Community Rainbow Waves

Confused

Hi , I’m a 17 year old girl and I don’t know really what I am or who I like .I guess I haven’t lived a life full of experiences yet and to be honest I’ve never experienced love . But not knowing who I am has caused me to be severely stressed , I feel like I’m holding this constant weight and judgement on my shoulders . I am constantly aware of what the people around me think in regards to what I am watching or reading . It’s so tiring and frustrating . And I feel guilty for not having the same bravery and courage as many others . I am basically unsure as to who i like and I guess what label I should put upon myself . Ive liked boys in the past but I’ve recently starting liking girls . Even now writing that sentence made me feel like I should instantly delete it , exit the tab and move on. I am in this early stage of my life where I’m just not ready or happy enough to tell this truth to myself and the people I am surrounded by.
How can I understand life and all it’s treasures if I can’t even learn to understand myself . I wish i just didn’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks but i think being self critical and utterly indecisive has been woven into genes and I’m just not sure on to break the thread .This is my first time talking about this to anyone and wasn’t really sure as to whether or not post it. But what the hell , let’s start a wave .

Bisexual?

This is the first time I have openly written about my sexuality so first of let’s take it back to the beginning.

I have always respected those in the lgbtq+ community, from a very young age i believed that love is love, and when you love you do it loud and proud. I was lucky for believing that statement that love is love. I grew up in a catholic household which isn’t typically an open minded religion from my experiences.

Now fast forward to my high-school years. I was also very lucky to be at a school that was diverse and open minded. We had a gay straight alliance club, I never went because I was scared but everyone loved it.

High-school is when I started watching a ton of shows that had wlw just because It felt powerful. And of course I began taking the quizzes every one takes at some point in their life. Along with me discovering who I love i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. This took me awhile to come to terms with. Even though I struggle everyday I get back up even on the darkest days where I feel alone. watching those shows gave me peace along with validation.

The biggest influence for me discovering that I loved women was watching wlw couples on TV. The feeling I had when wlw couples appeared on the screen and got more than 5 seconds together was just… I was speechless and overwhelmed with love and support.
By far the most influential part of my journey has been watching wynonna earp.

As cheesy as it sounds watching wayhaught develop into this beautiful couple has just brought me hope. Watching them love so hard and support each other is so powerful. I hope one day to find that crazy love.

Now I wish I had this big “character arch” but im 20yrs old and this is me. I’ve spent the majority of my years supporting the community. And slowly began realizing how I would love to take her out for coffee over him. I’ve never felt connected to men, the way I look at women is completely different, I feel it and just know. Granted I have never been in a relationship with anyone.

The right one will show up when its the right time. As much as I’d love to do cheesy couple dates.

im scared that I won’t be accepted for who I love because I can’t find words to really describe how I feel and of course I feel like I have to explain myself to others.

I hope and pray that one day we can all live in peace.

I want to see a world where love isn’t frowned upon just because who i love and who you love may be different.

It’s okay to be different, that’s your superpower.

I hope whoever reads this is inspired or realizes that they are valid. I also hope reading this that you realize you don’t have to have all the answers now. Because Im still figuring myself out as well. tried writing this as accurately and open as I could, I still struggle to find words to how I feel, but its all a part of my journey. I find it hard to put a label on my sexuality like lesbian or bisexual so maybe I will figure that out soon too

Love Love

Love proudly

Love Loud

All my love and support for you beautiful people

♡
~K

I’m a bisexual latina

I think that since I was little I always felt that something was off or that I did’t fit with the rest of my family or friends. I grew up in a place where being LGBT wasn’t something that you could be or see on a daily basis. I was your typical stereotype of being not so feminine, loooove soccer and hang out with the boys more so than with the girls. Oh the irony!

I remember that when I was 8 o 9 I had this “competitive” obsession with this girl in the opposite soccer team. I always thought that I just wanted to defeat her in every soccer match and If she didn’t play I would get very upset. Later on you start to see this “gays clues” that life would throw at you and don’t realize. Then, when I was in secondary school and puberty started I had this massive crush on a boy, the pretty boy of the school, so I got distracted for a while but deep down I still felt off from the rest. When I was 13 this boy got a girlfriend and for a while I thought that I was jealous of her but in reality I was jealous of both, at the same time!

