Community Rainbow Waves

Loops in my head

I would say I am quite a private person. I don’t cry in front of people and don’t share everything with my friends. I think that’s why I’m finding it hard to accept that I might be gay. It’s even hard to write the word as I’ve never said it out loud to myself or written it down. It just sounds so weird and unfamiliar and not me. I think I worry a lot about being judged and I try to stop myself but I just can’t help but worry about what other people think of me. I’ve tried to be relaxed and wear whatever I want out the house and say what music I like but I don’t even like sharing my playlist with people as I feel like they will judge me. It sounds stupid but it’s just what I worry about.
The main thing that made me think that I might be gay is this girl I met when I was 13. I didn’t have feelings for her then but I was definitely nervous around her and I wanted her to like me. Maybe I wanted to be her, I’m not quite sure. When I was around 16 (I’m 17 now) I started to imagine kissing her. I wasn’t even considering that I might be gay they were just these thoughts inside my head I couldn’t get rid of. I started to imagine all of these different scenarios where we would be together and have a secret relationship. I still think about those scenarios now and they just play on loop constantly in my head. I’m supposed to be studying but I just sit there for several hours straight just thinking about her. She is so beautiful. I could never say anything to her. I would be too nervous, I don’t think I could ever say it to her. I haven’t actually seen her in a year. Can be so obsessed with someone you haven’t even seen in a year? I feel like in some of the scenarios I am making stuff up about her that I don’t even know. I’m not sure if I’m obsessed with her or just really want a girlfriend. I just don’t know and haven’t even accepted to myself that I am gay because it just seems to foreign and something I’ve only been considering for the past 4 months. I just like her so much. Sometimes I have said to myself ‘yes you’re gay’ but then later at dinner with my family I’m thinking ‘ could you actually confindebtoy day you’re gay? Are you really gay?’ And then I start questioning it all over again. It just such I hard thing to think about and accept. I feel like I have control over certain things in my life like school grades and how well I can play the piano and my 5k times. But I don’t have control over this. It’s not a clear cut thing, it is something I am thinking about constantly but not actually getting anywhere. I kind of know deep down that I am gay but I just can’t accept it in my head.
I know my family and friends would be accepting if I came out but I’m not too worried about coming out at the moment. I’m just thinking about if I’m actually gay and just thinking how stuff would change. No one in my life has any idea that I might be gay. It would be a shock to people if I said I was gay. A friend I love known since I was 3 came out last year. I heard through one of my friends that she had a girlfriend. I was really surprised and didn’t see it coming at all. I didn’t talk to her that much but we are still really good friends. I went for walk with her today and I just thought I could ask her how she came out and how she knew she was gay but I’m just too nervous to ask. I know she would be fine with me asking but then she might suspect I’m gay and I don’t even know myself. I think she would be the first person I might tell if I come out. Or maybe just talk to. Although I don’t think I could do that. I feel like I would have to have completely decided in my head before telling anyone. I feel like I don’t want to appear vulnerable and talk about my feelings to anyone. I just want to think about it without anyone knowing.
I have read a few coming out stories where they have said they felt gay feelings at like 8/9 and I feel like I never related to that. But when I started to think about it more, I did in year 8 have this sudden flash of feelings for this girl in my year. I remember almost laughing at myself like you don’t really have feelings for a girl and blamed it on the book I was reading that had a gay couple in it so it was on my mind. But thinking back to that, I did actually have gay feelings at about 12 but I just buried it straight away. Now I have been thinking about it more, even when watching tv, I do find that I am more attracted to the girls in the relationship. I just think to myself ‘I would rather go out with the girl rather than the guy’. in those moments I feel like surely I’m gay. It just feels so foreign and not me. But I think it’s because I just haven’t properly considered it and at the moment I just can’t see myself announcing to the world that I’m gay. But I know I have all these feelings and I still can’t stop thinking about this girl. It’s not like I try and stop myself thinking about it or tell myself it’s wrong. It’s just that it makes me debate in my head ‘am I really gay?’ ‘Do I really have feelings for this girl or is it something you’re just making up in your head?’ I do want to accept it but I just don’t even have the confidence to say it to myself and I don’t even know why. I think it’s because I always thought of myself as ‘normal’ as I do well in school, like sport, play piano and I feel like my parents see me as normal and straight forward and just a standard girl, not to sound too boring but just as a normal person. And I just feel admitting this to myself or anyone else would make me not normal. I think that just scares me. No one suspects this at all so I feel like I can hide it but I don’t want to shove all my feelings down forever as it’ll just stress me out. Anyway, this is the first time I have written any of this down. My heart still jumps whenever I write the word gay but slightly less than the start of this so maybe you could call that progress 🙂

I identify as transgender non-binary and bisexual

When I was around 13, i started to figure out that I wasn’t really straight. Something just felt wrong by saying that I was going to be a beautiful woman who is going to marry a man and have children and all that.
I started doing some researches about it, and I told myself that I was a bisexual woman. I stayed closeted for around a year before coming out to my parents as gay, wich felt more right than “bisexual” since I couldn’t picture myself as a woman dating a man.
So here I was, out and proud. Yet, something still felt wrong. When I was 14, I started watching some FTM transition video. I was so obsessed with those kind of videos, I couldn’t explain why at the beginning. I watched documentaries, tv shows, movies and everything until I realised that I wasn’t a woman either.
But calling myself “a man” was not right. And, as I kept searching, dysphoria started hitting.
Day after day, and without being able to explain why, the way I looked in the mirror felt less and less like me. One day, I found the definition of non-binarity, and it was it.
I am not a woman, but I am not a man either. I am me.
At 15, one month after my birthday, I came out to my parents as genderqueer, and I asked them to change my pronouns and name. Now, I am Charlie, and my pronouns are he/him.
About my sexuality, it as changed a lot with time. From a straight girl, I am now a self-made person who is going to fall in love someday, no matter what gender that person will be.
I am in a constant evolution and today I am proud of who I am.

