian” I hear people say…
But am I bi/gay/queer? Today I am human. I like other humans. I have felt and still feel love and attraction towards both men and women. If others find that it means that I have a label attached somewhere that says “bi”, then it is okay.
I have made my peace with it now. But it took me solid 25 years to make peace with .. myself. But to we really need to label eachother anything else but “human”?
I am open to love whatever shape or size it will arrive in my life. Maybe “it” is already here with me.
So, I came out to myself. I am human. No coming-out-party or post in social media, just me, on my own in my happy place. Accepting me.
Have I told my family and friends that I like /love both men and women?
Not to my family, because they figured it out before I did, right? (You know, “who you’re going to marry and stuff…) But I have never really had “the talk” or talked about my partners. Big family events – I have always attended alone. And since they are mostly homophobic, I do not feel the need to feed their hate. They are dear to me, but they don’t understand that love and attraction is between humans, not between genders. And that there is no “right” and “wrong” in love – we love our friends, families, pets, followers, fans… our partners in life. So I’m a “little rebel” in my family.
My closest friends know that I am open to love in any shape and size. I chose to tell them because they matter. Today they are my chosen family.
“Be who you are and say what you mean, because those who mind, do not matter and those who matter, do not mind” – I had that quote on my wall for years. (But I don’t know by who it is originally). It really helped me to accept myself.
I hope that there will be a time when girls and boys at all ages can say to their friends and families that they have found love of their life – same sex or not – and not be judged, or hated, or bullied, or even physically hurt, because believe it or not, making peace with yourself is challenging enough in todays society. And by hurting a human being, who is already struggling – it breaks and kills beautiful souls. Be kind. Start The Wave.

Non-Binary

I’ve always known I was different. I grew up being a “tomboy”, playing sports, playing in the dirt. I also grew up doing dance and loving makeup. I came out as a lesbian at 16. Navigating that world was a tremendous journey. I still didn’t feel like that’s where I belonged. Fast forward 10 years and I discovered what it meant to be non-binary. Nothing has ever felt like it fit more than when I heard that for the first time. I came out as non-binary at 26. This opened an entirely different world to me. I met some really incredible people and actually felt like I finally belonged. Fast forward 2 more years and I’m now 28 and I’m out as a non-binary trans human who identifies as queer. I truly believe love can solve anything. Being part of the queer community opened my eyes to so many things and I truly believe I’m a better human because of it.

Proud Bisexual

I knew when I was a freshman in high school. I was in love with my best friend. We never tried a relationship. I was torn. It was a hard process for family acceptance. It’s been a constant struggle. I continue to be out and proud and love who I love. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years. It’s my first same sex relationship. We’re slowly coming out to everyone and being proud of who we’re with.

Bella-no labels needed

I questioned myself in the seventh grade. I am still not out to everyone I know and I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I am going to love whoever I want to and I do NOT need a label on my sexuality. Like everyone says: LOVE IS LOVE I hope everyone else is staying healthy and safe. I thought that I would just come out on here because I find it easier to come out online than in real life. I understand the struggle of staying silent because I have been silent and I just wish the world and people were more accepting than they are right now. ITS 2020 PEOPLE GROW UP!!!. Now hopefully I’ll be able to come out to everyone and then I’ll decide who is really there for me. Sorry this is so long now.

Don’t dream your life, live your dream!

I would never have believed that my childhood dream of becoming an actress, would lead me to reconsider my sexual orientation …

While I was looking for inspiration to play a crazy girl with a gun and a lesbian for audition scenes to try to get into a drama program, here Google offered me “Wynonna Earp”. After listening to a few excerpts, I was too intrigued to stop there … Something strange happened in me when I saw Wayhaught for the first time … My heart was racing and i wanted more. This new feeling had something euphoric and strange at the same time …

At the beginning, I rented the season one only for my auditions, always looking for inspiration to embody a romantic feeling that I have never felt. Then, from episode 2 to episode 9, while I realized more and more that I was not indifferent to Wayhaught, the famous scene of the first kiss made me realize that what was possible for Waverly was possible for me too … no matter what my family thought I was by the way I be or act …

It happened in January this year and I didn’t always go out, because I don’t think I should since we don’t have to define ourselves publicly by our sexual orientation … Maybe it is motivated by the fear of revealing myself … I am already disabled so what kind of strange person and actress I would be in the eyes of people if in addition to being a “Tomboy” physically disabled, I was queer …

If the path to full acceptance of myself is still under construction, I tell myself that publishing this rainbow wave is a good start!

Now that I have said everything to you, I return to look at Wynonna and Wayhaught … only as inspiration for my auditions.

Looking forward to being on your screen as a proud disabled actress and queer.