Then, highschool happened.

When I was 15 I finally had the opportunity to see “gay people”. Yes, as ridiculous as it sounds. Back then representation was not something you could find in mexican telenovelas o any other type of show broadcasted. Internet was just starting to be a thing and basic education at school never tells you that not being a cis straight person it’s possible. So there I was watching girls kissing girls and boys kissing boys and then I knew that was possible but still didn’t questioned it within myself. I hadn’t realized that I’ve had feelings for girls before.

Not until I was 16.

I’ll never forget it.

I was in my biology class, bored as hell so I started to get distracted and while looking around I suddenly felt that someone was staring at me. So…I turned around and there she was, this beautiful girl looking at me. We shared a look, like a 10 seconds long look!…and I knew. Nothing happened between us mostly because I was scared. I’ll always regret that.

After that, research started, quizes about whether I was gay or not, youtube videos, webseries, Carmilla, clexa, Las Aparicio here in Mexico and eventually I came out to myself.

I was in fact, attracted to cis men and cis women, I was bisexual. So far I haven’t had attrattion towards non-cis folks but who knows?!

It took a while for me to know because my attraction towards men is not as strong as it is towards women so I thought I couldn’t use that label but who cares, I feel comfortable with it and sexuality is fluid. If I ever feel the need to change it , I will and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with it.

Once I figured that out I decided to come out to others.

I started with my bother, who by the way, is also part of the community! I was so funny when we both knew about each other.

Then, my mom. Poor soul, my bother had just came out to her and a week later her daughter as well. She was shocked I can tell you that but with some time she processed it and now she is even asking me to take her to a Pride Parade, gay bars and everything that’s gay because as she says, it’s what makes me happy and “gay people are so funny”

My dad found out because of her, she told him and he was cool about it.
I know that I am lucky to have a family that loves me and supports me no matter what and unfortunately that is not something everyone has but I know the world is slowly changing.

We will make it, maybe not my generation but the future looks better than the past.

XO XO from Mexico.

Gay

The start of my journey was a girl. It’s stereotypical, but that’s how it happened. I was teenager, my parents were divorcing, I wasn’t even sure the true romantic love was real. Then we kissed for the first time. No longer could their be any denial of love or my sexuality, because in that moment I knew.

When I first came out, it was as bisexual. Maybe because I still had not fully accepted who I was… or maybe because the girl was bisexual. Coming out to my friends was blissfully easy. They’d suspected for years and had never had any problems with the idea. My dad, such an open minded man, again gave me no fear. My mum though. She was unpredictable. I was so scared, that I did it via text message while we were in the same house! BIG MISTAKE. I had to wait 40mins to hear back! But when she did she told me she still loved me. It somehow didn’t give me relief. As though, she was being okay with my sexuality because she felt she had to be. In this phase in my life the biggest difficult was school. I once had a group of 30 people chanting things like: “What would Jesus say” at me. Lucky for me, someone saw. The school asked me to talk to the group and asked my opinion for appropriate punishment. So they did an assembly on inclusion.

When I later came out as a lesbian, nobody was surprised. I’d dated guys, but it was clear nothing had particularly clicked. But finally I was out for me…. or so I thought.

5 years on I was 21. I was absorbing a lot of LGBT content and I remember thinking about this in the context of myself. My gender. I’d never been what you’d call ‘girly’. When I was younger I was called “a tomboy”, but when I was older, suddenly this label disappeared and I no longer had it as inclusive context. I was just different. When I was learning about other LGBT labels, one that came up was gender neutral. Because it is one I instantly identified with. I wasn’t female…I just wasn’t male either. Then I had to come out again. It took me several years to come out with one of my friends. We disagree on many things and the concept of genders beyond cis or transgender is definitely one of these. I’d tried so many times to calmly explain how it is possible for an infinite number of sexualities and genders could be, to no avail. When I told him, he was offensive – but in a way that showed his , acceptance. We constantly talk about our differing views on multiple topics. I certainly find it difficult, at times, to remember that just because he isn’t as open minded as I would like him to be he is not a bad person. He just has different views to mine.