Just your regular girl who likes girls

I knew when i was younger that I’ve always felt different, I would only hang out with the boys in my class in would find it way easier to talk to them. But when it came to girls, I always became shy and felt kinda wierd. Now 4/5 years later I know what it is. I like girls. As easy as it sounds, but it isn’t always easy. My coming out was really nice but unexpected though… my two best friends (both girls) were joking with me because I’m always really curious. So one day they said they had some secret of some sorts, I kept on asking what it was and in the end they said that they were dating. And I freaked out, in a good way though. I said to them that I support them no matter what is happening. Then one of them said if I had to tell them something (as in am i gay), and I said yes and I tild them my story and that I had been struggling a lot with it just a few months before it. Lucky for me they were so supportive, i was really shaking when i told them because it was the part that i’ve hidden for almost my whole life. And on top of that, one of them also came out after I told them (lets just call her Laura for example). Laura told me she had been struggling with the same thing… After that we talked the whole night about. It was probably the best thing that could’ve happened. I haven’t come out to my family yet but i think they and actually know that they know because it’s pretty clear. I know that my parents are going to be fine about it, but I don’t know how Laura her parents going to react. They are really religious, but that isn’t my story to tell.

So I’ll introduce my self real quick…
I’m Karlijn, I’m 15 years old and I am Gay
And I’m proud of it!
If you ever want to talk to me about your situation, I’m pretty much always awake so hmu at @karlijn_dmooij on ig. Because I’m here for you

I’m bisexual with a chick bent.

I’m bisexual with a chick bent. I discovered myself as such when I entered my first year of high school. Our sexual orientation, we’ve had it since birth. It’s just that it can take time to discover ourselves and to assume it, and to say it around us when the urge comes to us. Even though I’m almost 17, I haven’t told my family yet because I’m afraid of their reaction (even if I assume it completely). Only my friends know it and for the moment it’s enough for me. I will surely tell them when I turn 18 with the freedom of a young adult. You shouldn’t deny yourself or be afraid of being because of what you are deep down inside. It is preferable to look for yourself to be the most beautiful person possible. What I just wrote may not be understandable with my spelling mistakes and everything else 😅 but for the moment I feel happy. I hope this text will help other people because time is an eternal present.

Sweet Queer Missy

I knew I was a bit different in high school when my friend had her first boyfriend. I realized I was jealous he got to be her the way I wanted to be with her. This really scared me, and I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I tried dating as many boys as possible to prove nothing was wrong with me. When I went away to college I was blessed to discover an LGBT group on campus. I started going to meetings and became friends with other people like me. I met my first girlfriend shortly after, and experienced my first heartbreak when she broke up with me for a guy. After college I had another stage where I became scared and confused because I found myself attracted to a guy, to a trans woman, feminine women, and tomboys. After seeing sooooo many people now not afraid to live their truth, I am finally comfortable in my own skin and being my true self. I like the term queer because it says I am open to love. I don’t know who that may be with……man, woman, gender fluid…..but I am open to it. Love is love. Thank you to everyone out there shining a beacon of hope for others.

Lesbian

Hi my name is Belen and I struggled with finding my sexuality and who i was all throughout middle school and the beginning of high school. I am 16 years old and i came out to my mom at 15 on November 11th 2019 and then came out to my dad in February of 2020. It took me a while to come to terms with me liking girls and hated myself for a while because of it. It was a big struggle that i had to overcome and i am very proud of myself for finally being able to be my true self and be proud of who i am and how far i have come.

A discombobulated female that is into girls

It never completely dawned on me that it wasn’t socially ‘normal’. Both my parents had never shown a liking to the community but never expressed directly that they hated it either. We moved house a lot when I was younger cause of their work, so I got to see so many different cultures and ways of living.

I first got the impression that I was (in some ways) different when I was in secondary school. My favourite teacher did an assembly on LGBTQ+ topic, and ended it by coming out (subtly). A few months later I was questioning her on all things GAY! How to know if I was gay, if other people could tell etc. I ended up coming out as lesbian in year 9, and from then I noticed an increase in my confidence and self-respect. Most of my friend were extremely supportive giving me even more reasons to be proud.

I came out to my parents a month ago, 2 years after my first big announcement. I was only able to do this because of my amazing teacher guiding me through the hate crowd we call a society. She is the reason I can stand up to people and admit that I am a lesbian.

I want this to show that support and knowledge about LGBTQ+ matters and can make someone change from a nervous 11 year old with a stutter to a strong(ish) 16 year old.

I haven’t had a long battle with my sexuality and sometimes I am told that I’m not ‘old enough’ to know what I want. BUT I am proud of me and my community 🙂