With gender and sexuality being constantly changes, filled with multiple aspects I can not promise that these aspects of me won’t change. This is why I like to identify as ‘gay’. I feel that it is such a broad term, I can make it fit with who I am now and who I will be in future. The story above is all to brief. You come out thousands of times! It also doesn’t include some of my darkest moments, but the main point is that as dark as things have got I am me… I wouldn’t want to change that for a second. Neither should you. Be proud of who you are, regardless of what comes your way.

Sunflower in a Rainstorm

Being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is never something anyone could ever plan for. At first there is usually some form of confusion and shame. However, every single person has a beautiful story on how they have persevered through. Here is my story.

My coming out story started in the 7th grade with a girl who had beautiful blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. I knew at the time the feelings I had for her were “wrong” but there was always this gravitational pull toward her. Being that this wasn’t a “normal” feeling to have, I didn’t give into my urges because “girls are suppose to be with boys” and “everyone will think I am a freak.” Because of those constant reminders of social normalities, for the next few years I was on and off with boys. I never really had a dislike to boys but girls have always caught my eyes. All through middle school I was extremely confused with my own self identity. However, everything changed when I got to high school.

I have always been an athletic girl so I decided that I was going to go for the varsity basketball team. I successfully made the team as one of the 3 freshman players. At first was quite intimidating playing with 17 and 18 year olds, until I became close with Raquel. Raquel was another freshman who had always played a few grade levels up, therefore, she already knew the entire team. Trying to fit in I latched onto Raquel to get my in with the upperclassmen. However, the more I got to know Raquel, the more it opened my eyes about myself. Raquel has identified herself as a lesbian and has been out since she was in 5th grade. She has had multiple girlfriends and always talked about how experienced she was. Fascinated, I continued to hang out with her to learn more which allowed me to feel more like myself. I never before knew a real life lesbian.

In the beginning of our off season we decided to join the University of Florida camp tournament where we would stay in dorms and train with the woman’s basketball team. Unfortunately, Raquel picked to room with one of her upperclassman friends so I roomed with the other freshman. During the day, we had groups separated by position, which was great because Raquel and I played the same position. The camp was 4 days long and every day was a different activity that would completely drain all my energy but I got to be with Raquel. The only time that really sucked was night when I couldn’t see her. But I would wake up every morning excited to get another conversation in with her. On the last night, I was getting ready for bed when I got a text. It read “Meet me in my room in 5 minutes xx-R” Super excited I threw on my sweats and waited outside her room. My heart was racing when she opened the door. The room was pitch black and our other teammate was already sleeping. Raquel motioned me to get into her bed so we squeezed into the tight double bed. Silence surrounded us and Raquel was pulling me in closer to her body. My heart was thumping but my eyes stayed locked onto hers. After what felt like forever, Raquel finally whispered “I know what you are” and kissed me. Her lips were magical, nothing like I have ever felt with any boy. We continued holding each other and shared a few more kisses until it was time for me to sneak back into my room. When I got back to the room I finally knew. I have finally came out to myself.

Finding that ground of who you truly are is probably the most scariest things that anyone in the LGBTQ+ community has to go through. Not knowing who is going to accept you or understand you is a daunting feeling which can make you feel alone and isolated. But I just want you, the reader, to know that I understand and I accept you. A quote that has always stuck with me is this: “Not all those who wander are lost.” Be your own truth and know that you have an entire community behind you, supporting you. I love you and we are in this together. #StartTheWave

I identify as gay

I was in kindergarten when I first had a crush on a girl and I told my best friend at the time, neither of us thought anything of it at the time because we were young and didn’t know what gay actually meant. After I knew what gay meant I remembered that I had a crush on a girl and I was shocked but calm because I had a lot of queer teachers at my school and I knew that people we’re going I accept me for who I was. It was only 3 years after that in grade 7 when I was at a sleepover with two of my best friends and I told them I wanted them something about my sexuality. I came out as bi to both of them, they so proud and supportive. Five months later I told them I was gay and at another friends birthday I told my entire friend group. Then I later came out to everyone on my Instagram story. Some people thought I was joking but mostly everyone was supportive. I’m trying to build up the courage to come out to my parents because when I told my brother he was very supportive. I’m very fortunate to have a community that’s so supportive of the LGBTQ community and I’m thankful everyday that I don’t have homophobic or toxic people on my life.

It’s leviOsa not leviosA

I always had doubts about my sexuality and that terrified me, I finally confirmed it at 15, in my class there was a beautiful girl who literally captivated me, months passed in which I kept everything new in my being, until one day I had an attack of courage and I confessed, strangely she felt the same that day was the best and after exits we started a relationship, almost 3 months later my mom that blew up the bomb, they made me go to psychologists several times she could not accept having a daughter like that (Obviously my relationship ended my mom) I was so obsessed that I watched all my female friends, today 4 years have passed although she no longer controls me as before, she thinks it was a stage and that I already passed it, in truth you are an inspiration to I hope one day to have the courage to open my heart to my family and tell them that it was not a stage that is me …….. (sorry but I had to translate it maybe not very good .. atte: an admirer of Lat America)

To the stars who listen— and the dreams that are answered

I was going to make up this fake encouraging story to help people in the closet see a story where the journey out isnt always painful and hard. But that’s not my truth. It’s time to stop being ashamed of my past and start being honest of my coming out. Or rather lack there of.

I was outed.

I was outed in a large scale, it could seem small to some but it felt like everything I knew was crashing down on me.

I’ve always been told I feel. I’m a feeler. I feel greatly and deeply. Everything goes in my ears and directly to my heart.

My parents always say they’re so proud I came out so young and not many can do such a thing, they deny their part in my “coming out”. I would do anything for love and affection to the point where I let them believe that’s how it went just for their praise. But this isn’t about them. It’s about me.

My story starts at 12 years old, in 7th grade at a new school. I had sunk so far into myself I’d pushed all my friends away because I thought this world didnt want me. I acted on those thoughts and tried to escape to no avail.

I spent a lot of time at home, watching shows and reading books because relating to the characters gave me a sense that I wasnt alone. Soon enough I’d stumbled upon a show that I’ll never forget, Wynonna Earp. Through that show I learned that girls could love other girls. I soon pondered if I’d felt those feelings aswell. Scared of my own thoughts I turned to my mother, “mom,” I’d said “I think I like girls. Romantically.”

She said I had time to figure it out.

The next thing I know I’m at my dads house he starts talking to me about what I told my mom, I cried myself to sleep that night, my trust so violated.

Soon all my siblings new, my dads new girlfriend too. I tried talking about it with a girl who I’d been best friends with the year before. Suddenly that popular girls at school knew everything. I was terrified in my deeply homophobic school.

That summer I went to a wedding away for a cousin of mine. We were having fun and talking at the rehearsal dinner out on the patio when my dad brought up the fact that I liked girls. Everyone looked at me as I immediately stood up and sprinted into the bushes, I didnt leave for hours sobbing even when it started pouring rain.

I’ve had more than just those experiences, and a few good ones after when I’d actually got to come out.

But even through all that pain, I came out stronger (no pun intended).

Now almost 3 years later I’m an out and proud lesbian, advocating for our community in the ways that I can. At 14 years old, I’ve planned and attended Queer Proms, Attend a Queer Youth Group, Had my own Billboard with a Queer relationship on it in Time Square, Planned a Queer Youth Trivia Night, started a Gender Sexuality Alliance, brought in a Queer Non Binary Public Speaker to educate my homophobic school how to have common decency, Helped all my friends come out, and so much more. I’m so proud of myself.

Ps. Dom I’m so proud of you!!

Nonbinary/ queer

I think some part of me always new that I wasn’t a girl. I dressed in boys clothes and I hated wearing anything that made me look feminine. When I was diagnosed with autism (aged 12) I assumed that that was the reason I felt different. About a year later I started questioning my sexuality. It took about 2 years before I accepted myself as gay. I came out to a few friends who were really accepting and I finally felt happy with myself, but I didn’t feel whole. Like I’d just told people something so they’d understand, but it wasn’t me. For about 2 years I kept having lapses in thoughts about my gender. It got to the point where I gave up and decided to just present myself in a way that made me comfortable. So I cut my hair short and changed my name. A couple of months later I had a sudden realisation moment where I realised that I’m nonbinary. Two days later I came out to my friend who I had previously come out to as gay. It took a couple of months to come out to my family. It took some time for me to fully accept the dysphoria I have about my chest and I got a binder. I recently started causually slipping into conversations that I’m nonbinary to anyone who doesn’t know yet. I feel like this isn’t my definitive coming out story though. As someone who is queer I am constantly coming out to people whether it’s my gender or sexuality, but this is how I found out who i am as a person.

Hi my name is Lisa, and I am not straight.

I kinda came out to my family the beginning of the year. I say kinda because I brought it up in a joke, that way if it didn’t go well I could always continue on with the joke. It went as I thought it would and after what felt like forever of absolute silence and blank stares, I laughed, said something funny and continued with another conversation. That’s how I deal with most things, a joke, bit of sarcasm and a smile. So this isn’t a coming out story, it’s more of a small step to getting there.
I don’t really know how to start. This story will probably come out all muddled and confusing, just like my thoughts when it comes to my sexuality. I should probably start by saying I am a 25 year old female and I’m not straight. Those are the only things I am certain of. I don’t think I always knew I was attracted to girls. Growing up you just didn’t see these types of relationships and so it didn’t occur to me that I could be anything other than straight. I think my story is similar to Dominique’s story, which I am so grateful to have read. When I found out about people who were gay, there was always a negative stigma attached to them. When I came to hear of people in the community it got me thinking that maybe I was like them as well. I was attracted to girls yes, but girls are beautiful right? So why wouldn’t I be? Plus I was very much a tomboy growing up and always hanging out with the guys, and I convinced myself it was just them rubbing off on me. But then again I was also attracted to one of the guys I was hanging out with, even ended up dating him. Dating a guy cancels out me being a lesbian though, right? So I had to have been straight.
I didn’t realize that I didn’t need to be one specific thing. To me I had to know if I was bisexual or a lesbian or anything else, because if I didn’t even know that how do I come out. So I pushed the whole attraction to females “phase” to the back of my mind. Then I started seeing LGBTQ representation in series I watched. Suddenly the part of me that was attracted to females came out again. More series came out with the representation that I needed. I would even watch a series because I knew there was a gay or lesbian couple in it. I took bits away from these couples on screen, their coming out stories and I kept it with me. Imagining that I am gathering strength from them, so that one day I will have enough strength to do the same. I remember watching Alex Danvers’ (Supergirl) coming out story. All the things she said I felt, I was with a guy at the time, and so I thought I had to be a lesbian. But… Oliver Queen though, and I was actually attracted to guys. I threw my whole “it’s just a phase” theory away because after 8 or so years it definitely had to be real.
This is something I’ve been struggling with, alone, for the longest time. At this point in my life I don’t know anyone from the LGBTQ community, no one that I can talk to so I just keep it in, in hopes that one day someone will come along. I wished I could go to ClexaCons and all the Wynonna Earp panels, just to get a sense of what community really meant. I know it could change my life. I’ve been keeping this part of myself in for the longest time, I got used to it. I got used to smiling on cue and so I feel like I can easily hide without anyone figuring out. But I don’t want to hide anymore, I want to be brave, be free. I pray that one day I will be. And that’s why I had to write this story. So that I know even in my small way I am taking a small step in fully becoming myself.
So when reading Dominique’s article I silently cried, because maybe that’s me too and maybe things don’t need to make sense right away. I don’t need to label myself; I can also just be queer. Maybe one day I will find out who I am in life and come out again (more successfully this time), maybe all of us struggling with this will. And I hope that when we do, we have enough strength to live out our lives fully and bravely and that no matter what, we will always be true to ourselves.